Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it’s as simple as that. And term limits don’t help. All you do is get a brand new bunch of ignorant leaders.

So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.

Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.

Vote? No!

For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn’t mean a thing.

Second, I don’t vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, “If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.” But where’s the logic in that? Think it through: if you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they screw things up, then you’re responsible for what they’ve done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain.

I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can’t people see that?

Now, I realize last year you folks had another one of those really swell presidential elections you treasure so much. That was nice. I’m sure you had a good time, and I’m sure that everyone’s life has now improved. But I’m happy to tell you that on Election Day I stayed home. And I did essentially what you did. The only difference is when I got finished masturbating I had something to show for it.

The 20th Century World-Hostility Scoreboard

The following is a list of hostilities that took place in the 20th Century among the civilized peoples of the world. The uncivilized were unable to provide reliable statistics.

2 ?

world wars ?

250 ?

civil wars ?

311 ?

holy wars ?

1 ?

cold war ?

516 ?

wars of liberation ?

331 ?

wars of containment ?

691 ?

wars of honor ?

296 ?

declared wars ?

856 ?

undeclared wars ?

4 ?

brushfire wars ?

2 ?

vest-pocket wars ?

413 ?

limited wars ?

1,987 ?

acts of war ?

7,756 ?

warlike acts ?

88 ?

police actions ?

2 ?

nuclear attacks ?

6,578 ?

government massacres ?

4 ?

holocausts ?

943 ?

jihads ?

693 ?

pogroms ?

614 ?

longterm persecutions ?

12,111 ?

acts of treachery ?

575 ?

betrayals of the masses ?

958 ?

grabs for power ?

400 ?

putsches ?

50 ?

total enslavements ?

837 ?

partial enslavements ?

4 ?

total genocides ?

461 ?

partial genocides ?

13,658 ?

cease-fire violations ?

3,115 ?

boundary disputes ?

1,432 ?

border clashes ?

3,047 ?

social conflicts ?

798 ?

sectarian rivalries ?

13,678 ?

civil disturbances ?

946 ?

carpet bombings ?

4,288 ?

threats to security ?

286 ?

popular uprisings ?

1,877 ?

areas of unrest ?

622 ?

strife-torn regions ?

165 ?

internal upheavals ?

745 ?

political repressions ?

12,194 ?

acts of sabotage ?

1,633 ?

swift reprisals ?

818 ?

armed resistances ?

639 ?

repressive measures ?

1,126 ?

violent outbursts ?

9,876 ?

mass detentions ?

11,904 ?

guerilla operations ?

3,466 ?

suicide missions ?

823 ?

slaughters ?

1,200 ?

bloodbaths ?

43,096 ?

atrocities ?

161 ?

reigns of terror ?

715 ?

rebellions ?

28 ?

revolutions ?

21 ?

counterrevolutions ?

746 ?

coups ?

745 ?

countercoups ?

457 ?

insurgencies ?

458 ?

counterinsurgencies ?

4,622 ?

covert operations ?

3,422 ?

direct interventions ?

617 ?

enemy incursions ?

13 ?

measured responses ?

295 ?

commando strikes ?

694 ?

retaliatory raids ?

844 ?

surprise attacks ?

236 ?

protective reactions ?

2,155 ?

frontal assaults ?

213 ?

responses in kind ?

17,867 ?

hostile incidents ?

4,756 ?

belligerent moves ?

938 ?

naked aggressions ?

849 ?

foreign adventures ?

601 ?

overseas entanglements ?

307 ?

arms races ?

98 ?

international powder kegs ?

515 ?

regional tinderboxes ?

818 ?

military flashpoints ?

2,415 ?

heated exchanges ?

911 ?

shows of force ?

668 ?

heightenings of tension ?

735 ?

deliberate provocations ?

921 ?

military confrontations ?

639 ?

dangerous escalations ?

3,721 ?

terrorist bombings ?

438 ?

preemptive strikes ?

630 ?

outside aggressions ?

8,571 ?

violent disturbances ?

646 ?

surgical strikes ?

82,879 ?

ultimatums ?

788,969,747 ?

heated arguments ?

823,285,571 ?

shoving matches ?

917,704,296 ?

fistfights ?

942,759,050 ?

snotty phone calls ?

That’s how we did, folks. Not a bad record, although we could have done better, considering the number of fools in our ranks.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-96” ??ROCKETS AND PENISES IN THE PERSIAN GULF ?

History Lesson

I’d like to talk a little about that “war” we had in the Persian Gulf. Remember that? The big war in the Persian Gulf? Lemme tell you what was goin’ on.

Naturally, you can forget all that entertaining fiction about having to defend the model democracy those lucky Kuwaitis get to live under. And for the moment you can also put aside the very real, periodic need Americans have for testing their new weapons on human flesh. And also, just for the fun of it, let’s ignore George Bush’s obligation to protect the oil interests of his family and friends. There was another, much more important, consideration at work. Here’s what really happened.

Dropping a Load for Uncle Sam

The simple fact is that America was long overdue to drop high explosives on helpless civilians; people who have no argument with us whatsoever. After all, it had been awhile, and the hunger gnaws. Remember that’s our specialty: picking on countries that have marginally effective air forces. Yugoslavia is another, more recent, example.

Surfing Unnecessary

But all that aside, let me tell you what I liked about that Gulf War: it was the first war that appeared on every television channel, including cable. And even though the TV show consisted largely of Pentagon war criminals displaying maps and charts, it got very good ratings. And that makes sense, because we like war. We’re a warlike people. We can’t stand not to be fucking with someone. We couldn’t wait for the Cold War to end so we could climb into the big Arab sandbox and play with our nice new toys. We enjoy war.