Chapter Eighteen

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE RAIN ON THE PREVIOUS AFTERNOON, Ben Kerne would likely not have seen his father when he went to Pengelly Cove. But because of the rain, he’d insisted upon driving his mother back to Eco-House from the Curlew Inn at the end of her workday. She’d had her large three-wheeler with her, upon which she daily pedaled to and from work without too much difficulty despite her stroke in earlier years, but he’d insisted. The tricycle would fit into the back of the Austin, he told her. He wouldn’t have her on the narrow lanes in bad weather. She shouldn’t be on them in good weather either, if it came down to it. She wasn’t of an age-let alone in the physical condition-where she should be out on a tricycle anyway. To her carefully enunciated, poststroke words, “Got three wheels, Ben,” he said it didn’t matter. He said his father should have the common sense to purchase a vehicle now that he and his wife were old.

Even as he said this, he wondered at the evolution of parent-child relationships in which the parent ultimately becomes the child. And he wondered without wanting to wonder if his own fragile connection with Santo would have mutated in a similar fashion. He doubted it. Santo seemed at the moment as he would be forever: frozen in an eternal youth with no chance to move on to things more important than the concerns of randy adolescence.

It was the thought of randy adolescence that plagued him throughout the long night that followed his visit to Eco-House. Yet when he drove down the deeply rutted lane towards the old farmhouse, that was the last subject upon which he would have thought his mind would lock. Instead, he followed the rises, falls, and curves of that unpaved lane, and he marveled that the passage of years had done nothing to release him from the fear he’d always harboured towards his father. Apart from Eddie Kerne, he did not have to consider fear. Nearing him, it was as if he’d never left Pengelly Cove.

His mother had sensed this. She’d said in that altered voice she had-God, did she actually sound Portuguese? he’d wondered-that he’d find his father very much changed in the years he’d been gone. To which he’d replied, “He didn’t sound any different on the phone, Mum.”

Physically, she’d said. Now there was a frailty about him. He tried to hide it but he was feeling his age. She didn’t add that he was feeling his failure as well. Eco-House had been the dream of his life: living off the land, in harmony with the elements. Indeed, he’d planned to master those elements so that they worked for him. It had been an admirable attempt at living green, but he’d bitten off too much and he hadn’t possessed the jaws to chew it all.

If Eddie Kerne heard the Austin drive up to Eco-House, he didn’t emerge. Nor did he emerge as Ben wrestled his mother’s tricycle from the back of the car. When they approached the wreck of the old front door, however, Eddie was waiting for them. He swung it open before they reached it, as if he’d been watching from one of the filthy and ill-hung windows.

Despite his mother’s warning, Ben felt the shock when he saw his father. Old, he thought, and looking older than he actually was. Eddie Kerne wore old man’s spectacles-with thick, black frames and thick, smeared lenses-and behind them his eyes had lost much of their colour. One of them was clouded by a cataract, which Ben knew he’d never have removed. The rest of him was old as well: from his badly matched and badly patched clothing, to the places on his face that his razor had missed, to the corkscrew of hairs springing out of his ears and his nose. His gait was slow, and his shoulders were round. He was the personification of End of Days.

Ben felt a sudden rush of dizziness when he saw him. He said, “Dad.”

Eddie Kerne looked him over, one of those abrupt head-to-toe movements that-to an offspring of the adult performing them-tend to signify assessment and judgement simultaneously. He stepped away from the door without comment. He disappeared into the bowels of the house.

Under other circumstances Ben would have departed then. But his mother murmured, “Shush, shush,” from which he took comfort, no matter where she was directing the sound. It came straight from his childhood, and he embraced its meaning. Mummy’s here, darling. No need to cry. He felt her hand on the small of his back, urging him forward.

Eddie was waiting for them in the kitchen, which seemed to be the only remaining usable room in the downstairs of the house. It was well lit and warm, while the rest of the place was shrouded in shadows, packed with bits and bobs and clobber, smelling of mildew, filled with the skittering of rodents in the walls.

He’d put on the kettle. Ann Kerne nodded towards this meaningfully, as if it gave evidence of something within Eddie that had altered along with his physical decay. He shuffled to the cupboard and brought out three mugs, along with a jar of coffee crystals and a raggedy box of sugar cubes. When he had this on the chipped yellow table along with a plastic jug of milk, a loaf of bread, and an unwrapped cube of margarine, he said to Ben, “Scotland Yard. Not the locals, mind you, but Scotland Yard. Not like you thought, eh? It’s bigger’n the locals. Didn’t ’spect that, did you? Question is, did she?”

Ben knew who she was. She was who she had always been.

Eddie went on. “Other question is, who phoned ’em. Who wants Scotland Yard on the case and why’d they come running like a fire’s lit under ’em?”

“I don’t know,” Ben said.

“Wager you don’t. If it’s bigger ’n the locals, it’s bad. If it’s bad, it’s her. Things is home to roost now, Benesek. Knew this would happen, didn’t I?”

“Dellen’s nothing to do with this, Dad.”

“Don’t say her name round me. It’s a curse, it is.”

His wife said, “Eddie…,” in a conciliatory tone, and she put her hand on Ben’s arm as if afraid he would bolt.

But the sight of his father had abruptly changed things for Ben. So old, he thought. So terribly old. Broken as well. He wondered how he had failed to understand till now that life had long ago defeated his father. He’d beaten his fists against it-had Eddie Kerne-and refused to submit to its demands. These demands were for compromise and change: to take life on life’s terms, which required the ability to switch courses when necessary, to modify behaviours, and to alter dreams so that they could meet the realities that they came up against. But he’d never been able to do any of that, so he’d been crushed, and life had rolled over his shattered body.

The kettle clicked off as the water came to a boil. When Eddie turned to fetch it to the table, Ben went to him. He heard his mother murmur shush and shush another time. But he found that comfort unnecessary now. He approached his father, one man to another. He said, “I wish things could have been different for all of us. I love you, Dad.”

Eddie’s shoulders bowed further. “Why couldn’t you shake her off?” His voice sounded as broken as his spirit.

“I don’t know,” Ben said. “I just couldn’t. But that’s down to me, not to Dellen. She can’t bear the blame for my weakness.”

“You wouldn’t see-”

“You’re right.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Still?”

“Yes. That’s my personal hell. Do you understand? In all these years, never once did you have to make it yours.”

Eddie’s shoulders shook. He tried and failed to lift the kettle. Ben lifted it for him and carried it to the table where he poured the water into their mugs. He didn’t want the coffee; it would keep him awake that night when all he wanted was indefinite sleep. But he would drink it if that was what was required of him, if that was the communion his father wanted.