PRINCE HARRY (aside to Poins) Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

POINS Let’s beat him before his whore.

PRINCE HARRY Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot.

POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?

SIR JOHN Kiss me, Doll.

They kiss

PRINCE HARRY (aside to Poins) Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th’almanac to that?

POINS And look whether the fiery Trigon his man be not lisping to his master’s old tables, his note-book, his counsel-keeper!

SIR JOHN (to Doll) Thou dost give me flattering busses.

DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

SIR JOHN I am old, I am old.

DOLL TEARSHEET I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of them all.

SIR JOHN What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money o’Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow.—A merry song!

⌈The music plays again⌉

Come, it grows late; we’ll to bed. Thou’lt forget me when I am gone.

DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, thou‘lt set me a-weeping an thou sayst so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return—well, hearken a’th’ end.

SIR JOHN Some sack, Francis.

PRINCE and POINS (coming forward) Anon, anon, sir.

SIR JOHN Ha, a bastard son of the King’s !—And art not thou Poins his brother?

PRINCE HARRY Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead!

SIR JOHN A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.

PRINCE HARRY Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

MISTRESS QUICKLY O, the Lord preserve thy grace! By my troth, welcome to London! Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O Jesu, are you come from Wales?

SIR JOHN (to Prince Harry) Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty! By this light—flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

DOLL TEARSHEET How, you fat fool? I scorn you.

POINS (to Prince Harry) My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

PRINCE HARRY (to Sir John) You whoreson candlemine you, how vilely did you speak of me now, before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!

MISTRESS QUICKLY God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she is, by my troth!

SIR JOHN (to Prince Harry) Didst thou hear me?

PRINCE HARRY Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran away by Gads Hill; you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

SIR JOHN No, no, no, not so, I did not think thou wast within hearing.

PRINCE HARRY I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilful abuse, and then I know how to handle you.

SIR JOHN No abuse, Hal; o’mine honour, no abuse.

PRINCE HARRY Not? To dispraise me, and call me ‘pantler’ and ‘bread-chipper’ and I know not what?

SIR JOHN No abuse, Hal.

POINS No abuse?

SIR JOHN No abuse, Ned, i’th’ world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with him; (to Prince Harry) in which doing I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith, boys, none.

PRINCE HARRY See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?

POINS (to Sir John) Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

SIR JOHN The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil outbids him, too.

PRINCE HARRY For the women?

SIR JOHN For one of them, she’s in hell already, and burns poor souls. For th’other, I owe her money, and whether she be damned for that I know not.

MISTRESS QUICKLY No, I warrant you.

SIR JOHN No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.

MISTRESS QUICKLY All victuallers do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent?

PRINCE HARRY You, gentlewoman—

DOLL TEARSHEET What says your grace?

SIR JOHN His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

Peto knocks at door within

MISTRESS QUICKLY Who knocks so loud at door? (Calls)

Look to th’ door there, Francis.

Enter Peto

PRINCE HARRY Peto, how now, what news?

PETO

The King your father is at Westminster;

And there are twenty weak and wearied posts

Come from the north; and as I came along

I met and overtook a dozen captains,

Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns,

And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

PRINCE HARRY

By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame

So idly to profane the precious time,

When tempest of commotion, like the south

Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt

And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.—

Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good night.

Exeunt Prince Harry and Poins

SIR JOHN Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night,

and we must hence and leave it unpicked. 371

Knocking within. ⌈Exit Bardolph⌉

More knocking at the door!

Enter Bardolph

How now, what’s the matter?

BARDOLPH

You must away to court, sir, presently.

A dozen captains stay at door for you.

SIR JOHN ⌈to the Page⌉ Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep, when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go. ⌈Exeunt musicians⌉

DOLL TEARSHEET ⌈weeping⌉ I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

SIR JOHN Farewell, farewell! 385

Exit ⌈with Bardolph, Peto, and the Page⌉

MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine years come peascod-time, but an honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee well.

⌈Enter Bardolph⌉

BARDOLPH Mistress Tearsheet!

MISTRESS QUICKLY What’s the matter? 390

BARDOLPH Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

⌈Exit⌉

MISTRESS QUICKLY O run, Doll; run, run, good Doll!

Exeunt ⌈Doll at one door, Mistress Quickly at another door⌉

3.1 Enter King Henry in his nightgown, with a page

KING HENRY (giving letters)

Go call the Earls of Surrey and of Warwick.

But ere they come, bid them o’er-read these letters

And well consider of them. Make good speed.

Exit page

How many thousand of my poorest subjects

Are at this hour asleep? O sleep, O gentle sleep,

Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,