SHIRLEY [as he goes in] Ah! it’s a pity you never was trained to use your reason, miss. Youd have been a very taking lecturer on Secularism.

BARBARA turns to her father.

UNDERSHAFT Never mind me, my dear. Go about your work; and let me watch it for a while.

BARBARA All right.

UNDERSHAFT For instance, whats the matter with that outpatient over there?

BARBARA [looking at BILL, whose attitude has never changed, and whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened] Oh, we shall cure him in no time. Just watch. [She goes over to BILL and waits. He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, uneasy, but grimmer than ever.] It w o u l d be nice to just stamp on Mog Hab bijam’s face, wouldnt it, Bill?

BILL [starting up from the trough in consternation] It’s a lie: I never said so. [She shakes her head. ] Who told you wot was in my mind?

BARBARA Only your new friend.

BILL Wot new friend?

BARBARA The devil, Bill. When he gets round people they get miserable, just like you.

BILL [with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care cheerfulness] I aint miserable. [He sits down again, and stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indifferent.]

BARBARA Well, if youre happy, why dont you look happy, as we do?

BILL [his legs curling back in spite of him] I’m appy enough, I tell you. Why dont you lea me alown? Wot av I done to y o u? I aint smashed your face, av I?

BARBARA [softly: wooing his soul] It’s not me thats getting at you, Bill.

BILL Who else is it?

BARBARA Somebody that doesnt intend you to smash women’s faces, I suppose. Somebody or something that wants to make a man of you.

BILL [blustering] Make a man o m e! Aint I a man? eh? aint I a man? Who sez I’m not a man?

BARBARA Theres a man in you somewhere, I suppose. But why did he let you hit poor little Jenny Hill? That wasnt very manly of him, was it?

BILL [tormented] Av done with it, I tell you. Chack it. I’m sick of your Jenny III and er silly little face.

BARBARA Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep coming up against you in your mind?Youre not getting converted, are you?

BILL [with conviction] Not ME. Not likely. Not arf.[56]

BARBARA Thats right, Bill. Hold out against it. Put out your strength. Dont lets get you cheap. Todger Fairmile said he wrestled for three nights against his Salvation harder than he ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. He gave in to the Jap when his arm was going to break. But he didnt give in to his salvation until his heart was going to break. Perhaps youll escape that. You havnt any heart, have you?

BILL Wot d‘ye mean? Wy aint I got a art the same as ennybody else?

BARBARA A man with a heart wouldnt have bashed poor little Jenny’s face, would he?

BILL [almost crying] Ow, will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered to meddle with y o u, that you come naggin and provowkin me lawk this? [He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes. ]

BARBARA [with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle voice that never lets him go] It’s your soul thats hurting you, Bill, and not me. Weve been through it all ourselves. Come with us, Bill. [He looks wildly round. ] To brave manhood on earth and eternal glory in heaven. [He is on the point of breaking down.] Come. [A drum is heard in the shelter; and BILL, with a gasp, escapes from the spell as BARBARA turns quickly. ADOLPHUS enters from the shelter with a big drum.] Oh! there you are, Dolly. Let me introduce a new friend of mine, Mr. Bill Walker. This is my bloke, Bill: Mr. Cusins. (CUSINS salutes with his drumstick.]

BILL Goin to marry im?

BARBARA Yes.

BILL fervently] Gord elp im! Gawd elp im!

BARBARA Why? Do you think he wont be happy with me?

BILL Ive only ad to stand it for a mornin: e’ll av to stand it for a lifetime.

CUSINS That is a frightful reflection, Mr. Walker. But I cant tear myself away from her.

BILL Well, I can. [To BARBARA.] Eah! do you know where I’m going to, and wot I’m goin to do?

BARBARA Yes: youre going to heaven; and youre coming back here before the week’s out to tell me so.

BILL You lie. I’m goin to Kennintahn, to spit in Todger Fairmile’s eye. I bashed Jenny Ill’s face; and now I’ll get me own face bashed and come back and shew it to er. E’ll it me ardern I it e r. Thatll make us square. [To ADOLPHUS. Is that fair or is it not?Youre a genlmn: you oughter know.

BARBARA Two black eyes wont make one white one, Bill.

BILL I didnt ast y o u. Cawnt you never keep your mahth shut? I ast the genlmn.

CUSINS [reflectively] Yes: I think youre right, Mr. Walker.Yes: I should do it. Its curious: its exactly what an ancient Greek would have done.

BARBARA But what good will it do?

CUSINS Well, it will give Mr. Fairmile some exercise; and it will satisfy Mr. Walker’s soul.

BILL Rot! there aint no sach a thing as a soul. Ah[57] kin you tell wether Ive a soul or not? You never seen it.

BARBARA Ive seen it hurting you when you went against it.

BILL [with compressed aggravation] If you was my girl and took the word out o me mahth lawk thet, I’d give you suthink youd feel urtin, so I would. [To ADOLPHUS. You take my tip, mate. Stop er jawr; or youll die afore your time. [With intense expression.] Wore aht: thets wot youll be: wore aht. [He goes away through the gate.]

CUSINS[looking after him] I wonder!

BARBARA Dolly! [Indignant, in her mother’s manner.]

CUSINS Yes, my dear, it’s very wearing to be in love with you. If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young.

BARBARA Should you mind?

CUSINS Not at all. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss over a big drum without practice. UNDERSHAFT coughs.]

BARBARA It’s all right, papa, weve not forgotten you. Dolly: explain the place to papa: I havnt time. [She goes busily into the shelter.]

UNDERSHAFT and ADOLPHUS now have the yard to themselves. UNDERSHAFT, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks hard at ADOLPHUS. ADOLPHUS looks hard at him.

UNDERSHAFT I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr. Cusins. [CUSINS flourishes his drumsticks as if in the act of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound.] Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out!

CUSINS You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, have you any religion?

UNDERSHAFT Yes.

CUSINS Anything out of the common?

UNDERSHAFT Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation.

CLISINS [disappointed, but polite] Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church.

UNDERSHAFT The two things are —

CUSINS Baptism and —

UNDERSHAFT No. Money and gunpowder.

CUSINS [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.

UNDERSHAFT Just so.

CUSINS Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth?

UNDERSHAFT Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life.

CUSINS Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder?

UNDERSHAFT Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others.