COSTARD In manner and form following, sir—all those three. I was seen with her in the manor house, sitting with her upon the form, and taken following her into the park; which put together is ‘in manner and form following’. Now, sir, for the manner: it is the manner of a man to speak to a woman. For the form: in some form.
BIRON For the ‘following’, sir?
COSTARD As it shall follow in my correction; and God defend the right.
KING Will you hear this letter with attention?
BIRON As we would hear an oracle.
COSTARD Such is the simplicity of man to hearken after the flesh.
KING (reads) ‘Great deputy, the welkin’s vicegerent and sole dominator of Navarre, my soul’s earth’s god, and body’s fostering patron’—
COSTARD Not a word of Costard yet.
KING ‘So it is’—
COSTARD It may be so; but if he say it is so, he is, in telling true, but so.
KING Peace!
COSTARD Be to me and every man that dares not fight.
KING No words!
COSTARD Of other men’s secrets, I beseech you.
KING ‘So it is, besieged with sable-coloured melancholy, I did commend the black-oppressing humour to the most wholesome physic of thy health-giving air, and, as I am a gentleman, betook myself to walk. The time when? About the sixth hour, when beasts most graze, birds best peck, and men sit down to that nourishment which is called supper. So much for the time when. Now for the ground which—which, I mean, I walked upon. It is yclept thy park. Then for the place where—where, I mean, I did encounter that obscene and most preposterous event that draweth from my snow-white pen the ebon-coloured ink which here thou viewest, beholdest, surveyest, or seest. But to the place where. It standeth north-north-east and by east from the west corner of thy curious-knotted garden. There did I see that low-spirited swain, that base minnow of thy mirth’—
COSTARD Me?
KING ‘That unlettered, small-knowing sout’—
COSTARD Me?
KING ‘That shallow vassal’—
COSTARD Still me?
KING ‘Which, as I remember, hight Costard’—
COSTARD O, me!
KING ‘Sorted and consorted, contrary to thy established proclaimed edict and continent canon, with, with, O with—but with this I passion to say wherewith’—COSTARD With a wench.
KING ‘With a child of our grandmother Eve, a female, or for thy more sweet understanding a woman. Him I, as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on, have sent to thee, to receive the meed of punishment, by thy sweet grace’s officer Anthony Dull, a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and estimation.’
DULL Me, an’t shall please you. I am Anthony Dull.
KING ‘For Jaquenetta—so is the weaker vessel called—which I apprehended with the aforesaid swain, I keep her as a vessel of thy law’s fury, and shall at the least of thy sweet notice bring her to trial. Thine in all compliments of devoted and heartburning heat of duty,
Don Adriano de Armado.’
BIRON This is not so well as I looked for, but the best that ever I heard.
KING Ay, the best for the worst. (To Costard) But, sirrah, what say you to this?
COSTARD Sir, I confess the wench.
KING Did you hear the proclamation?
COSTARD I do confess much of the hearing it, but little of the marking of it.
KING It was proclaimed a year’s imprisonment to be taken with a wench.
COSTARD I was taken with none, sir. I was taken with a damsel.
KING Well, it was proclaimed ‘damsel’.
COSTARD This was no damsel, neither, sir. She was a virgin.
⌈KING⌉ It is so varied, too, for it was proclaimed ‘virgin’.
COSTARD If it were, I deny her virginity. I was taken with a maid.
KING This ‘maid’ will not serve your turn, sir.
COSTARD This maid will serve my turn, sir.
KING Sir, I will pronounce your sentence. You shall fast a week with bran and water.
COSTARD I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.
KING
And Don Armado shall be your keeper.
My lord Biron, see him delivered o’er,
And go we, lords, to put in practice that
Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.
Exeunt the King, Longueville, and Dumaine
BIRON
I’ll lay my head to any good man’s hat
These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.
Sirrah, come on.
COSTARD I suffer for the truth, sir; for true it is I was taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true girl, and therefore, welcome the sour cup of prosperity, affliction may one day smile again; and till then, sit thee down, sorrow. Exeunt
1.2 Enter Armado and Mote, his page
ARMADO Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit grows melancholy?
MOTE A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.
ARMADO Why, sadness is one and the selfsame thing, dear imp.
MOTE No, no, O Lord, sir, no.
ARMADO How canst thou part sadness and melancholy, my tender juvenal?
MOTE By a familiar demonstration of the working, my tough señor.
ARMADO Why ‘tough señor’? Why ‘tough señor’?
MOTE Why ‘tender juvenal’? Why ‘tender juvenal’?
ARMADO I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton appertaining to thy young days, which we may nominate ‘tender’.
MOTE And I, tough señor, as an appertinent title to your old time, which we may name ‘tough’.
ARMADO Pretty and apt.
MOTE How mean you, sir? I ‘pretty’ and my saying ‘apt’? Or I ‘apt’ and my saying ‘pretty’?
ARMADO Thou ‘pretty’, because little.
MOTE Little pretty, because little. Wherefore ‘apt’?
ARMADO And therefore ‘apt’ because quick.
MOTE Speak you this in my praise, master?
ARMADO In thy condign praise.
MOTE I will praise an eel with the same praise.
ARMADO What—that an eel is ingenious?
MOTE That an eel is quick.
ARMADO I do say thou art quick in answers. Thou heatest my blood.
MOTE I am answered, sir.
ARMADO I love not to be crossed.
MOTE (aside) He speaks the mere contrary-crosses love not him.
ARMADO I have promised to study three years with the Duke.
MOTE You may do it in an hour, sir.
ARMADO Impossible. - MOTE How many is one, thrice told?
ARMADO I am ill at reckoning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster.
MOTE You are a gentleman and a gamester, sir. ARMADO I confess both. They are both the varnish of a complete man.
MOTE Then I am sure you know how much the gross sum of deuce-ace amounts to.
ARMADO It doth amount to one more than two.
MOTE Which the base vulgar do call three.
ARMADO True.
MOTE Why, sir, is this such a piece of study ? Now here is ‘three’ studied ere ye’ll thrice wink, and how easy it is to put ‘years’ to the word ‘three’ and study ‘three years’ in two words, the dancing horse will tell you. ARMADO A most fine figure.
MOTE (aside) To prove you a cipher.
ARMADO I will hereupon confess I am in love; and as it is base for a soldier to love, so am I in love with a base wench. If drawing my sword against the humour of affection would deliver me from the reprobate thought of it, I would take desire prisoner and ransom him to any French courtier for a new-devised curtsy. I think scorn to sigh. Methinks I should outswear Cupid. Comfort me, boy. What great men have been in love?
MOTE Hercules, master.
ARMADO Most sweet Hercules! More authority, dear boy. Name more—and, sweet my child, let them be men of good repute and carriage.
MOTE Samson, master; he was a man of good carriage, great carriage, for he carried the town-gates on his back like a porter, and he was in love.
ARMADO O well-knit Samson, strong-jointed Samson! I do excel thee in my rapier as much as thou didst me in carrying gates. I am in love, too. Who was Samson’s love, my dear Mote?