Chapter 11. How To Put New Life Into Your Marriage Or Else Get A Divorce

Time takes its toll on every marriage. The sense of romance and adventure that you feel as you take your wedding vows on that bright Saturday afternoon in June inevitably gives way to familiarity and even boredom, often as early as 8:30 that evening. Yet some couples seem to go on happily forever, a good example being Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos, former owners of the Philippines. Long ago, they discovered a secret that has worked its magic for many successful couples: thoughtfulness. Ferdinand and Imelda were always showing each other, in little ways, that they cared. For example, when Imelda would get depressed because of the hassle and strain of everyday life, plus the fact that she was bloating up like an inflatable life raft, Ferdinand would say to her: “Buttercup, you look depressed. Why not take the national treasury and purchase every luxury consumer object in France?” This thoughtful gesture never failed to perk her up.

Of course you may not be in a position to demonstrate quite that level of care, but there are things you can do to show your commitment to each other—little, thoughtful, romantic gestures that say you still think the other person is “somebody special.” For example, you can:

1. Try to remember (you guys, especially) to flush the toilet.

2. Remember your spouse’s birthday. “Hey!” you can say. “Wasn’t your birthday last month?”

3. Go dancing, or even ...

4. Go dancing with your spouse.

5. On your anniversary, give your spouse an appropriate traditional gift for whatever year it is, as shown on the accompanying chart:

Number Of Anniversary Traditional Gift

1st Ore

5th McNuggets

10th Veg-o-Matic

15th Oil change

20th “Slim” whitman album

30th TV tray or assault rifle

40th Frankincense

50th Ointment

60th Suppository

70th Indonesian Fighting Snake

6. Consider renewing your wedding vows. The best place to do this is Las Vegas, where “wedding chapels” are a major industry, along with divorce, gambling, and scorpion paperweights. My wife and I renewed our vows in Vegas a little while back, on a Friday the 13th, in the very same chapel

(everything I am telling you here is the truth) where Joan Collins got married her third or fourth time. The whole thing took less than four minutes and cost only $50, plus a tip for the minister, who was named (I swear) Dr. Eva C. Tubby.

7. Go on a Get-away Vacation Fling. just the two of you. One day, when the pressure gets to be too much, you should just say to your spouse, out of the blue: “Let’s go!” Then you should impulsively throw a few items into

a suitcase, jump into a cab, race to the airport, and hop on the next plane to Hawaii, or the Caribbean, or Europe, or wherever you want to go. Why not? You’ll be glad you did it. Once you’re up in the air, settled back in your seats, sipping champagne (Why not?), the two of you can hold hands, close your eyes, and just let your minds drift away to ... THE

CHILDREN!! MY GOD, YOU FORGOT THE CHILDREN!!! TURN THE PLANE BACK RIGHT

NOW!!!

Sometimes, however, even thoughtful and romantic gestures such as these don’t do the trick. Sometimes you find that the two of you, no matter how much you may once have cared for each other, are starting to drift apart. It’s the little things that give you away: you hardly ever talk any more; you no longer kiss each other when you come home; you live in different states; etc. Maybe it’s time to face up to the fact that you’re just not right for each other any more. Hey, it happens. People change. They get older, they get larger, and sometimes they start to smell bad. Maybe the time has come to think about—let’s come right out and say it:

Divorce

The most important thing is to get yourself a lawyer. Oh, I realize you probably think you and your spouse can work this thing out amicably without any third parties. But what if suddenly your spouse gets a lawyer, and you end up stone broke on the street wearing only a Hefty trash bag? You can’t afford to take this chance. You need a lawyer, too, so you and your spouse can both end up wearing Hefty trash bags. I recommend the ones with the patented “Cinch Sak” drawstring top.

How to Select a Lawyer

The best way to select a lawyer is to watch late-night television, which is where your top legal minds advertise. You’re looking for one who can demonstrate:

* Integrity, in the form of wearing a dark suit;

* A sound knowledge of the law, in the form of standing in front of a shelf with a lot of books on it; and

* A sincere personal interest in you, in the form of making the following speech: “Hello. I’m Leonard Packmonger, of Leonard Packmonger Legal Attorneys of the Law Associates. Does your back hurt sometimes? Do you ever use consumer products? If so, I would say that, based upon my many, many weeks of experience in handling cases just like yours, you definitely have good grounds for a major lawsuit. Come on in and let’s talk about it and sign some binding documents. just for stopping by, we’ll give you a free, no-obligation neck brace.”

Grounds for Divorce

At one time it was difficult to get out of a marriage unless there was some kind of very serious problem with it, such as that one or more of the people involved had become deceased.

Today, fortunately, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly. The only requirement is that you have a legal reason, which is technically known as “grounds.” If you have no grounds of your own, you can probably get some from your lawyer, who will have an ample supply left over from previous cases; or you can select some from this convenient list of grounds, all of which are 100 percent legally valid in every state in the union. Or at least they should be.

* Wearing shorts and black knee socks at the same time.

* Calling you “Sweetie Beancakes” in front of strangers.

* Forgetting to buy beer.

* Repeatedly putting the ice cube tray back in the refrigerator with two or fewer ice cubes in it.

* Bringing the car home with just enough gas in it so that, if you shut the engine off and coast on the downhill slopes, you can get as far as the end of the driveway.

* Any cigar-related activity.

* Standing next to you with a sour facial expression at a party while you tell

a really terrific joke and then loudly announcing the punchline three-tenths of a second before you get to it and then saying: “Isn’t that AWFUL?” (NOTE: In some states this is grounds not only for divorce, but also for murder.)

* Golf.

* One day, with no warning, bringing home:

1. a cat, or

2. an Amway representative.

* Leaving his or her toenails in a prominent location as though they were decorative art objects.

* Using the word “frankly” a lot and not meaning it as a joke.

* Operating a loud household appliance during the Super Bowl.

* Secretly liking Geraldo Rivera.