The bomb came in the last diary; Elspeth had tucked an envelope inside the cover. The envelope was labelled “Big, dark, horrible secrets.” It had a skull and crossbones inexpertly drawn under this inscription. The skull was smiling. Oh, Elspeth. I don’t want to know. Robert held the envelope and considered burning it. Then he slit it open.
Dear Robert,
I hope you won’t be too annoyed. You said you hoped you wouldn’t find any lurid secrets among my papers-I’m afraid there are a few. ‘Lurid’ isn’t quite the right word-‘awkward’ might be better. Anyway, darling, they are old surprises-this all happened long before I met you.
My name is Edwina Noblin.
I switched identities with my twin, Elspeth, in 1983. It was mostly her doing, but I couldn’t undo it without making her very unhappy. And I certainly was not blameless.
As you know, Elspeth was engaged to Jack Poole. During the time between their engagement and the wedding, Jack became more and more flirtatious towards me. Elspeth decided to put him to the test.
I’ve told you lots of stories about Elspeth and me impersonating each other. But you never saw us together-we were so alike, such a perfect pair. And we knew each other so intimately. When we were young we hardly differentiated between ourselves; if Elspeth got hurt, I would cry.
Elspeth began to be me when Jack was around. He couldn’t tell the difference, and he fell in love with “Edie.” He broke off his engagement with Elspeth and asked “Edie” to elope with him, to go back to America with him in Elspeth’s place.
What could she do? She was hurt, she was furious. But the situation was of her own making. She came to me. We decided that she would be Edie and I would be Elspeth, and life would go on.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t that simple. I had slept with Jack (only that once-we were drunk, at a party-it was just a stupid mistake, my love, just carelessness and alcohol) and I was pregnant. So in the end I was the one who went to America. I lived with Jack for almost a year, though it was Elspeth he had married. I had the twins, worked out like a maniac to lose the baby weight, cooked and kept house and almost went mad with boredom and rage and a sense ofhaving been trapped in a farce. When the twins were four months old, I brought them to London “to see their grandmother.” It was Elspeth (now Edie) who returned to Lake Forest a few months later with the twins. I haven’t seen them since. I dream about them often. According to Elspeth, they are very much like us.
By the time I returned to London I disliked Jack intensely, and I was disgusted with Elspeth for insisting that we go through with the pregnancy (I wanted to have an abortion). The whole situation was mad. It was the sort of thing you get yourself into when you’re young and stupid. I don’t know what would have happened if Jack had ever found out about it. How he managed to overlook all the little differences between my body and Elspeth’s I have never been able to fathom. Perhaps he knew and never said anything? We decided not to chance letting Jack see us together again. I still can’t believe we got away with it.
Elspeth occasionally sent me letters, and photographs of the twins. I never wrote back until last year, as I told you. I think her life with Jack has been disappointing. Her letters are full of longing for London, old friends, me. Before she married I urged her to chuck him, or to tell him everything. It’s been hard for her. If you meet her, perhaps you’ll know what I mean.
So that’s how I became Elspeth. I don’t think it altered the course of my life too much. I regret that I never got to know the twins. It was very hard to let her take them. I’ll never forget standing at Heathrow, watching her disappear with them through the gate. I cried for days. And I would have liked to have seen Elspeth one more time. It was just fear, and pride, that kept us apart at the end.
Robert, this was my only secret from you. I hope you won’t think too badly of me. I hope when you meet the twins you’ll find a bit of me in them, and that it will make you remember happy times.
Your loving Elspeth (Edie)
P.S. I really would have left you everything if you’d wanted it. But I knew you wouldn’t. I love you. e
The letter had been written a week before her death. Robert sat on the bed, holding it, trying to grasp what it meant. Everything was a lie, then? No, surely not. But he had not even known her name. Who was it that I loved?
He put everything back in the boxes and brought it all to the tiny servant’s bedroom at the back of the flat; then he shut the door and tried to put the letter out of his mind, but it intruded on him constantly, no matter what he was doing. Over the next few days Robert took to drinking more often, and stayed in his flat alone.
Anticipations
VALENTINA AND ELSPETH spent long hours conferring over the details of their plan. Everything had to be natural, casual. Elspeth worked out a way for Valentina to take some money from the account she shared with Julia; it would be enough for a year or two, if Valentina was frugal, and the money would not be missed until after the funeral. Valentina found a few anatomy books in the flat and spread them on the floor of the guest room for Elspeth. It was almost a game for them, to anticipate all the potential difficulties, to circumvent Robert’s objections, to avoid alarming Julia. What if…? one of them would begin, and they would converge on the problem like detectives until they had cracked it. They had private jokes, a secret language. It was all immensely satisfying, or would have been, if they had been planning a picnic, or a surprise party, anything other than Valentina’s death. Elspeth was amazed at Valentina’s relish for the details of the plan, and her ability to inflict grief thoughtlessly. But I’m no better. I’m helping her to do it. She wouldn’t do it if she knew…And what if it doesn’t work? What if it does? Elspeth watched Valentina and debated with herself. She thought, We mustn’t; it’s terribly wrong. But each night Robert would come and take Valentina away for dinner, for a walk. They always came back late, and whispered together in the hallway. Elspeth hardened her heart.
Resurrection Day
ROBERT DREAMT that it was Resurrection Day at Highgate Cemetery.
He stood at the top of the steps next to the grave of James Selby, the coachman. Selby sat on his grave, oblivious to the heavy chain running through his chest from grave post to grave post. He was smoking a pipe and tapping one booted foot nervously against the ground.
Trumpets brayed in the distance. Robert turned and saw that the path into the cemetery was covered with a long canopy of red fabric, and the dirt and gravel and mud of the path itself were draped in white silk. It was winter again, and the silk was almost the same white as the snow that lay over the graves. He saw through the trees that all the paths were swathed in red and white. Robert found himself walking. He looked down anxiously, afraid that his muddy boots would stain the silk, but he wasn’t leaving any tracks.
He came to Comfort’s Corners and found tables set out for a banquet. There was no food, only places laid with china and cutlery, empty wine glasses and empty chairs. The trumpets stopped, and Robert heard trees rattling in the wind. There were voices, but he couldn’t gauge where they were.