Pretending is the unspoken rule of our weekly chats. Pretending is a different version of the duel we

began on opposite sides of the street waiting for the bus. This time he’s on the South Island, I’m on the

North, and we are masters at pretending.

He pretends not to care about my love life, and I pretend not to care about his.

“What are you doing this weekend?” His play is shrewder.

Walking barefoot across the beach collecting paua shells for you and stones for me. “Nothing.”

“Hey, I’m eighteen now. Want me to send you my driver’s license? I can claim I lost it and get a

new one.”

“You want me to sneak into gay bars in hopes of getting lucky?”

Jace coughs again. “No.” His voice cracks. “I just want you to have fun.”

“I’d never get away with your ID. We look nothing alike.”

“It’s not healthy.” Long pause. “Doing nothing.”

So some rules are okay to break but not others?

He changes the subject, “How’s the hatchback doing?”

“The only thing around here running smoothly.”

“Fuck.”

I curse myself for my lack of subtlety. “How’s your music coming along?”

“Doesn’t sound the same as it does at home. The pieces are more complicated but I’m pulling

through. Getting better.”

“Maybe you can play me something when you come home for the winter holidays?”

He coughs but doesn’t answer. Voices call his name in the background. “Look,” he says. “I gotta

go. I’ll call next week, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Have a good hike.”

“Do something this weekend, Cooper. Please?”

I glance over my shoulder at Ernie and Bert. “Promise.”

When he hangs up, I hold the phone for a long moment before facing the boys. “All right,” I tell

them, jingling the keys in my bag. “Let’s go see Annie.”

* * *

Annie’s flat looks as though a bomb exploded in it. Crusty dishes are piled in the sink, heaps of

clothing are thrown all over the floor, empty wine bottles give the air a sour bite, and the bathroom

walls are edged with mold.

I decide to wait rather than use the bathroom.

“I thought girls were meant to be the clean ones,” I say as she clears a space on the couch for us.

Annie shrugs. “There’s only so many times you can bitch at your flatmates to clean up before it

gets awkward.”

I shake my head. “No wonder you’re coming to Mum’s for dinner more and more.”

Ernie and Bert lounge in the mess like it’s their throne. “Couple of beers, and we’re set.”

“Someone say beer?” One of Annie’s flatmates walks in with a six-pack in one hand, and a bunch

of shopping bags in the other.

Bert stares at the door like it’s magical. “Couple of girls, and we’re super set.”

The girls hit it off with Bert and Ernie while I zone out of the conversation and think about Jace.

My sister digs her fingernails in my arm and drags me to her room, which is surprisingly much cleaner

than the rest of the house. We sit on the wide windowsill overlooking a weedy garden. “What’s up,

Coop?”

“Nothing. I’m . . . fine.” Before she pushes further I ask about her. “How’d your date go with

what’s-his-name?”

She groans. “Steve. The one night wonder.” A shrug. “Never do that again. Worst walk of shame

ever. I banged into Darren looking like a prostitute.” She blushes. “He had to know. All I wanted was to

slink home and hide.”

“Sorry.”

“Yeah. But of course the one that got away will catch me at my worst.”

We’re quiet but Ernie and Bert are laughing in the background.

Annie pinches my arm. “You at Mum’s this week?”

I shake my head. “Dad’s. You coming for dinner this weekend?” It makes it easier when she comes,

and I suspect that’s why she makes more of an effort.

“I mean, I wasn’t planning to. Tomorrow I’m watching this theatre production Chrissy is in. And I

have group-project meeting on Sunday. But I don’t have to see the play. Sure. I’ll come out—”

“No, don’t.” I put on an extra cheery smile that tastes like cardboard. “I’m good. Next week,

maybe.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, course.”

“Invite your friends around. You guys could have a slumber party.”

I haven’t had Bert and Ernie sleep over since that night with Jace. I’m afraid if I do, all I’ll

remember is touching Jace the first time. Willing him to look at me.

Just a jerk off?

What else would it be?

“Yeah, they’re busy. But I have a test to study for.”

“You study harder than anyone I’ve met at university. You know where you’re going next year?”

“Otago.”

Dunedin.

Jace.

Do you care?

No. And I’ll convince him not to either.

And the rest of the world if I have to.

Bert and Ernie are having a great time, so I leave them to it. They can catch a taxi home. They’re

too high to care I’m ditching them, anyway.

I drive the hatchback around the bays, driving and driving, until the sun finally sets.

“Cooper,” Dad says when I finally get in the door. He and Lila are dressed up. “We were about to

head out to dinner. Do you want to join us?”

“Nah, I’m good. I’ll just hang here.”

Lila unclips her earrings. “We don’t need to go out. We’ll hang with you.”

Dad exchanges a look with her, and toes off his shoes. “Ordering in it is.”

Despite their efforts to make the big house seem less empty and less quiet, it makes it worse. There

should be more voices, more spark in the air.

I eat a few slices of pizza, fake a few yawns, and head upstairs.

The gaming room is dark, the piano sitting untouched for months. I sit on the stool and let the chill

creep over me. If I close my eyes, I hear his song and his ghost settles around me as if pulling me into

his arms.

I scrub my face and laugh at myself.

Then I go to bed. His bed.

greywacke

A week later when I’m at Mum’s, I get mail from Jace. A greywacke stone that’s broken on one

side, and a short note.

From the Kepler Track. (The trail is beautiful.) This stone made sleeping impossible. It kept digging

into my back, so I snuck out of the tent in the middle of the night, lifted the pegs, and pulled it out. Still

couldn’t sleep, though. After that, all I could think about was rocks.

I smile, and suddenly I’m me again.

We’re apart but nothing has to change. This is just a test we’ll pass with flying colors.

I hole myself up in my room, lie on the bed facing my toolboxes, and phone him.

It’s so easy. He tells me about all the crazy people he’s meeting in Dunedin and how I would love it

down there.

He laughs. I laugh.

I make him take me to his dorm room and play something on his new piano. He asks me if he

should sing, and I catch my breath.

He plays, and even through the phone it’s beautiful.

We talk for over an hour. I never want this to end but my phone is beeping with low battery. Jace

laughs again and tells me to have a good night.

I hang up, clutch the phone to my chest and bite my lip—

“Who was that?” I leap to my feet. Mum is leaning against the doorframe; the door mustn’t have

been closed properly. “Your boyfriend?”

I splutter. “Wh—what makes you think that?”

“You sound happy. Head over heels. I haven’t heard you this animated in months.”

I slip the phone in my pocket. “Dinner ready?”

“It was your boyfriend then? When do I get to meet him?”

Dread and nausea wash over me, and I finally understand why Jace has distanced himself.

“It was just a friend,” I tell her. Would you hate me if you knew I was in love with my maybe

brother? “Just a friend.”

“Oh, unrequited, is it? That’s a hard one but you have to hold out for someone special. Someone

who wants you as much as you want him; someone who’ll be proud to call you his boyfriend.”