She was the kind of girl who said these unreasonable things.

After we chatted for about an hour longer, I decided it was about time to leave. When I went to pay, the man behind the register said, “Don’t worry about it. Please, be kind to her.”

I felt that this was a strange thing to say to a guy getting to know a girl Misaki’s age, but the man’s weary expression was strangely compelling. I bowed my head slightly and hurried for home.

Back at my apartment, I was incredibly surprised.

In the middle of my room, a life-sized, mannequin-like doll had been set up. Wobbling with each step, Yamazaki circled the doll.

“Welcome back, Satou! This is our object of worship.”

I was speechless.

“The other day, I heard that a school acquaintance’s older brother had a Ruriruri[26] life-sized figure he bought a long time ago that he didn’t know what to do with. Right away, I did everything I could to get it! Please, Satou, you worship her, too—this pale, young, little, adorable Ruriruri!”

The doll seemed to be some anime character. Yamazaki was prostrating himself before a life-sized doll that was modeled after a girl in the upper years of elementary school.

Looking around, I saw that the metal tin where we kept our drugs was empty. Yamazaki had finished all the rest.

“Yes, I believe I did use the drugs! I experienced the greatest trip of this century. Yes! This time, I had a real epiphany. Indeed, Satou, I’ve seen the very structure of this world.” After rubbing his forehead at the feet of the doll, Yamazaki suddenly stood up and faced me.

“I just kept thinking and thinking, ‘what are we missing?’ There’s something missing from us. There’s a big hole in our chests, so I wanted something to fill that hole. I wanted something to make me content. That’s it. Yesterday, our religious observation reinforced my meditation on the subject. Everyone is uncertain. In this incomprehensible world, we want to be ordered around by someone else, and that’s why we made God. The dual antagonism between God and Satan explains the world more easily. You see? That strong, simple story! I honestly was affected!

“Unfortunately, that God isn’t suited for us because that God is incredibly frightening. As you can see from the illustrations in ‘Awaken!’—he is incredibly realistic and not at all cute.” Yamazaki picked up the pamphlet lying in the corner of the room and held it out to me.

“Please, look at the special feature for June, ‘Guardian Angels: They Are Always Protecting You.’ In their religion, angels look like this.” Yamazaki had opened to a page featuring a realistic illustration of a muscular man with wings on his back.

Yamazaki ripped the pamphlet into pieces. “I don’t need an angel like this!” he screamed. “What is he, some kind of bodybuilder? When you say ‘angel’, I think of something more, you know, beautiful and moe moe and loli loli…”

Many, many memories of erotic games where an angelic girl appeared as the heroine flashed through my mind.

“That’s right! Don’t you see, Satou? Now is the exact time for religious reform!”

I was still speechless.

“Our object of worship is this Ruriruri doll! And I am the founder of the sect!”

I gently tapped Yamazaki on the shoulder.

Shaking off my hand, Yamazaki continued ranting. “Those who believe will be saved! We must make something we ourselves can believe in order to bring meaning to our lives! And the meaning will be how we live on with our incredible new religion!”

Stalking around and around the room, he raised his fists, howling. He was screaming about anything that came to mind.

Eventually, Yamazaki ended up clinging pathetically to the life-sized doll. “I can’t keep living like this”, he whispered. His eyes were open wide.

I made him some hot coffee. Yamazaki drank his coffee, tears in his eyes.

I, too, felt like crying.

“By the way, Yamazaki, what are you going to do with this doll?”

“I’m giving it to you, Satou. Do whatever you want with it.”

Chapter 09. Days of the End

Part One

To a hikikomori, winter is painful because everything feels cold, frozen over, and lonely. To a hikikomori, spring is also painful because everyone is in a good mood and therefore enviable.

Summer, of course, is especially painful.

It was a summer loud with the sound of cicadas. From morning to night, they kept whining and whining. The summer was also cripplingly hot. Even if the air conditioner ran constantly, it remained hot. I didn’t know if my air conditioner was wearing out or if this summer was just especially hot. Either way, I was thoroughly boiled.

Sometimes, I wanted to yell, “Whoever is responsible, show yourself!” I didn’t even have the energy to do it, though. The summer heat had worn me down completely. My appetite was depressed, and my nerves were exhausted. No matter how much Lipovitan D[27] I swigged, my weariness was impossible to dispel.

Only my next door neighbor was energetic. He unabashedly made noise. From early morning until the middle of the night, anime songs rang out at loud volumes. He said that recently, he needed only four hours of sleep a day. He was working hard on his creative projects, with the help of anime songs. Bloodshot eyes flashing, he vigorously applied himself to these meaningless activities.

One day, Yamazaki said, “I’ve finally gotten through a big part of my game.”

“Oh, really?”

“Tomorrow, I’m going to start making a bomb.”

“What?”

Without answering, Yamazaki silently gnawed on some white bread. It was a pretty half-assed breakfast. As I wasn’t as lazy as he was, I properly toasted my bread and quickly fried an egg.

“Like I told you before, don’t take food out of other people’s fridges without permission.”

I pretended not to know what he was talking about.

Misaki was wearing long sleeves even though it was summer. She was in a good mood, though.

“This is so fun, so fun, so fun”, she said. She really did seem to be having fun. She was swinging happily on the swing set.

Of course, tonight felt tropical. It was so hot that I sweated even without so much as speaking.

Misaki, however, seemed cool enough. Hair streaming behind her as she energetically swung back and forth, she said, “By the way, Satou, do you want to eat the leftover cat food?”

At some point, the park’s black cat had gone missing. It had been quite a while since he had shown himself. Either he had been hit by a car and gone to heaven, or he’d taken off on a journey somewhere.

At any rate, I turned her down. “I don’t need it”.

“I stocked up on that cat food. Ah, what a waste.”

Jumping down off the swing, Misaki stepped into the cozy sandbox next to the jungle gym. Picking up a green shovel that one of the neighborhood kids had left behind, she started making something in the sandbox.

I asked, “What is that?”

“A mountain.”

She was right. It certainly was a mountain. Set in the middle of the sandbox, it was a sharply peaked mountain. It angled steeply, like Mount Fuji drawn by Hokusai[28], thus looking as though the slightest vibration would make it crumble. But the sand mountain soon was perfectly complete. It was wonderful work, using sand wet with the evening dew.

Clapping her hands to brush off the sand, Misaki circled the mountain once. She looked expectantly at me.

I said, “It’s a nice mountain.”

A little smile on her face, Misaki shouted, “Yaaah!” and aimed a forward kick at the mountain. “Things with shape will one day fall apart.”