I climbed up to Level 2. In the corridor young Cadet Fuentes came to attention. “Are we all right, sir? Did anything follow us?”

“Cadet, go to Lieutenant Tamarov for discipline.” My tone was harsh. “Don’t speak to the Captain unless he speaks to you!”

I knocked on the wardroom hatch. Derek opened. Paula Treadwell was lying in bed in her shorts, half asleep. Philip Tyre looked up from his bunk. Printouts of regulations were stacked on his blanket. I turned to leave and collided with Rafe Treadwell, just coming in. He jumped to attention. I ignored him.

I went back to Level 2, through the lock to the launch berth. Lieutenant Crossburn was carrying a seat onto the launch. He said nothing, his face grim. I turned on my heel and left.

I went to the infirmary. “I won’t be able to sleep tonight, Doctor. What will you give me?” I was brusque.

She looked at me a moment. “I’d prefer you tried to sleep first.”

“I don’t care what you’d prefer. Give me something.”

Still she hesitated. “Why can’t you sleep, Captain Seafort?”

“Because I’ll think.”

“About what?”

“You said this was a jinxed ship, Doctor. I’m the jinx. I didn’t make the revolt on Miningcamp, or create the life-form out there, but when things go wrong I ruin people. If I’d been a leader, Vax would have obeyed orders and he’d still have a career. Now I’ve destroyed him. And Philip, and Mr. Crossburn, and Alexi. And others. Give me the pill.”

She hesitated, then got it from the cabinet. She held it out.

“Don’t take it until you’re in your bed. And not before midnight.”

“All right.”

“Do you promise?”

I smiled sourly. “I promise.” I thrust the pill in my pocket and went back to my cabin.

I took off my jacket and tie and sat in my chair to wait out the evening. Below, Vax would be alone in his cabin; I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to abate. After a time I eyed my spacious quarters.

I hated this cabin. I hated the ship.

I wondered why the creature on Telstarhadn’t hurled one of its globs at me. Certainly Hiberniawould have been better served. I no longer had a reason to live. My career was shattered. I’d be separated by light-years from the woman I cherished. I had no friends. And, worst of all, I’d done it all to myself.

A knock. Annoyed at the interruption, I flung open the hatch. Chief McAndrews stood waiting. “What is it, Chief?”

“I need to talk to you privately, sir.”

“Not now. I don’t want to be bothered.”

“It’s important.”

The gall of the man. I was Captain. “Another time. Go below.”

“No.” He pushed past and shut the hatch behind him. I was stunned. He said quietly, “You can’t go on like this, Nick.”

Hope stirred. “You’ve come to relieve me?”

He raised his eyebrows. “No. I’ve come to talk sense into you.”

“This is mutiny! I’ll have you hanged!”

“You’ll do as you see fit.” His voice was stony. “When I’m done.” He shoved out a chair. “Sit.”

Numb, I sat. He pulled up another chair.

“You’re walking the ship like death warmed over, and it gives everyone the willies. Why?”

I looked to the deck. “Because I can’t stand how badly I do my job. Because I hate myself.”

“Why is that?”

“I’ve done my best and failed. I was friends with you, once. I ended that. I brutalized Alexi, the cadets, even Derek.

Instead of inspiring the men, I threaten to hang them. Sometimes I do it. I caused Sandy’s death along with all the others.

I savaged the Pilot and I destroyed Vax. Do you need more? I’m ruining Philip Tyre and Ardwell Crossburn. I broke up the Treadwell family for my own amusement. I killed three men in the gig because I was too stupid to circle Telstarbefore mooring to her hull. And the worst is, it will go on.

Either I fail my oath to Lord God, or I continue making things worse!” My eyes stung.

He asked, as if puzzled, “Why must you do that to yourself?”

“Do what?”

“Cast everything you do in the worst possible light. Why do you never give yourself credit?”

I waved it away, with contempt. “For what?”

“You intuited a glitch in Darla and saved us from catastrophe.

You took us to Hope Nation on course and on schedule without commissioned officers. You had the guts to carry out Captain Malstrom’s executions, and steadied the crew for the long haul.

You saved us all at Miningcamp. Can’t you see it?”

“I killed Sandy! I killed Mr. Howard and the others! Can’t you see that?”

He shouted, “No! No one can, except you!”

I recoiled in shocked silence.

“God damn it, Nicky, you’re as good a Captain as Hibernia ever had! What in the bloody hell is the matter with you?”

“I’m not! A Captain leads! Look at Justin Haag--no one would dream of questioning him. I have to bully everyone! That’s why they dislike me so.”

“Who?”

“Vax, for one. Ever since I brutalized him in the wardroom!”

“Vax would die for you,” he said quietly.

“He can’t feel that way!” A tear found its way down my cheek.

“They all do. Derek--you made a man out of him and he reveres you. You can’t imagine how strongly he feels. Alexi idolizes you. He’d follow you anywhere.”

“But look what I did to him!”

“You didn’t do that!” the Chief thundered. “Philip Tyre did!”

I recoiled from his anger. “Philip, then. I set him up, and delivered him into Alexi’s hands.”

“He deserves it. Alexi’s taking revenge. So?”

“I could have stopped Philip, won him over.”

His meaty fist slammed the table. “Nobody could stop him! That’s why he was sent to you!”

I stopped cold, realizing the truth of that. Doubt began to eat at the edges of my disgust.

“Ricky Fuentes,” the Chief said. “He talks of you with stars in his eyes. Paula and Rafe. What made them want to leave their parents to sign up, you idiot? Not the Navy. You!”

His vehemence took away my breath. I swallowed.

“Why must you be perfect, Nicky?”

“That’s why we’re here!” I saw our drab, worn kitchen, Bible open on the rickety table, while Father waited.

“Can you be perfect?” the Chief demanded, as if from a distance.

“No, but we have to try!”

“Is trying ever good enough?”

His voice faded. Father glowered. Sullenly, I glared back. No matter how hard I tried, I could never please him, because I wasn’t perfect. Only Lord God could be perfect; only Lord God could be good enough. No matter what I did I couldn’t win his approval. Yes, I could be good. I could be excellent.

I could never be perfect.

“It’s not fair!” I cried in anguish to Father. He slapped me; my head snapped to the side. But it wasn’t fair. Lord God couldn’t expect perfection, no matter what Father sought of me. My chest tightened in helpless frustration. If God couldn’t expect it, why must I? Father’s visage glimmered; I began at long last to comprehend. I demanded perfection because Father would accept no less. I sought proofs of my own imperfection, as Father must.

My eyes opened. I was in my cabin, with Chief McAndrews. Father wasn’t aboard. Unless I brought him with me.

I looked at the Chief. “But I can’t lead. Take Vax. He refused to obey a lawful order. I had to destroy him.”

“Why did he disobey?”

“Because he was foolish. He wanted to get us back aboard.

He risked everyone to save a few.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!” I said, tormented. “If I knew I could have stopped him!”

“Because he loves you.”

My breath caught in a sob.

“He knew what he was doing.” The Chief was remorseless. “He was willing to give up his career for you.

Perhaps his life as well.”

“But why, after all I did to him?” The rag and polish in the launch berth; before that, the brutal icy showers.

“You saved him from being a Philip Tyre. You were the only one who could do that. He loves you for it.”