We have a roasted-chicken dinner, and Annie comes too. Paul, sitting opposite from Mum, opens a

bottle of white wine and pours us each a glass, mine slighter than the rest but I don’t care for alcohol

anyway.

“What’s this for?” Annie asks, glancing between Mum and Paul. Annie silently asks me with her

facial expressions what this is all about.

I shake my head.

Mum stands up. “Good news,” she says, smiling at Paul. “We’re moving in together.”

topaz

Winter comes.

Jace doesn’t.

He has the chance to play a few gigs, so he won’t be home until Christmas.

I call him to make alternate plans.

“I’ll come down,” I say as soon as he picks up. “Can take a flight tomorrow. I’d love to watch your

gigs.”

“Cooper,” Jace says. His tone sounds distant. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

“I’m going to be in rehearsals most of the time. You’ll be bored.”

“I see.” And I do, clearly. My eyes sting and my throat tightens.

Jace quickly changes the topic. “But hey, what’s new? How’s Annie?”

“Same old. She’s fine. You?”

“Tried this fish and chips place near campus, it was great.”

“Better than the one we go to here?”

“Different.”

“So not better?”

“Cooper! Fuck. They don’t use canola oil to fry the fish.”

“We never asked what they use here. Could be coconut, maybe.”

Silence.

I sit on the end of his bed and wish I had something else to say. But I don’t. Neither does he.

A male voice speaks in the background, and Jace answers, “Just my brother. Be there soon.”

Just my brother.

My stomach twists.

“Sorry,” I say hurriedly. “Bert and Ernie just showed up. We’re hitting some clubs tonight. I

gotta . . . yeah. Later.”

I barely give him the time to say goodbye before hanging up. I rummage for some topaz, hoping it

will cure me from the deep madness creeping into my mind.

* * *

I’m not expecting Jace to phone me the next week, but when he doesn’t, I curl into his bed and let

the tears fall.

The edge of the pillow is wet. I shift, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. Lila startles me

when she plops onto the edge of the bed and pats my back. I didn’t even hear the door open. “Hey.

Cheer up, love.”

I roll onto my back and throw an arm over my face to hide my tears. “Lila.”

Please go away. Leave me alone.

“Oh, darling.” She touches my hair. “This has gone on too long. It hurts to see you so depressed.”

“I’m not”—sniff—“depressed.”

I stiffen as I realize I’m in Jace’s bed. What is Lila thinking?

“It’s hard being the one left behind, isn’t it?”

A gurgling sound escapes as I try to stop my tears.

She strokes my hair, making my tears leak faster.

“I felt like that when your Dad left for America in my last year of school, too. He was my best

friend. I cried and listened to a lot of U2, wallowing in my misery. It was tough going from hanging

every day to nothing but the occasional call.”

I nod.

“I miss Jace too. He grew up too damn fast.”

“Do you cry and listen to U2 now?”

Her fingers stop moving. “All the time. Usually in the car. I’ll look into the empty passenger seat

like I used to when he was younger, and I wish he’d never grown up.”

“Does it make you mad he didn’t come for winter?”

“No.”

I sniff.

She continues. “I’m happy that he’s making his own way in life. Trying new things. Learning more

about himself and what he wants. I’m proud of him, even though it hurts to feel the ties between us

lengthen.”

I shift my arm and look up at her. Her blue eyes are framed by dark hair like his. Hers is still short,

not fully grown out yet like it was before she got sick. “Sorry,” I murmur.

“What for?”

I shrug. “For being mad at him.”

She leans down and kisses my forehead. “It’s okay to feel that way. You’ll be all right. We’ll stick it

out together. Before we know it, he’ll be home for Christmas.”

* * *

Come Christmas holidays, Annie, Darren, Bert, Ernie, and I are in Auckland to see Fat Freddy’s

Drop. I can barely concentrate on enjoying the music, knowing Jace is arriving in Wellington. I jump to

the beat, banging into Darren and Ernie on either side of me. When it’s half over, I sneak into the

bathroom and call Dad’s landline. Lila answers. “Yes, he’s arrived!”

“All safe?”

“Yes, safe. A friend of his is staying for a couple of nights too. I’ve set up Annie’s old room for

him. She’ll be staying in her flat when you guys get home, right?”

“Yeah.” It sucks to have missed Jace’s arrival but maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’ll show him that

his lack of contact hasn’t hurt me at all.

Not at all.

Someone bangs on the door of my stall and tells me to hurry up. I flip him the bird as I wrap up the

conversation and head back to the dance floor. The music scorches the air and makes me forget about

reality for a few hours.

Afterwards, we take a bus to the beach close to our hotel. The sky is navy, streaked with purple

rivulets, the last goodbye of today’s sun. The cool sand is a pleasant contrast to the humid air, and the

crashing waves mesmerize me with their glowing white tips. Annie and Darren are comparing thoughts

about the concert—he liked it more than she did. He’s trying to convince her she really loved it, and

Annie is laughing against his chest. I smile and veer off to the water.

I’ve just taken my shoes off when Ernie bounds over. Bert is sitting on a piece of driftwood doing

something on his phone.

“So,” he says.

“So.”

He shrugs and gets to it. “You’ve been distant this year.”

No point in lying about it now. “A bit, yeah.”

“We’ve been worried.”

“I’m good. I’ll be fine.”

“Good. Sweet.” He takes off his shoes and wades into the water with me. “We hope that you’re

going to be okay next year without us to keep you in check.”

I laugh. “Yeah, thanks for keeping it real.”

We stop walking, and our feet sink into the sand as the tide pulls out. “You’ve made me a better

person, Coop. I never would have lifted a finger or done anything at school without your help. I might

have laughed it off but it was really cool of you, man. Bert will never say it, but he loved that you

watched his games even though rugby isn’t your thing. You’re solid, dude.”

I don’t know what to say. “You were both there for me too.”

Another wave pulls the sand under our feet.

“I’m about sapped out.” Ernie jerks a thumb toward the others. “Shall we?”

He moves to leave, and I snatch him back into a hug. The next wave catches us at the backs of our

knees, soaking the pants we’d rolled up. We thump each other between the shoulder blades three times

and break apart.

lapis lazuli

As soon as our plane lands in Wellington, I beeline to the hatchback in long-term parking. Darren is

dropping Annie off, and I’m stuck with Bert and Ernie, who are racing to keep up with me.

“Dude, what’s the rush?”

“Nothing. Just want to get home.”

Ernie slaps my shoulder. “You’re kidding, right?” Ernie says this lightly, but he’s been quieter

today, sort of mellow, and I know he’s thinking of Bert going to Auckland and me to Dunedin, leaving

him here. “You can’t leave us. We have a whole evening of drinking and debauchery planned.”

“While that sounds positively awesome,” I say, moving the seat forward to let Ernie in, “I’m going

to pass.”

“But—”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

Bert grumbles, shrugs.

“Promise.”

That gets a small grin. “Next time we get together, it’d better be epic. Something to remember.”

I drop them both at Ernie’s and beat every traffic light home under the red evening sun. The inside