NATHANIEL (as Alexander)

When in the world I lived I was the world’s commander.

BOYET

Most true, ’tis right, you were so, Alisander.

BIRON (to Costard) Pompey the Great.

COSTARD Your servant, and Costard.

BIRON Take away the conqueror, take away Alisander.

COSTARD (to Nathaniel) O, sir, you have overthrown Alisander the Conqueror. You will be scraped out of the painted cloth for this. Your lion that holds his poleaxe sitting on a close-stool will be given to Ajax. He will be the ninth Worthy. A conqueror and afeard to speak? Run away for shame, Alisander.

⌈Exit Nathaniel the curate⌉

There, an’t shall please you, a foolish mild man, an honest man, look you, and soon dashed. He is a marvellous good neighbour, faith, and a very good bowler, but for Alisander—alas, you see how ‘tis—a little o’erparted. But there are Worthies a-coming will speak their mind in some other sort.

PRINCESS Stand aside, good Pompey.

Enter Holofernes the pedant as Judas, and the boy Mote as Hercules

HOLOFERNES

Great Hercules is presented by this imp,

Whose club killed Cerberus, that three-headed

canus,

And when he was a babe, a child, a shrimp,

Thus did he strangle serpents in his manus.

Quoniam he seemeth in minority,

Ergo I come with this apology.

(To Mote) Keep some state in thy exit, and vanish.

Exit Mote

HOLOFERNES (as Judas)

Judas I am—

DUMAINE A Judas?

HOLOFERNES Not Iscariot, sir.

(As Judas) Judas I am, yclept Maccabeus.

DUMAINE Judas Maccabeus clipped is plain Judas.

BIRON A kissing traitor. How art thou proved Judas ?

HOLOFERNES (as Judas)

Judas I am—

DUMAINE The more shame for you, Judas.

HOLOFERNES What mean you, sir?

BOYET To make Judas hang himself.

HOLOFERNES Begin, sir. You are my elder.

BIRON Well followed—Judas was hanged on an elder.

HOLOFERNES I will not be put out of countenance. 601

BIRON Because thou hast no face.

HOLOFERNES What is this?

BOYET A cittern-head.

DUMAINE The head of a bodkin.

BIRON A death’s face in a ring.

LONGUEVILLE The face of an old Roman coin, scarce seen.

BOYET The pommel of Caesar’s falchion.

DUMAINE The carved-bone face on a flask.

BIRON Saint George’s half-cheek in a brooch.

DUMAINE Ay, and in a brooch of lead.

BIRON Ay, and worn in the cap of a tooth-drawer. And now forward, for we have put thee in countenance.

HOLOFERNES You have put me out of countenance.

BIRON False, we have given thee faces.

HOLOFERNES But you have outfaced them all.

BIRON

An thou wert a lion, we would do so.

BOYET

Therefore, as he is an ass, let him go.

And so adieu, sweet Jude. Nay, why dost thou stay?

DUMAINE For the latter end of his name.

BIRON

For the ass to the Jude. Give it him. Jud-as, away.

HOLOFERNES

This is not generous, not gentle, not humble.

BOYET

A light for Monsieur Judas. It grows dark, he may stumble.

Exit Holofernes

PRINCESS Alas, poor Maccabeus, how hath he been baited !

Enter Armado the braggart as Hector

BIRON Hide thy head, Achilles, here comes Hector in arms.

DUMAINE Though my mocks come home by me, I will now be merry.

KING Hector was but a Trojan in respect of this.

BOYET But is this Hector?

KING I think Hector was not so clean-timbered.

LONGUEVILLE His leg is too big for Hector’s.

DUMAINE More calf, certain.

BOYET No, he is best endowed in the small.

BIRON This cannot be Hector.

DUMAINE He’s a god, or a painter, for he makes faces.

ARMADO (as Hector)

The armipotent Mars, of lances the almighty,

Gave Hector a gift—

DUMAINE A gilt nutmeg.

BIRON A lemon.

LONGUEVILLE Stuck with cloves.

DUMAINE NO, cloven.

ARMADO Peace I

(As Hector) The armipotent Mars, of lances the

almighty,

Gave Hector a gift, the heir of Ilion,

A man so breathed that certain he would fight, yea,

From morn till night, out of his pavilion.

I am that flower—

DUMAINE

That mint.

LONGUEVILLE

That colombine.

ARMADO Sweet Lord Longueville, rein thy tongue.

LONGUEVILLE I must rather give it the rein, for it runs against Hector.

DUMAINE Ay, and Hector’s a greyhound.

ARMADO The sweet war-man is dead and rotten. Sweet chucks, beat not the bones of the buried. When he breathed he was a man. But I will forward with my device. (To the Princess) Sweet royalty, bestow on me the sense of hearing.

Biron steps forth

PRINCESS

Speak, brave Hector, we are much delighted.

ARMADO I do adore thy sweet grace’s slipper.

BOYET Loves her by the foot.

DUMAINE He may not by the yard.

ARMADO (as Hector)

This Hector far surmounted Hannibal.

⌈ ⌉

ARMADO The party is gone.

COSTARD Fellow Hector, she is gone, she is two months on her way.

ARMADO What meanest thou?

COSTARD Faith, unless you play the honest Trojan the poor wench is cast away. She’s quick. The child brags in her belly already. ’Tis yours.

ARMADO Dost thou infamonize me among potentates? Thou shalt die.

COSTARD Then shall Hector be whipped for Jaquenetta that is quick by him, and hanged for Pompey that is dead by him. 675

DUMAINE Most rare Pompey!

BOYET Renowned Pompey!

BIRON Greater than great—great, great, great Pompey, Pompey the Huge.

DUMAINE Hector trembles.

BIRON Pompey is moved. More Ates, more Ates—stir them on, stir them on!

DUMAINE Hector will challenge him.

BIRON Ay, if a have no more man’s blood in his belly than will sup a flea.

ARMADO By the North Pole, I do challenge thee.

COSTARD I will not fight with a pole, like a northern man. I’ll slash, I’ll do it by the sword. I bepray you, let me borrow my arms again.

DUMAINE Room for the incensed Worthies.

COSTARD I’ll do it in my shirt.

DUMAINE Most resolute Pompey.

MOTE (aside to Armado) Master, let me take you a buttonhole lower. Do you not see Pompey is uncasing for the combat? What mean you? You will lose your reputation.

ARMADO Gentlemen and soldiers, pardon me. I will not combat in my shirt.

DUMAINE You may not deny it, Pompey hath made the challenge.

ARMADO Sweet bloods, I both may and will.

BIRON What reason have you for’t?

ARMADO The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. I go woolward for penance.

⌈MOTE⌉ True, and it was enjoined him in Rome for want of linen, since when I’ll be sworn he wore none but a dish-clout of Jaquenetta’s, and that a wears next his heart, for a favour.

Enter a messenger, Monsieur Mercadé

MERCADÉ

God save you, madam.

PRINCESS Welcome, Mercadé,

But that thou interrupt’st our merriment.

MERCADÉ

I am sorry, madam, for the news I bring

Is heavy in my tongue. The King your father—

PRINCESS

Dead, for my life.

MERCADÉ Even so. My tale is told.

BIRON

Worthies, away. The scene begins to cloud.

ARMADO For mine own part, I breathe free breath. I have seen the day of wrong through the little hole of discretion, and I will right myself like a soldier.