CHAPTER 8

VIOLET SPENT THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON brooding…getting angrier and angrier, and feeling worse and worse. She’d hoped that her homework might provide some sort of diversion, occupying her thoughts with something other than being annoyed with Jay.

But there hadn’t been enough homework for her to do, there probably wasn’t enough homework in the world, to distract her for very long. She thought about Jay while she was doing her trig assignment, she thought about him while she wrote her English paper, and she even thought about him when she was reading about the Lewis and Clark expedition. And not a single one of the thoughts she’d had was very pleasant at all.

Violet knew that her parents were concerned about her from the way they kept asking if she was feeling okay, or if everything was all right at school, casually trying to coax her problems out of her. She felt a little guilty that she didn’t want to talk about it, especially after all the worry she’d put them through when she’d discovered the dead girl in Lake Tapps. But she couldn’t help it, and as soon as she finished dinner, which consisted of a delivery pizza and a bag of prepackaged Caesar salad, she hurried up to her room where she could be alone.

She turned on the stereo and tried to finish her math homework. But instead, she ended up doodling along the edges of her paper and replaying the day’s events through her head. She wished again that she had just left after school let out, without waiting there like an idiot for Jay.

And now, with a little distance from the moment, she also wished that she hadn’t agreed to go to Homecoming with Grady. She wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t been so angry with Jay, so somehow even that became his fault.

She was sprawled across her bed on her stomach, trying to concentrate on the next equation, when she heard her mom knocking on the door. She tried to pretend she didn’t hear it. She just wasn’t up for a lecture about how holding her feelings inside wasn’t healthy and would block her chakras. But her mom didn’t give up easily and she knocked again…louder this time.

Violet pressed her forehead against her palms, trying to ward off the headache that was starting to pound behind her eyes, probably from her backed-up chakras, and she sighed her answer, half hoping it wouldn’t be heard. “Come in.”

She listened as the door opened, but she just couldn’t bring herself to look up. She didn’t have the energy to have this conversation right now, so she decided to lie to her mom. “I have a lot of homework,” she said before her mom could ask her what was wrong again. “I’m fine. Really. And I need to get this done.”

When her mom didn’t say anything right away, Violet felt hopeful that maybe she’d bought it and had decided to leave her alone after all. She waited to hear the sound of the door closing again. Instead she heard Jay’s voice.

“Really…you’re fine? Because I’m not.”

Violet looked up in surprise. Jay was the last person she’d expected to find in her room tonight.

He gave her an apologetic smile when she didn’t say anything right away. “You’re not gonna kick me out, are you?”

Violet wasn’t sure how she should react. She really wanted to stay mad at him; it was easier than admitting, even to herself, that her feelings had been hurt today. But, somehow, seeing him standing there-in person-took some of the wind out of her sails. She suddenly wished she could read his thoughts.

She shrugged, trying to keep her fragile hold on her already disintegrating anger. “No” was all she said, still waiting to see why he’d come. She sat up, watching him cautiously.

He sat down on the edge of her bed, and she felt herself shifting toward him as her mattress sank beneath his weight. “Look, Violet, I’m really sorry about today. I shouldn’t have left without you. You didn’t do anything.”

When she looked at him, listening to his explanation, she felt her heart foolishly clamoring inside her chest.

He paused, and then continued. “It’s not like I’m mad that you’re going to the dance. I was hoping you’d go to the dance.” He grimaced, and Violet thought he seemed to be choosing his words carefully, and she wondered what it was that he wasn’t saying. He let out his breath and admitted, “I guess I just didn’t expect it to be with Grady.”

So this was about Grady? She opened her mouth and started to say something, to tell him that she hadn’t planned on telling Grady yes, but before she could interrupt him, he plunged on. “I know…it’s stupid, and it’s really none of my business, and we’ve all been friends for so long, and…and I don’t know, Violet…I guess I didn’t want the fact that you two are going on a date to mess things up.”

Violet could no longer hold on to her frustration; now she was struggling with unspoken regret for not being able to tell him how she really felt about him. But he kept talking. “I realize that I had no right to get pissed off about it, though, and I acted like a total baby by leaving school today without telling you. I guess I just didn’t want to run into the two of you since you said you were meeting him after school.”

She picked at a piece of fuzz on her blanket. Violet wished now, more than ever, that she’d told Grady no.

“It’s okay, I guess. But it’s not like Grady and I are dating or anything. It’s just a dance-one night-it doesn’t mean anything. I promise it’s not going to ruin friendships. Especially not ours.”

“I know. I don’t know why I got so bent about it. For some reason it just caught me off guard and I acted like a total jackass. I’m really sorry, Violet.” The sweet sincerity of his voice caressed her.

She grinned at him. “Yeah, I know, you said that already.” She nudged him with her sock-clad foot. “I forgive you…you know, for being such a jackass.”

He grabbed her foot and yanked it until she was lying on her back. She giggled, feeling better already just knowing she didn’t have to spend any more time being angry with him.

But she also decided that this was as good a time as any for her to say something she’d been meaning to tell him for a while now…something that she hadn’t been able to bring herself to say before.

“Hey,” she said seriously, “since we’re apologizing tonight, I want to say something too.”

He flopped down on the bed, lying right beside her. She waited for the sense of calm that his nearness usually brought to her, but it never came. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was so nervous about, but somehow lying here, with his face only a breath away from hers, she was more uncomfortable than ever, and her uneasiness, and quite possibly the heat of his body against hers, made her hesitate.

Once again, Jay seemed to be reading her mind, and Violet wondered if she were really that transparent. She hoped he couldn’t read everything that was going on up there.

“Go ahead, Vi. You can say anything to me.” His lazy half-smile was mesmerizing, and she found herself staring at his lips for too long. “Anything,” he reassured her gently, and she wondered what those lips would feel like against her own.

It was now or never, she thought wryly, and she blinked to break his mind-numbing spell over her. “I…I’m really sorry…about that day at the lake. I didn’t mean to make you see that…” Now that she was in the middle of it, the words seemed even harder to find, and she wasn’t sure just how to say what she was trying to say. Inside her head she always sounded so confident and sure of herself, but somehow when the words reached her lips they fell out in a stammering mess. “…I shouldn’t have gone there…especially since I was pretty sure there was…you know, something there.”

Jay shook his head and propped himself on his elbow so that he was looking down at her. “You don’t have to apologize for that. I know that what you find is out of your control.” He reached out and brushed a stray piece of hair out of Violet’s face. His words were as gentle and thoughtfully sincere as his touch. “Besides, if you’d have told me ahead of time that you were sensing something there, I would have gone with you anyway. It’s not your fault it happened to be a girl and not some animal in there.