We ain't back in Washington but a while when all hell breaks loose.

But meantime, I tried to get my affairs straight. First, I gone on up to Walter Reed Hospital, and, sure enough, just like Colonel North said, there is ole Lieutenant Dan, lyin up in a hospital bed. And he was lookin one hell of a lot better than when I seen him last.

"Where've you been, you big asshole?" Dan ast.

"I have been on a top secret mission," I says.

"Yeah? Where to?"

"To Iran."

"What for?"

"To see the Ayatolja."

"What'd you go to see that sombitch for?"

"We was there to make a deal for arms for hostages."

"That so?"

"Yup."

"What kind of arms?"

"Bunch of ole rusty missiles."

"What kind of hostages?"

"Them over in Lebanon."

"Deal go through?"

"Sort of."

"What you mean, sort of?"

"Well, we give the Ayatolja his missiles."

"You get back the hostages?"

"Not yet."

"Yeah, an you never will, you dumb cluck! Not only have you just revealed to me, a civilian, all this top secret bullshit—which is a firin-squad offense—but it sounds like you have been had again! Forrest, you are a shit-for-brains for sure."

Well, after exchangin our pleasantries, I took ole Dan in his wheelchair down to the cafeteria to get some ice cream. Since they don't serve oysters on the half shell at the hospital, ice cream has become Dan's favorite food. He says that aside from raw oysters, ice cream is sort of easy on his teeth. Anyhow, it kind of made me remember when I was a little kid settin out on Mama's back porch, churnin away on Saturday afternoons, makin our own ice cream, an Mama would always let me lick the paddles when the ice cream was good an soft an cold.

"What you reckon is gonna happen to us, Dan?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?"

"I dunno. It just sort of come to me."

"Hell it did—You been thinking again—which is not exactly your specialty."

"Yeah, sort of, I guess. I mean, seems like everthin I touch turns to shit. I can't keep no job more than a while, an even when it's goin okay, I screw up. An I am always missin my mama an Jenny an Bubba an everbody. An now there is little Forrest to look after. Listen, I know I am not the smartest feller around, but people half the time be treatin me like some kinda freak. Seems like the only way I'm gettin anyplace is when I dream at night. I mean, when's this shit gonna stop?"

"Probly it won't," Dan says. "That's just the way it is sometimes. Folks like us, we is just screw-ups, an there's no getting around it. Me, I ain't worried what's gonna happen, cause I know. I ain't long for this earth, myself, an far as I'm concerned, good riddance."

"Don't say that kind of stuff, Dan. You're about the only friend I got left."

"I'll say the truth if I want to. I probly done a lot of wrong shit in my life, but one thing you can't say is that I don't tell the truth."

"Yeah, but that's not how it is. Nobody can know how long they gonna live."

"Forrest," he say, "you got the mind of a mole."

Anyway, this will sort of give you an idea of Dan's frame of mind. Me, I was feelin pretty low mysef. I had begun to realize that Colonel North an me has been bamboozled by the Ayatolja, who has now got his missiles, an we ain't seen no hostages returned. Colonel North done been busy arrangin for the money we got for the missiles to be sent down to Central America to the gorillas, an he is not feelin nearly as bad about things as me.

"Gump," he says one mornin, "I gotta go up to Congress in a day or so to testify to some committee about my activities. Now, they may call you, too, or they may not, but in any case, you don't know nothin about any deals for arms for hostages, do you?"

"I know somethin about the arms, but I ain't seen no hostages yet."

"That's not what I meant, you big ox! Don't you realize what we have done is illegal! We could all go to jail! So you better keep your big mouth shut and do what I tell you, you hear?"

"Yes, sir," I says.

Anyhow, I had other shit to worry about, namely, that Colonel North had got me billeted at the marine barracks, an it was not goin too pleasant there. Marines is different from army folks. They is always goin aroun hollerin at everbody an chewin ass an makin you keep everthin clean as a whistle. The one thing it seemed they liked least was havin an army private in their barracks, an frankly, they made my life so miserable that I finally moved out. I didn't have nowhere to go, so I gone on back to Lafayette Park to see if I could find my crate. Turned out, somebody was usin it, so I went an found me another one. An after I got things fixed up, I got the bus out to the National Zoo to see if I could find ole Wanda.

Sure enough, she was there, right next to the seals an the tiger.

They had her in a little cage with some straw an shavins on the floor, an she was lookin pretty unhappy. Sign on the cage says Swinus Americanus.

When she seen me, she recognized me immediately, an I reached out over the fence an give her a pat on the snout. She give out a big ole grunt, an I felt so sorry for her I didn't know what to do. If I could of, I'd of busted in that cage an turned her loose. Anyhow, I went on up to the concession stand an bought some popcorn an a Twinkie, an took it back to Wanda's cage. I almost bought her a hotdog, but thought better of it. I gave her the Twinkie an was feedin her the popcorn, when a voice behin me says:

"An just what do you think you're doin?"

I turn aroun an it is a big ole zoo guard standin there.

"I am givin Wanda some food."

"Oh, yeah? Well, don't you see that sign right there, says Do Not Feed the Animals?"

"I bet it wadn't the animals put that sign there," I says.

"Oh, a smartass, huh?" he say, an grapped me by the collar. "Let's see how funny you are in the lockup."

Well, frankly, I have had enough of this shit. I mean, I am feelin so low I almost got to look up to look down, an everthin is goin wrong, an all I done was try to feed little Forrest's pig, an this bozo is givin me a hard time, an well, that was it!

I grapped him back an lifted him up in the air. Then I spun him aroun a few times, like I remember from my rasslin days with The Professor and The Turd, an then I let him loose. He sailed in the air over a fence, kinda like a Frisbee, an landed right in the middle of the seal pool with a big splash. All the seals done jumped in the water an come rushin up to him an whoppin him with they flippers, an he is hollerin an shoutin an shakin his fist. I walked on out of the zoo an caught the bus back downtown. Sometimes a man has got to do what he has got to do.

Sombitch is lucky I didn't thow his ass in the tiger pit.