Misaki was smiling a fake smile that would have made anyone seeing it nervous. It was an uncertain, manufactured smile that touched only her lips, unnaturally pulling them upward.

She began, “The initial premise is that there’s no way anyone could end up liking someone like me.”

“You really think that?”

“It’s been like that since I was born. It was so bad that my mother and father hated me, and it was even worse with other people.”

I didn’t have any response.

“My uncle and aunt took me in, but I just create problems for them, too. Their relationship is getting worse, and they say they want to divorce soon. It’s all my fault, and I’m really sorry about it.”

“You’re just thinking about it too much.”

“No, I’m not”, she said. “I probably was born useless, and normal people won’t have anything to do with me. Eventually, everyone starts hating me and, because of me, everyone starts feeling bad. I have actual evidence that what I’m saying is true.”

Misaki rolled up her sleeves. Holding out her arms, she made me look at them. Many, many sad scars from old burns marred her white skin.

“It was my second father. I don’t even remember his face. He drank continuously. While he drank, his mood would improve—but even when he was in a good mood, he always was getting angry at me, burning me with cigarettes.” She said all this, her bright smile unwavering.

“I was even scared of school and couldn’t go. Of course, I was scared… There was no way I could fit in with everyone else. I was terrified. Because if they were normal people, they were absolutely sure to start hating someone like me.”

“What about the people at your church?”

“Those are good people. Everyone there is pretty normal, and they’re forking their hardest. So, of course, they won’t have anything to do with me.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Finally, I was able to find someone more worthless than I was: A really worthless person. A totally worthless person—the kind you can’t find just anywhere. Someone who can’t look people in the eye when speaking, who is unbearably afraid of others. Someone who lives among the dregs of society, a person whom even I could look down on.”

“Who was it?”

“Satou.” Her words were exactly what I expected.

Then, Misaki pulled a sheet of scrap paper from her bag and handed it to me. It was the second contract.

I felt unsure what I should do. The sun was nearly beneath the horizon, and the number of people walking around the park had shrunk considerably.

Misaki handed me a marker and a vermilion ink pad[34], saying, “A thumb print will be fine.

“After all, someone like you, Satou, might start liking me, right?” she asked. “I mean, you’re even more worthless than I am, after all. As I’ve been carrying out this plan for such a long time, you should be my prisoner by now, right? Please, be nice to me, and I’ll be nice to you, too.”

“No. This won’t work.”

“Why?”

“It’s no use. Nothing’s changed. This agreement just makes everything more painful. On top of that, it’s too empty.” I got up and returned the marker and ink.

I tried to be enthusiastic. “You’ll be fine, Misaki! This is just a momentary lapse of confidence. Have a rubdown with a dry towel, and train your mind and body! If you do that, these stupid thoughts will disappear. A cute girl like you will be able to have a great life! Don’t look down! Look up, and you’ll be okay!”

Then, I ran away.

The contents of the contract had seared themselves into my brain.

“Hey! Aren’t you lonely?” Misaki called out.

Turning around, I answered in a loud voice, “No, I’m not lonely.”

“Well, I’m lonely!”

“I’m not.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying”, I said. “I’m the strongest hikikomori in the world, so I can go on living by myself. Pain doesn’t mean anything to me. Misaki, you, should stop relying on other people, too. In the end, everyone is alone. Being alone is best. I mean, it’s true, isn’t it? In the end, you’ll be absolutely alone; therefore, being alone is natural. If you accept that, nothing bad can happen. That’s why I shut myself away in my six-mat, one-room apartment.”

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Liar.” Someone spoke in a low, muffled voice.

I turned around to look behind me.

I found myself standing in the middle of my six-mat, one-room apartment. In the corner, I sat hugging my legs to my chest, melting into the deep darkness.

It was night, and I couldn’t see, hear, or do anything. Despite the fact that it was summer, this six-mat, one-room apartment, devoid of furniture or anything else, was cold. A dark and terrible chill filled the isolated space. I held my head and trembled.

I said, “I’m lonely.”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying.”

“I’m so lonely.”

“I am lonely!”

The quivering, shaking, shivering me was clack-clack-clacking his teeth. The me standing in the middle of the room watched this. I thought I’d gone crazy. But I wasn’t crazy.

There were only two things that I understood: I was alone, and I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t want to be in this state. I didn’t want to be lonely.

“Anyway”, I screamed, “that’s why!”

I kept shouting, “Being lonely is natural! Of course, I hate being lonely! That’s exactly why I shut myself off from the world, why I lock myself away. Thinking about it for the long term, this is the best solution. You understand, right? Hey! You understand me, right?”

There was no answer.

“Don’t you understand? Listen carefully to what I’m saying. If you do, you’ll get it. You can grasp this easily. In short… in short, I shut myself in because I’m lonely. Because I don’t want to face any more loneliness, I shut myself away. Hey, do you understand? That’s the answer!”

There was no reply.

“I’m greedier than anyone. I don’t want some half-assed happiness. I don’t need some partial warmth. I want a happiness that goes on forever. That’s impossible, though! I don’t know why it is, but in this world, some interference is sure to come. Important things break right away. I’ve been alive for twenty-two years, and I know at least this much. It doesn’t matter what the thing is, but it will break. That’s why, from the beginning, it’s better not to need anything.”

That’s right! You should learn this truth, too, Misaki. If you do, you won’t come up with more ridiculous plans. You’ll stop looking to people like me for help.

She was terribly stupid. She was clinging to a horrifyingly enormous despair. I was appalled by the loneliness that caused her to seek help from a piece of human trash like me. I cursed the misfortune that had fallen upon her. I cursed the unreasonable fact that children couldn’t choose their parents. I wanted a cheerful girl like her to live a strong, healthy life.

Please, do your best, somewhere. I’m all right. I’ll be fine on my own. It’s best for me to be alone. I’ll live alone and die alone.