Grandma straightened with a frighteningly excited look on her face. “I know what I’ll do.”

God, now would be a good time for a waiter to brain her with a serving platter.

Grandmother gave a gleeful smile and clapped her hands. “Yes, it’s perfect. I’ll pay for breast implants for you!”

TWO

Grandma did not just bellow “breast implants” in the middle of the Red Egg and Ginger party.

Lex’s heart stopped for a long, painful moment, then started again at NASCAR speed. Her hands shook and tightened as if they were clenched around a vibrating steering wheel. Except she could never steer Grandma. Pity.

Lex drew a deep breath, fortifying herself for battle. “Grandma, we are going to discuss this somewhere else.”

The glow in Grandma’s eyes sharpened to sparks. “Why? It’s obvious you can’t get a boy with salt shakers like those.”

Salt shakers?

She had that “Let Grandma fix everything” expression on her face. Her gaze settled lower. “What are you? Double-A? No problem. You know my friend Mrs. Fang? Her second husband…”

Grandma. Outside. Now. Lex toyed with the wonderful daydream of bodily nabbing her and carting her outside so she could strangle her there.

Back to reality – she couldn’t manhandle her grandmother, especially since the old woman looked so deceptively delicate.

Lex needed reinforcements. Grandma’s yelling should have brought Lex’s cousins. Where was the cavalry?

There, several tables away, chatting amongst themselves while Lex was in mortal danger. Trish’s body faced Lex’s direction, although she cast flirty side-glances at some waiter. Lex lifted her hand and waved.

“Lex, stop flinging your hand around and pay attention,” Grandma scolded her. “Now, I think Mrs. Fang brought her husband today.”

“But my dress…” The congealing sauce made a chilly circle over her breastbone.

“He’s not going to examine you right here.” Grandma’s reasonable tone belied the diabolically psychotic mind behind her stubborn, kohl-lined eyes.

Lex cast a desperate glance at Trish and flung both arms high in the air – or at least as far as the tight sheath dress would let her -slapping the chin of a middle-aged relative who had just gotten up from his chair. “Oops, sorry.”

At last, Trish saw her.

About time! Lex stretched her eyes wide in a “Need help here!” message, while jerking her head in Grandma’s direction.

Trish’s expression morphed from curiosity to horror in milliseconds. She nudged Venus and Jennifer, then hurled herself over the crammed chairs in her desperation to reach her cousin. Venus followed with more grace. Jennifer trailed her like a shadow, eyes bigger than char siu baos.

“Grandma!” Trish squealed with false cheer.

Grandma scowled at Trish. “What?”

Stumped, Trish’s exuberance flash-froze. “Uh…”

Uh oh. Apparently Grandma still hadn’t forgiven Trish for bringing that punk rocker to their cousin’s baby shower last month and letting a two-year-old play with his belly button ring.

“Hi, Grandma.” Venus inserted herself between Trish and Grandma’s annoyed glare. “We need to talk with Lex.”

“No, I’m talking to her first. You’re so impatient. Come on, Lex, we’re going to see Mr. Fang.”

“Grandma, I don’t want breast implants.” Lex had a hard time hissing through clenched teeth.

Trish’s eyes went from concerned to DEFCON 5. Venus rolled hers. Jennifer’s face paled.

Grandma’s eyes grew steely like her Chinese cleaver. “That’s ridiculous. No man wants a woman as flat as an ironing board.”

“Grandma!” Trish’s squeak cut through the noise of the people eating.

“Grandma, I need your help.” Jennifer’s soft voice cooled the tension like a fire blanket. “Mom’s trying to pick out new kitchen curtains. Could you look at some color swatches I have in my car?”

Grandma’s bulldog expression melted into her sweet Miss Marple facade. “Oh, certainly, dear.”

Lex watched in disbelief as Jennifer led Grandma through the crowd toward the door. Grandma limped a little – Lex remembered she’d been favoring her right hip earlier.

“Close your mouth.” Venus nudged Lex’s shoulder as she turned to follow. “And don’t even think of abandoning us to face Grandma in the parking lot.”

“Yeah, she hasn’t forgotten about you.” Trish grabbed Lex’s arm in a manacle grip and tugged her after Venus.

Lex felt like Marie Antoinette as she wove between the tables, past the stares of her relatives and family friends. The guillotine had many similarities to Grandma in a completely illogical mood.

She joined the cousins at Jennifer’s car.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Grandma.” Jenn straightened from rummaging in her car trunk. “I guess I forgot the swatches at work. I had to hurry to get to the party on time.”

Oops, wrong thing for Jenn to say. Grandma flicked a sharp look at Lex through narrowed eyes and patted Jennifer’s hand. “At least you were on time.”

Oh, good gravy. “I’m sorry, Grandma. I already told you I was playing volleyball – ”

“You spend too much time playing. Aunty May says you can’t find a boyfriend because you’ve been whacked in the head with a volleyball too many times.”

Reminder to self: Get Aunty May a muzzle.

“And your father says you’re home every night. Why aren’t you dating?”

Greeeat. Grandma even used Lex’s dad to spy on her. Lex only needed to save a little more for a down payment on a condo, and then she’d be out of Dad’s house, pronto. “I’m not home every night. I have practice with my girls’ volleyball team every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” Grandma didn’t need to know that practice ended in the late afternoon and that she played adult leagues three nights a week too.

“That girls’ team is taking up too much of your time.”

“I just don’t like dating. What’s so wrong with that?”

“Are you lesbian?”

“Graaandmaaa! ” Screeched in unison by Trish, Venus, and Jennifer, the word had twelve syllables.

“No, Grandma. I’m Christian.” Have been the last twenty times you complained that I wasn’t at Buddhist temple.

Grandma shrugged. “What’s wrong? Half my friends have homosexual children.”

Trish bit her lip. “Well, Lex, this is the San Francisco Bay Area…”

“See?” Grandma drew herself up. “You can’t blame me for wondering. Now, what’s so bad about getting more bosom?”

“The subject of my bra size is closed. Closed, Grandma!”

Grandma pinched her mouth closed and flared her nostrils. Her brown eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re missing my point. You never bring anyone with you to family functions.”

“Fine. I’ll bring a guy to the next family thing.”

Grandma’s eyes narrowed. “No, that’s too easy. You’ll just ask one of your volleyball friends.”

Lex couldn’t win. “Well, then, what do you want?”

As soon as the words came out, she knew they were the wrong thing to say. Grandma smiled a Maneki welcoming-cat grin. “I want you to have a boyfriend by Mariko’s wedding.”

“The end of May? That’s only four months away.”

Trish leaned in close to hum in Lex’s ear. “You can’t hurry love… ” Lex jabbed an elbow in Trish’s squishy side and elicited a soft squeal.

Grandma heard her. “Who’s hurrying? You four are already thirty – ”

“Not all of us.” Venus’s cheeks burned Hello-Kitty pink.

Grandma shrugged. “You and Jennifer are only a few months behind these two. Close enough.”

Lex crossed her arms. “You can’t make me get a boyfriend in four months.”

Grandma’s expression sharpened. “I’ll cut funding to your girls’ club volleyball team if you don’t.”

The air sucked out of Lex’s lungs like a vacuum cleaner had attached itself to her gaping mouth. She gasped in a sharp breath that stung her throat. “You wouldn’t.”

“Now you’re taking me seriously, aren’t you?”

“You agreed to fund them throughout playoffs this summer.”