RODERICK (V.O.)
And for a five-hundred guinea fee, paid to his City law-firm, Lord West kindly arranged a meeting with that old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, the thirteenth Earl of Crabs.
EARL OF CRABS
Mr. Cosgrove, when I take up a person, he or she is safe. There is no question about them any more. My friends are the best people. I don't mean the most virtuous, or, indeed, the least virtuous, or the cleverest, or the stupidest, or the richest, or the best born, but the "best" -- in a word, people about whom there is no question. I cannot promise you how long it will take. You can appreciate it is not an easy matter. But any gentlemen with an estate, and ten-thousand a-year should have a peerage.
Roderick being introduced to three noblemen, including the Duke of Rutland.
RODERICK (V.O.)
The striving after this peerage, I consider to have been one of the most unlucky dealings at this period. I made unheard of sacrifices to bring it about. I can tell you bribes were administered, and in high places too -- so near the royal person of His Majesty that you would be astonished were I to mention what great personages condescended to receive our loans.
Roderick gives a beautiful diamond to a fat princess on her birthday. He is applauded by the other guests.
RODERICK (V.O.)
I lavished money here, and diamonds there.
Roderick and the seller, riding over a prospective property. A broker shows them a survey map of the property.
RODERICK (V.O.)
I bought lands at ten times there value.
A musical evening.
RODERICK (V.O.)
I gave repeated entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the royal person, were likely to advance it.
Roderick buying pictures.
RODERICK (V.O.)
I purchased pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices.
Roderick laughing and paying a bet.
RODERICK (V.O.)
I lost many a bet to the royal dukes, His Majesty's brothers.
Reviewing the company of troops.
Roderick, the Earl of Crabs, the Countess, Patrick and Brookside, several princes and noblemen and the Duke of Rutland.
RODERICK (V.O.)
One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailed upon me was the fitting out and arming of a company of infantry from the Hackton estates, which I offered to my gracious sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. These troops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth in the year 1778.
George III meeting people and stopping to talk to Roderick. Present also is the Duke of Rutland.
RODERICK (V.O.)
And the patriotism of the gentlemen who raised them was so acceptable at court that, on being presented by my Lord Crabs, His Majesty condescended to notice me particularly and said:
GEORGE III
That's right, Mr. Cosgrove, raise another company, and go with them, too!
RODERICK (V.O.)
Crabs was really one of the most entertaining fellows in the world, and I took a sincere pleasure in his company, besides the interest and desire I had in cultivating the society of the most important personages of the realm.
Roderick clumsily tries to engage in conversation with the famed Dr. Johnson, on the subject of a book or play, of the day, and is rebuffed for his trouble.
JOHNSON
If I were you, Mr. Cosgrove, I should mind my horses and tailors and not trouble myself about letters.
Laughter, Roderick bristles.
RODERICK
Dr. Johnson, I think you misbehave most grossly, treating my opinions with no more respect than those of a schoolboy. You fancy, sir, you know a great deal more than me, because you quote your "Aristotle" and "Plato," but can you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs next week? Can you shoot the ace of spades ten times without missing? If so, talk about Aristotle and Plato with me.
BOSWELL
(roars)
Do you know who you're speaking to?!
JOHNSON
Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell, I had no right to brag of my Greek, gentlemen, and he has answered me very well.
RODERICK
(pleased)
Do you know ever a rhyme for Aristotle?
GOLDSMITH
(laughing)
Port, if you please.
JOHNSON
Waiter, bring on of Captain James' rhymes for Aristotle.
RODERICK (V.O.)
And we had six rhymes for Aristotle before we left the coffee house that evening.
EARL OF CRABS
Henri, this is Mr. James Cosgrove, who wishes to arrange a dinner party next week for sixty guests.
HENRI
I am at your service, Mr. Cosgrove. How much do you wish to spend?
RODERICK
As much as possible.
HENRI
As much as possible?
RODERICK
Yes, for I wish to entertain splendidly.
HENRI
All the same, you must name an amount.
RODERICK
It is entirely up to you. I want the best.
EARL OF CRABS
May I suggest five hundred guineas?
RODERICK
Will that be enough?
HENRI
Last month, the Duke of Suffolk spent no more.
RODERICK
All right, five hundred guineas.
Roderick is seated at a large table, stacked high with bills and letters; his accountant is seated next to him, aided by a bookkeeper. Roderick looks at each bill and his accountant explains the charge.
RODERICK (V.O.)
The life I was leading was that of a happy man, but I was not happy.
Roderick, walking with big strides, leads Brookside by his ear. Little Patrick runs alongside, pleading for his brother.
PATRICK
Papa, please don't flog Brookside today. It wasn't his fault -really is wasn't.
Roderick ignores him.
RODERICK (V.O.)
By now, young Brookside was of so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature that I never had the least regard for him. As he grew up to be a man, his hatred for me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of and which, I promise you, I returned with interest.
He drags Brookside into his study, slamming the door behind him.
Roderick alone. Brookside enters with a pistol.
BROOKSIDE
(grinding his teeth)
Look you now, Mister Roderick James, from this moment on, I will submit to no further chastisement from you! Do you understand that?
RODERICK
Give me that pistol.
BROOKSIDE
Take heed, Mister James. I will shoot you if you lay hands on me now, or ever again. Is that entirely clear to you, sir?
Roderick stares hard at him, then he laughs and sits down.
RODERICK (V.O.)
I decided, at once, to give up that necessary part of his education. In truth, he then became the most violent, daring, disobedient, scapegrace, that ever caused an affectionate parent pain; he was certainly the most incorrigible.