The problem is, Jacob’s difference doesn’t confine itself to Jacob. It’s like the time my mother’s red shirt bled in the wash and turned all my clothes pink: my brother’s Asperger’s has made me different, too. I could never have friends over, because what if Jacob had a meltdown? If I thought it was weird to see my brother peeing on the heater to watch steam rise, what the hell would someone from school think? That I was a freak, no doubt, by association.
True confession number one: When I’m walking down the hall in school and I see Jacob at the other end of the corridor, I intentionally divert my path to avoid him.
True confession number two: Once, when a bunch of kids from another school started making fun of Jacob as he attempted to play kickball-a hot mess if ever there was one-I pretended that I didn’t know him; I laughed along, too.
True confession number three: I truly believe that I have it worse than Jacob, because he’s oblivious most of the time to the fact that people want nothing to do with him; but I am one hundred percent aware that they’re all looking at me and thinking, Oh, that’s the bizarre kid’s brother.
True confession number four: I don’t sit around thinking about having kids, normally, but when I do it scares the shit out of me. What if my own son winds up being like Jacob? I’ve already spent my whole childhood dealing with autism; I don’t know if I can handle doing it for the rest of my life.
Any time I think of one of these things, I feel like crap. I’m pretty much useless: not Jacob’s parent, and not one of his teachers. I’m just here as the benchmark alternative, so that my mother can look from Jacob to me and measure the distance between an AS kid and a so-called normal one.
When that girl asked me to go to Jesus Camp, I asked her if Jesus was going to be there. She looked confused, and then said no. Well, I said, isn’t that a little like going to hockey camp and not playing hockey? As I walked away, the girl told me Jesus loved me.
How do you know? I asked.
Once, after Jacob had raged through my room like a tropical storm and destroyed most of what was important to me, my mother came in to commiserate. Deep down, he loves you, she told me.
How do you know? I asked.
I don’t, she admitted. But it’s what I have to believe to keep going.
I’ve looked in my jacket, my pants. I’ve scoured the driveway. But I can’t find the iPod, and that means it’s lost somewhere between here and her house.
What if she knows I tried to take it?
What if she tells someone?
By the time I get home from school, life is back to normal. My mother is typing away on her laptop at the kitchen table, and Jacob is in his room with the door closed. I make myself ramen noodles and eat them in my room with Coldplay blasting as I do my French homework.
My mother’s always telling me I can’t listen to music when I do my homework. Once, she barged in and accused me of not working on my English paper when it was what I’d been doing all along. How good could it possibly be, she said, if you’re not concentrating?
I told her to sit down and read the stupid paper on my computer.
She did, and shut up pretty quickly. I got an A on that project, as I recall.
I guess that somehow the gene pool in our family got all mixed up, and as a result, Jacob can only focus on one thing, an extreme obsession, while I can do sixteen thousand things at a time.
When I finish my homework I’m still hungry, so I go downstairs. My mother is nowhere to be found-and there’s no freaking food in the house, for a change (not)-but I notice Jacob sitting in the living room. I look up at the clock, but I hardly have to-if it’s 4:30 in our house, it must be CrimeBusters.
I hesitate at the doorway, watching him pore over his notebooks. Half of me is ready to slink away without being seen by Jacob, but the other half remembers what he looked like this morning. In spite of all I’ve said about wishing he was never born, seeing him like that-like the light had gone out inside him, sort of-made me feel like I’d been punched over and over in the gut.
What if I’d been born first, and was the one who wound up with Asperger’s? Would he be standing here wishing I wouldn’t notice him, too?
Before I can even let myself get good and guilty, Jacob starts talking. He doesn’t look at me-he never does-but that probably means all his other senses are more finely tuned. “It’s episode twenty-two today,” he says, as if we have been in the middle of a conversation. “An oldie but a goodie.”
“How many times have you seen this one?” I ask.
He glances down at his notebook. “Thirty-eight.”
I’m not a huge fan of CrimeBusters. In the first place, I think the acting is bad. In the second place, this has to be the richest CSI lab ever, with all its bells and whistles. Something tells me that the fuming chamber at the state lab in Vermont looks a lot more like Jacob’s duct-taped old fish tank than the CrimeBusters version, which is jazzed up with blue neon lights and lots of chrome. Plus, the investigators seem to spend a lot more time figuring out who’s going to jump into bed with whom than they do solving crimes.
All the same, I sit down next to my brother on the couch. There’s a good foot of space between us, because Jacob isn’t crazy about being touched. I know better than to talk when the show is on-instead, I limit my editorial comments to the moments when there are commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs and OxiClean.
The story line involves a girl who’s found dead after a hit-and-run. There’s a paint scrape on her scooter, so the sexy CSI takes it to the lab. Meanwhile, the dude who does the autopsies finds a bruise on the girl’s body that looks like a fingerprint. The crusty old CSI photographs it and takes it to the lab and gets a hit-some retired government employee who’s drinking his prune juice and using a Clapper when Crusty and Sexy show up. They ask him if he’s had a car accident lately, and he says that his car was stolen. Unfortunately for him, the CSIs find it parked in the attached garage. Caught red-handed, he admits that he was driving and that his foot hit the accelerator instead of the brake. When Sexy examines the car, though, she finds the driver’s seat pushed back too far for the old man’s height, and the stereo set to hip-hop. Sexy asks if anyone else drives Grandpa’s car just as a teenage boy enters. Gramps admits that after hitting the girl on her scooter, he banged his head, so his grandson drove him home. Needless to say, no one believes him, but it’s his word against theirs until Crusty finds a piece of tooth lodged in the steering wheel, which gets matched to the grandson. The kid’s arrested, and his grandfather gets released.
The whole time I am watching this, Jacob is scribbling away in his notebooks. He has shelves full of them, all filled with crime scenarios that aired on this TV show. “What do you write down in there?” I ask.
Jacob shrugs. “The evidence. Then I try to deduce what will happen.”
“But you’ve seen this one thirty-eight times,” I say. “You already know how it’s going to turn out.”
Jacob’s pen keeps scratching across the page. “But maybe it’ll end differently this time,” he says. “Maybe today, the kid won’t get caught.”
On Thursday morning my phone rings. “Matson,” I say, answering.
“The CDs are in alphabetical order.”
I frown at the unfamiliar voice. Sounds like some kind of speakeasy password. The CDs are in alphabetical order. And the bluebird wears fishnet stockings. And just like that, you get entry to the inner sanctum.