Chapter 4. Breaking Up Or Getting Engaged

After a while, the sparkle tends to go out of a relationship. I don’t care how passionate you are. I don’t care if you’re like those couples in romantic movies who, in the scene where they finally realize they’re in love, lunge into each other’s arms and fall to the ground, wherever they are, even if it is a pasture, and roll around amongst the cow doots in a sexual frenzy. You don’t think those couples keep that kind of thing up, do you? Throughout life? Of course not. What would their clothes smell like?

The point being, a relationship can survive on pure romance for only so long. Sooner or later, Mundane Reality starts to seep in, and you need to make a decision:

* Do you break up with this person and look around for another one in hopes of once again experiencing the searing surge of unbridled passion, ideally in a carpeted environment? Or,

* Do you accept that your relationship can move to a more mature stage, a stage based not so much upon impulse and romance and physical attraction as upon liking the same television shows? In short, do you get married?

How to Tell If You Are Compatible with Somebody

One way to find out if another person is “right” for you is to spend a lot of time with this person, talking and sharing experiences, so that you really get to know him or her as a human being. This is what we call the old-fashioned, or “stupid” way. The modern way is to take a Compatibility Quiz.

The Compatibility Quiz is a concept that was developed by top research scientists at Cosmopolitan magazine, a highly informative publication whose cover always has a picture of a glamorous woman, wearing an extremely low-cut outfit, whose breasts appear to be pointing straight up. In fact, they are pointing down: Cosmopolitan suspends these women by their feet from the ceiling. That is the price you have to pay, if you truly wish to be glamorous.

Anyway, if you want to know whether your relationship will work out, you need to sit down and answer these questions:

Money

Who do you feel should be the “breadwinner” in a family?

A. The man.

B. The woman.

C. H. Ross Perot.

Children

Which of the following statements best describes your feelings toward children?

A. “Put that down this instant!”

B. “I said put that down!”

C. “Never put your finger in that part of the doggy!!”

Housework

In a modern marriage, who do you feel should be responsible for the housework?

A. Nobody.

B. It should be divided up fairly and equally among the servants.

C. Leona Helmsley.

Recreation

Your idea of a pleasant romantic evening is:

A. Sipping a glass of wine and watching a roaring fire.

B. Drinking a few martinis and roaring at the fire.

C. Drinking a bottle of gin and setting things on fire.

Sex

The kind of sex you enjoy most is:

A. With another person.

B. With several other persons, but no animals.

C. At least not invertebrates.

D. Unless they are fairly tame.

Religion

How would you describe your attitude toward religion?

A. About your height, only thinner.

B. I am not especially big on religion, but I have watched it on television.

C. I am religious to the point of human sacrifice.

Family Crises

Bill and Denise are a young married working couple with no children. One day they set out from Reno, Nevada, on foot at exactly 4:30 P.m. Bill walks three miles per hour and rests for ten minutes each hour, while Denise walks at exactly two miles per hour without stopping. After a couple of days they are both dead from scorpions. Which of the following statements most closely matches your feelings regarding this?

A. It serves them right.

B. I hear Reno is quite nice.

C. I myself prefer a moister climate.

Current Events

The capital of Vermont is:

A. Where they keep the governor.

B. Very cold.

C. Probably in New England.

HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for each answer. No, what the heck, give yourself two points for each answer. Now add up your points and compare your total with the total for the person you’re trying to be compatible with. If both of your totals are numbers, odds are you two will hit it off pretty well. At least until you get married. Or maybe not. How the hell should I know?

Your total: Your potential mate’s total:

Alternative Method for Stupid People

Another excellent way to decide whether another person is compatible with you is to use astrology. The word “astrology” comes from the Greek or possibly Latin words “astro” and “ology,” so right away we can see that it is very scientific. In fact, astrology rests on a proven principle, namely that if you know the exact positions where the moon and the various planets were when a person was born, you can get this person to give you money. The way you do this is by making up random, semi-unintelligible pieces of advice, such as “attend to future considerations.”

To use astrology for your own personal benefit, simply locate your astrological “sign” then look up your horoscope in any reputable newspaper and govern your entire life accordingly.

How to Break Up

The ideal way to break up is the one featured in the famous best-selling book, Love Story, where the beautiful heroine, sensing that the relationship is getting maybe a little stale, contracts a fatal disease. In real life, however, it’s never that easy. You never have a really good excuse for breaking up with the other person, so you feel guilty, and you put off confronting the problem. I have a friend who found it so difficult to tell his girlfriend he no longer loved her that he just kept going along with the program, until finally, one day, they actually got married. They had a big wedding, and she was up there, in front of all her friends and family, thinking this was the happiest day of her life, and he was standing there in a rental tuxedo, thinking: “Should I tell her now? Nah. Better wait till after we cut the cake.” This kind of thing happens all the time.

So if you’re going to break up, you have to overcome your guilt and break up now. Otherwise you’ll never find the person you really want, the person with whom you can achieve your goal of Lifelong Happiness. You should follow the example of famous former ravishing beauty Elizabeth Taylor, who sheds husbands like used Kleenex and has consequently achieved Lifelong Happiness dozens of times.

Of course your major concern, in breaking up, is how to do it in such a way that the other person doesn’t get so upset that he or she stabs himself or herself. Or yourself. I recommend that you take the honest approach. Come right out with the truth. That is always best, in the end. To build up your courage, practice holding imaginary conversations with your lover, wherein you set forth, calmly and rationally, the reasons why you feel the breakup is necessary, then try to imagine, and sensitively respond to, the various objections your lover might have: