12. Share Your Passions

I have a confession to make. I've never been to a so-called "networking event" in my life.

If properly organized, these get-togethers in theory could work. Most, however, are for the desperate and uninformed. The average attendees are often unemployed and too quick to pass on their resumes to anyone with a free hand—usually the hand of someone else who is unemployed looking to pass on his resume. Imagine a congregation of people with nothing in common except joblessness. That's not exactly a recipe for facilitating close bonds.

When it comes to meeting people, it's not only whom you get to know but also how and where you get to know them.

For example, take the first-class section on an airplane. Flying first class is not something most people can afford, but there's an interesting camaraderie among those front seats that you won't find back in coach. To begin with, there are always a number of movers and shakers up front, in close quarters, for hours at a time. Because they've slapped down an absurd premium for the luxury of getting off the plane a few seconds earlier than the rest of the passengers, fellow first-classers assume you, too, are important, and they often seek to quench their curiosity about who you are and why you're as dumb as they are to pay such an inflated price. I can't tell you how many valuable clients and contacts I've met during a conversation struck up during an in-flight meal. (By the way, this is the only acceptable time to bother your seat mate.)

At a so-called "networking event," the dynamics are just the opposite. People assume you're in the same boat they are—desperate. Credibility is hard to gain. If you're jobless, doesn't it make more sense to hang with the job-givers than fellow job-seekers?

There are better ways, and better places, to spend your time. Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relation-

ship. Race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or busi-

ness, professional, and personal interests are relational glue. It makes sense, then, that events and activities where you'll thrive are those built around interests you're most passionate about.

Friendship is created out of the quality of time spent between two people, not the quantity. There is a misconception that to build a bond, two people need to spend a great deal of time together. This is not the case. Outside your family and work, you probably can count the people you see a great deal of in the course of a month on two hands. Yet, surely, you have more than ten friends. It is what you do together that matters, not how often you meet. That's why you have to pay special attention to where you're most comfortable and what activities you most enjoy.

Usually it's the events and activities you excel at that you're most passionate about. So it makes sense to make these the focus of your efforts. For me, my love of food and exercise has led to the most amazing get-togethers. For others, it maybe stamps, baseball cards, politics, or skydiving that brings you together.

The power of shared passion in bringing people together can be seen today in the rising trend of blogs, or Web logs. Blogs are online journals, usually dedicated to an individual's interests, containing commentary and links to relevant news and information.

Popular blogs attract like-minded legions to their sites. The blogosphere (the community of active bloggers writing on topics that range from spirituality to sports) has grown from a dozen or so Web logs in 1999 to an estimated five million today.

When they write the history of the 2004 presidential campaign, an entire chapter could be dedicated to blogs. No other innovation in the last twenty years has influenced electoral politics quite like these impassioned online communities. They've galvanized an unprecedented number of voters into action, raised millions, and given people an outlet to participate in the political process. It's amazing to think that one person, writing about what or whom they love, could have so much influence or create a community of people so quickly.

When we are truly passionate about something, it's contagious. Our passion draws other people to who we are and what we care about. Others respond by letting their guard down. Which is why sharing your passion is important in business.

I can tell more about how someone is likely to react in a business situation from my experience with them at an intimate dinner, or after just one strenuous workout, than I can from any number of in-office meetings. We just naturally loosen up outside the office. Or perhaps it's the venue itself—not to mention the wine over dinner. It's astonishing how much more you can learn about someone when you are both doing something you enjoy.

I have a friend who is the executive vice president of a large bank in Charlotte. His networking hotspot is, of all places, the YMCA. He tells me that at 5 and 6 in the morning, the place is buzzing with exercise fanatics like himself getting in a workout before they go to the office. He scouts the place for entrepreneurs, current customers, and prospects. Then, as he's huffing and puffing on the StairMaster, he answers their questions about investments and loans.

Besides food and exercise, I sometimes take people to church.

That's right, church. I attend a mostly African-American and Hispanic Catholic Church in Los Angeles—St. Agatha's. It's wonderfully "unorthodox." Instead of "passing the peace" in the form of a simple handshake, a gospel choir belts out uplifting tunes while the congregants walk around the church hugging each other for ten minutes. It's an amazing scene. I don't try to foist my beliefs on anyone; the people I bring along—whether an actor or lawyer or an atheist or Orthodox Jew—tend to see my invitation as a kind of personalized gift. It shows them that I think so highly of them that I'm willing to share such a deeply personal part of my life.

Contrary to popular business wisdom, I don't believe there has to be a rigid line between our private and public lives. Old-school business views the expression of emotions and compassion as vulnerability; today's new businesspeople see such attributes as the glue that binds us. When our relationships are stronger, our businesses and careers are more successful.

Take Bonnie Degrius, a consultant who used to work at the Gartner Group. Bonnie sends her list of contacts and associates an annual newsletter that is, well, all about her. She writes of the new and exciting things she's working on, or about her family. She wrote about how the death of her father changed her life. You might think those who received this letter were uncomfortable with such a public display of emotion. Just the opposite. More and more people—men, women, colleagues, and strangers alike— asked to receive Bonnie's letter. They'd write her back and tell her of similar experiences they'd been through. After a few years, Bonnie had a network that stretched across the nation. She's poured her heart and passion onto the page and, because of it, she's received the trust and admiration of hundreds in return.

Make a list of the things you're most passionate about. Use your passions as a guide to which activities and events you should be seeking out. Use them to engage new and old contacts. If you love baseball, for example, take potential and current clients to a ballgame. It doesn't matter what you do, only that it's something you love doing.

Your passions and the events you build around them will create deeper levels of intimacy. Pay attention to matching the event to the particular relationship you're trying to build. I've got an informal list of activities I use to keep in touch with my business and personal friends. Here are some things I like to do: