“Don’t do that,” he said immediately. “Don’t apologize.”

I was in so much pain that I didn’t know what to do with myself. “I feel so stupid…”

He stared at me, the heartbreak in his eyes.

“I…I need to go.” I stepped back inside my apartment.

Ash stepped close to me. “I’m here if you need anything. I can just sit with you if that would help.”

“There’s nothing you can do for me. I just want to be alone.”

He stepped back. “Okay.” The struggle was in his eyes. I could tell he wanted to hold me, to do something.

“Thanks for letting me know…and I’m sorry I made such a stupid accusation toward you.”

“It’s water under the bridge.”

“Good night.”

He stepped back and sighed. “Good night, Alaska.”

I shut the door then went into my bedroom. I crawled under the covers and tried to hide from any form of light. I just wanted to disappear, to stop feeling. I didn’t want to exist. I just wanted to fall.

It was stupid to cry over a guy, the dumbest thing in the world. He cheated on me, used me, and lied to my face. He wasn’t worth my tears and heartbreak. I said that over and over again, but I could never stop my own tears.

I cried every day for a week.

I lay in bed and hardly moved. I canceled all my appointments and said I had a medical emergency. I shut out the world and tried to disappear.

I didn’t leave the apartment. I had enough water to get by, and I never had an appetite. The pain was too much, and it gripped me by the throat. I kept going over our relationship in my head, trying to figure out where it went wrong. If he wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn’t have been so distraught. Sometimes things happened. We weren’t married, so it was okay if he met someone he preferred over me. But to have a relationship with her, to sleep with her, and to carry on while he pretended everything was okay was…unacceptable. How could he do this to me? Did he have absolutely no respect for me?

The agony would turn into rage. But then it would simmer back to despair. My emotions were like a roller coaster. They had their ups and downs. Jace called me a few times but I never answered. I didn’t listen to his messages either. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I wanted to face him with a strong front. I refused to let him see how much he hurt me. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

A few people came to my door and knocked but I never answered it. I had a strong feeling it was Jace. He never showed enough care to make me think he’d ever check on me, but perhaps the guilt was getting to him. Maybe he was paranoid that I wasn’t calling him back because I knew something. I didn’t care. The guilt could eat him alive.

My phone lit up with a text message. I’ve been ignoring them lately, but I decided to read it.

Check your front doorstep. It was Ash.

I forced myself to get out of bed and open the door.

On my doorstep was a plate covered in foil, and a gift bag. I took everything inside and examined it. The plate was a dinner of chicken and rice and vegetables. And there was a note.

You haven’t left your apartment once so I thought you might be hungry. I’m not as good of a cook as you, but I tried.

I smiled for the first time in a week then opened the gift bag. Inside was a high-resolution lens, the one I’d been saving for. And there was another note.

For when you’re feeling better.

I smiled again, realizing how thoughtful he was. He was nothing like the man I originally thought. He was actually incredibly sweet and wonderful. Maybe he was a manwhore too, but there were other beautiful things about him.

I pulled out my phone and texted him. Thanks for everything. It was nice to smile for once.

You’ll smile again. I promise.

I put my phone down, and for the first time in a week, I actually ate something.

As the next week went by, my sister started to worry.

I haven’t seen you in a while. Lunch?

I didn’t want to tell her what happened. I just wanted to be alone. I’m busy. Maybe next week.

Alright, but you’re buying because you’re a hotshot artist.

I rolled my eyes. Sure.

I still didn’t leave my apartment. I was running low on clothes and groceries but I refused to go outside. I wasn’t ready to face the music yet.

Jace started to blow up my phone.

Why haven’t you called me?

Are you okay?

What’s going on?

I ignored him, letting him simmer. I had nothing to say to him anyway.

Ash texted me. Check your doorstep.

Did he leave me another gift? I opened the front door and saw the pile of groceries. And there was a note.

I was worried you might eat your own hair.

 

I smiled then carried everything inside. Ash was the only person who knew what was going on in my life, and I was grateful he didn’t smother me. He kept his distance and let me deal with the heartbreak on my own.

I texted him. Thank you. I don’t think I’d look good bald.

You could pull it off. And you’re welcome.

I returned to my solitude and worked on pictures I already had. When I spotted pictures of Jace, I tore them up and tossed them in the garbage. It was unnecessary to rip up every picture of an ex-boyfriend since no relationship ended well, but the fact he cheated on me made me doubt everything between us. I didn’t want his face in my apartment. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of him.

Slowly, I started to gather his things and pack them in a box. Whenever I faced him, I didn’t want him to have a reason to come back. I wanted that to be the last time I ever saw him outside my front door.

A few days later, I got a text from Ash.

Open your front door.

I smiled, wondering what it would be this time, and stepped outside.

A mug was sitting on the ground—with hot cocoa.

I smiled when I grabbed it, feeling my heart ache a little less. Then I walked inside and sat on the couch, feeling the warm mug in my hands.

I pulled out my phone. It has extra marshmallows.

I thought you needed it.

Ash had been my guardian angel for the past few weeks. I never saw him but he was always there. Thank you. And thank you for giving me space.

You’re welcome. I know you better than you realize.

I lay on the couch and sipped the hot cocoa until it was gone. Thinking about Ash made me feel better. It was nice to think about something else other than Jace having sex with that blonde while I stayed home on a Friday night. The bitterness flooded my veins every time.

A fist pounded on my door. “Alaska? Open this door.”

It was Jace. It looked like his patience had disappeared.

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me. You haven’t returned my calls and I’m worried.”

I checked my appearance in the mirror and changed my clothes. I didn’t want him to see all the weight I lost or my hollow cheeks. I dabbed some make up on my face so I wouldn’t look so lifeless. He wouldn’t see my suffering. He wouldn’t see my pain. Because he didn’t deserve to.

After I took a deep breath, I answered the door.

His eyes widened. He obviously didn’t expect me to open the door. “Baby?”

Baby? I hated hearing that. “It’s Alaska.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “What’s going on? Why have you been ignoring me?”

Just looking at him made me boil. I wanted to slap him hard across the face. I wanted to knee him in the groin. I even wanted to rip his eyes out. But I did none of those things. “What I’ve been doing is none of your business.”

The confusion covered his face. “What’s going on with you?”

I grabbed his box of belongings then shoved it into his arms. “Don’t come back, Jace.”

He eyed everything inside then looked back at me. “Why are you giving me this?”