Mary Pierce, a woman who claimed she was filled with great love for everyone in the world, was killed today by a man who says he didn’t know that.
An unregistered nurse in Phoenix has been arrested for sending obscene get-well cards.
In a bizarre accident, a man who looks like Dean Martin ran over and killed a man who resembles Jerry Lewis. Police spokesman Dave Brewster, who looks like Sammy Davis Jr., said they can find no significance.
The international sword-swallowing championships were held in Sweden yesterday. The judges say the level of competition was especially fierce this year, and they will announce the winners as soon as they are able to remove them from the platform.
Hollywood film star Vicki Lick, and her husband, Mark Stain, have called it quits after a seventeen-minute honeymoon in a pew in the back of the church.
And finally, on the lighter side: The Guinness Book of World Records announced today that Harold Twirlfine of Boston has amassed the world’s largest collection of chocolate pudding. Twirlfine, a carnival organist, has over 6,000 separate servings on display in his living room. He says that on many of the older servings an almost impenetrable skin has now formed, and in some cases the pudding has pulled completely away from the side of the dish. This has caused the formation of huge crevices where Twirlfine now stores part of his award-winning collection of Raisinets.
But Twirlfine’s feat is nothing compared to the largest single mass of Jell-O in the world. That title belongs to the good citizens of Lemon Lime, Minnesota, who last year poured 200,000 boxes of Jell-O powder into the lake. Most of the locals are happy with the results; however, some people diving at the lake’s shallow end have injured their heads on large pieces of fruit cocktail.
? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-104” ??I NEVER FUCKED A 10 ?
I never fucked a “10,” but one night I fucked five 2s. And I think that ought to count. It ought to go down in my record as a positive achievement. But here’s something I’m really proud of: I never fucked a 1. Well, I never got drunk enough. You have to swallow a lot of chemicals to even talk to a 1, much less actually fuck one.
Of course, some guys will fuck anybody. We know that. There’s always one guy in every crowd who’ll go,
“Hey, guys! Look! Let’s fuck her!”
“That’s a coat rack, Bob.”
“So?”
Some guys will fuck anybody. Not me. Not anymore. Not since herpes and AIDS have been floating around. I’m playin’ it safe these days. In fact, I’m being so careful I’ve stopped jerking off. You never know where your hand has been.
But if you’re one of these guys who’s still happily bashing the candle, I strongly suggest that you practice safe-sex masturbation. Don’t take chances. If you’re going to lie in bed and pretend you’re fucking some unsuspecting female, for God’s sake use a condom. It doesn’t take much time out of your fantasy to get up and go over to the dresser and get a condom. She’s not goin’ anywhere, that’s for sure! In fact, if you handle your fantasy correctly, you can probably talk her into goin’ over and gettin’ the condom for you.
? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-105” ??SHORT TAKES ?
To spice up the Miss America contest, I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win. Wouldn’t that get spooky-looking after about thirty years? How would you like to see some seventy-year-old woman in a bathing suit?
“I’d like everyone in the world to live in peace and harmony.”
“Fine. Sit down before you fall down. And pick up all those fuckin’ batons!”
The Muslims observe their sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely fuckin’ worn out.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, “Get this asshole outta here!”
In the doggie dictionary, under “bow wow” it says, “See ‘arf arf.’”
You know what you never see? A black guy with buckteeth.
When you look at the average American you realize there’s nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, “Jesus made me drop the ball,” or, “The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to Christian athletes, Jesus is undefeated. Meanwhile, a lot of these Holy assholes are in sixth place. Maybe it’s one of those miracles we hear so much about.
How come the Midwest is in the United States, and the Mideast is way the fuck overseas somewhere?
On Thanksgiving, most people give thanks for the things they have. Not me, I use Thanksgiving to ask for more things.
I think if a person doesn’t immediately answer a public page in an airport, the paging should get increasingly hostile each time it is repeated. Until finally they’re saying, “Goddammit, would the miserable jackoff calling himself David Klosterman please pick up the fuckin’ white courtesy phone?”
Regarding these famous boxers who make comebacks when they’re in their forties, don’t you wish one of them would get killed in the ring? Just for a goof?
Here’s a good example of practical humor, but you have to be in the right place. When a local television reporter is doing one of those on-the-street reports at the scene of a news story, usually you’ll see some onlookers in the background of the shot, waving and trying to be seen on television. Go over and stand with them but don’t wave. Just stand perfectly still and, without attracting attention, move your lips, forming the words, “I hope all you stupid fuckin’ lip-readers are watching. Why don’t you just blow me, you goofy deaf bastards.” The TV station will enjoy taking the many phone calls.
I feel sorry for bisexuals. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Jesus, think of all the phone numbers you’d come home with. Might as well walk around with the white pages under your arm.
Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
I’m glad the Peanuts comic strip is finished; I never understood its appeal. I’m looking forward now to the disappearance of Garfield and Doonesbury.
One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is “Libertarian.” People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it’s just one more bullshit political philosophy.
When a plane crashes, and a lot of people die, I always wonder what happens to their frequent flier miles.
Why don’t they have waiters in waiting rooms?
I’m glad Americans have trashed their national parks. I especially like that they can’t blame it on Jews, blacks or immigrants. It was all done by ignorant, white-slob American tourists.
When you read about all the presidents who had affairs, you feel sorry for Gerald Ford. Apparently no one wanted to fuck him. Except Betty. And she was drunk a lot.
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS TRUE. THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS FALSE.
Many people think they have to lie to get out of jury duty. You don’t have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’ll make a really good juror because you can spot guilty people just by looking at them. Explain that it has to do with how far apart their eyes are. I guarantee you’ll be out of that courtroom before you can say “justice sucks.”