Leaning down, he rests his forehead on mine, his bright green eyes feverish. "I know you can't just suddenly forget what I did, how horrible I've acted, but I'm asking you to forgive me and let me make it up to you. Please give me—give us—another chance."
"I-I'm scared, Crew," I confess, my voice raspy as I step back, putting a little distance between us. "You broke me! I waited for you, and you didn’t come. I cried for you, and you weren’t there. I looked for you, and you were with her! It was one thing to push me away, but to toss me aside for her of all people? There’s a difference between needing space and using me as your punching bag."
I stop momentarily and take a deep breath, forcing back the emotions threatening to bubble over. "But when I saw you with her—knowing that you'd left my bed and gone straight to hers—you broke me. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces when you made me feel like I meant absolutely nothing to you. And although all of this," I wave my arms around the romantic, picturesque setting and then look down at the good-as-new cigarette case in my palm, "all of this shows me that you're remorseful and want to try again, how can I be sure you'll never make me feel like that again? I'm scared to hand you my heart, now that I know the power you have over it."
"You have no idea how badly I wish I could undo what I did, but I can't, and I'm so fucking sorry for that." He pulls me up against him again, and I don't resist as he locks his fingers together behind my waist. "You mean everything to me, and I promise you I'll never be reckless with you again. I'm so far from fucking perfect, and I'm sure I’ll do something stupid in the future, but I won't purposely hurt you. Not ever again. I swear to you, Hudson, on Caleb’s memory. I. Love. You."
And with that, I give into the inevitable.
I’d wanted to forgive him long before I ever walked inside the cabin. I’ve missed him. Been miserable without him. And him being here with a genuine heartfelt apology, wanting to reclaim my heart, gives me hope for us.
“Okay.” I nod, peering up at him through my spiky, wet eyelashes.
“Okay?” he repeats the word, tilting his chin to the side, unsure of what I’m agreeing to. “Okay to me loving you? ‘Cause that’s gonna happen whether you say ‘okay’ or not, snow angel.”
The hint of a smirk that plays at the edge of his mouth when he calls me by the nickname he appointed wreaks havoc on my insides. My hands tremble. My heart threatens to explode. My body tingles from head to toe.
“Okay, I accept your apology, and I believe that you won’t intentionally hurt me again,” I clarify, flattening my palms against his chest.
His pupils dilate as I lift up on my tiptoes and bring my mouth a hairbreadth away from his. “And I love you too,” I whisper against his lips just before covering them with my own.
No surface inside the cabin is safe from us. Once we rip each other’s clothes off, our skin melds together in the most intimate of ways as we make up for lost time apart. His breaths become mine. Our racing hearts beat in tandem. It’s as if we can’t get close enough to each other, desperately clinging to each other as he works his cock inside of me over and over again.
We stop long enough to watch the magnificent New Year’s Eve firework show from the bubbling hot tub, with the snow-covered Rocky Mountains completing the most perfect moment in time—a moment I’ll never forget. Before the performance ends, Crew lifts me out of the water and perches my ass on the ledge with his head buried between my legs. I forget all about the fireworks overhead as the colorful explosions of ecstasy going off behind my closed eyelids are nearly too much for me to handle.
For the rest of the weekend, he rocks my world. On the plush king-sized bed. In the hot tub again. On the brown leather couch. Bent over the breakfast table. Hell, even on the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. There’s an excellent chance I won’t able to walk when we leave.
When we’re not attacking each other like wild animals, we talk. About anything and everything. Retelling stories from our childhood, dreaming aloud about the future. Sometimes, we end up in a heap of laughter on the floor, and others, we need a tissue to dry our tears. It’s fun and it’s meaningful and it’s easy. It’s pure love, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
The last night of our stay, we’re lounging in bed after a slow, sensual session of making love, smoking our last joint: the ‘I love you’ joint he gave me when I got here. He’s sitting up, using the pillows against the headboard for support as I lie on my side with my head in his lap, gazing up at him while I trace random patterns on his toned abs with my finger.
While he gently works his fingers through my tangled locks, he peers down at me and says, “I’ve got to help Mom clean out our old apartment tomorrow afternoon. The manager was nice enough to let us out of our lease, but we’ve got to get most of the stuff into storage for now. I was hoping you’d come with me. It’s gonna be hard going through all of his stuff.”
“Of course I will. Whatever you need.”
He bends over to kiss the top of my head. “Thank you, snow angel. We can go meet Mom after lunch, and later, I also want to take you to meet Rory and see the apartment.”
“Sounds good,” I reply with a yawn, my body thoroughly exhausted, “but first, sleep. I can’t keep my eyes open much longer.”
Chuckling, he stubs the cherry out on the end of the joint and moves the ashtray to the side table, turning the lamp off in the process. Then, scooting down until his head is comfortably on the pillow, he throws his arm around my waist and snugs me up against his warm, solid body.
His lips find mine in the dark in a tender but emotion-filled kiss. “You know this is exactly what he would’ve wanted, right?” he whispers as he nuzzles his face into my neck. “He adored you.”
“As I did him,” I murmur into his thick hair. “It’s why it’s so important for me to give back to others like him. I want to keep his spirit alive.”
Neither of us says anything for a few minutes as we hold each other close. His breathing slows and his hand stops stroking my back, leading me to believe he’s asleep. I close my eyes to do the same, but right before I fall into dreamland, I hear him say, “I love you so fucking much, Hudson. I’m never letting you go again.”
Once I finally began to come to terms with losing Caleb, the loved ones remaining in my life became that much more important to me. My mom and Hudson. They’re what matter most. They’re my everything.
I’m not sure if I’m a firm believer in a predetermined fate, but I do think there’s a multi-layered reason my family ended up in Breckenridge, Colorado, staying at the Fire on the Mountain resort last November. Though the time Caleb spent in Colorado was much shorter than any of us could’ve ever imagined, the permanent smile he wore the entire time he was here said all that was necessary. Those joints Hudson gave us let him live, goofing off, playing video games, hitting on girls. Normal teenage stuff. I wish I could’ve seen him with his first girlfriend. I would’ve given him such hell.
The world is a darker place without his smile.
He would’ve kicked my ass over that bullshit I pulled. Instead, I channel him to be my strength, remembering the way he lived in the moment, found joy in everything. He might have been my little brother, but he’s also my biggest inspiration. And I won’t let him down. If he were here, he’d expect me to be the man Hudson deserves. And I’m trying every day to show them both.