“Especially with my big teeth.” He looked at the label. “Right size.” He held it up to his chest. “What do you think?”

“It says you.”

“Then I think it is in serious trouble.” His smile dimmed, and he put the shirt back in the bag. “I would like to wear it tonight for you. Is that a possibility?”

“Maybe.”

“How much on a scale from one to ten?”

I couldn’t bring myself to smile. “I’m sorry I came down on you. I don’t like when other people do my job better than I do.”

“I don’t do your job.”

“I wouldn’t have caught him if you hadn’t been there.”

“I was a competitive runner. No doubt I could outrun anyone in your department.”

“But it wasn’tanyone.It wasme.And the guy was my responsibility. Koby, what if he had taken out a gun?”

“Then I would have perfect backup.”

“C’mon! I’m trying to make a point.”

He grew glum. “I hear you.”

“I’m… I don’t know. Sorry, all right?”

“It was more than just my speed,” he spoke softly. “You were already mad at me.”

I didn’t confirm or deny it. Again silence came between us. I said, “I saw the look on your face when I took that guy down. I’m sure I conformed to your image of the heavy-handed LAPD cop.”

“I flinched,” he admitted. “But I know there are two sides.”

I nodded.

“What did he do?”

“Technically, I arrested him because he has an outstanding warrant for unpaid traffic violations. But I wanted him in connection with a gang rape of a retarded woman.”

Koby screwed up his face in horror. I thought what my father must have thought dozens of times. Why did I tell him?

He said, “Did arresting him help you out?”

Eventually. After I fielded about a thousand questions.“Yes, it helped quite a bit.”

“I’m glad.” He tucked the clippers inside his pants pocket and looked at his watch. “How about if I make coffee? You relax here while I shower and get dressed. Then maybe we take a ride to the beach and watch the sunset. Then we have dinner.”

It sounded not only wonderful, but like instant therapy. But I was still tense. “Koby, why didn’t you call me? I was freaked out after the accident. I know you were busy with life-and-death issues, but a kind word or two on my message machine would have gone a long way. It wouldn’t have taken more than… two minutes.”

He looked away. “I should have.”

“So why didn’t you?”

He regarded a rosebush and took out the clippers. Again he spoke without looking at me. “I have these moods, Cynthia.” He snipped off a dead head. “I was hoping that maybe they wouldn’t surface until we were farther along… so you could see the good side of me.”

I was puzzled. “What do you mean ‘moods’?”

“Moods.”

“Koby, everyone has moods.”

“Mine are very dark.”

“Like depression?”

He faced me. “An angry depression, I think. I am not nice to be around. I have found the best way to deal with it is to throw myself into work. So I work until I cannot work… until I am in a state of exhaustion. Then I sleep-one day, two days. And then… it passes. And it always does pass. Because the world is a good place.”

“Have you ever gotten help for it?”

“From a therapist?”

“Yeah, from a therapist. I see a therapist. It helps.”

“Why should I bother? It passes.”

“You should bother so you know what triggers it.”

“I already do know. This time, it was the accident. The little girl loses a leg but she lives. The baby died, Cindy, massive head injuries. That was it.”

“Koby, you work with dying babies all the time.”

“Yes, but those babies are sick. With those babies, one shoe has already dropped. There is expectation. So you are prepared. When it is a healthy baby… andallthe mother had to do was put her in a car seat… it makes me… It was the suddenness! One moment, I am elated with you… such a wonderful evening. Then…boom!” He punched one fist into another, the smack so loud it made me jump. “It’s like inZahal… doingshomrah-watch. One moment, you sit around smoking and talking about women with yourchevrah.Then abruptly, your friend is dead from a sniper’s bullet. Or when you’re a child and you walk out of yourtukul-your hut-and the women are weeping. But that is nothing new because death is all around. Until someone tells you that your mother has just died. It’s the unexpected death. It’s not like the hospital. In the hospital, the defenses are up. Am I making myself understandable?”

I exhaled. “You’ve had lots of trauma in your life.”

“I told you we all have baggage.”

“But some baggage is heavier than others.”

He nodded somberly. “Indeed. I don’t blame you for walking.”

“Did I say I wanted to walk?”

We were silent.

“That man Oliver…,” Koby said. “Do you still like him?”

I let out a small laugh. “That, my friend, is soover.”

“Not to him.”

“Isthatwhat it was all about?Oliver?”

He shrugged. “Perhaps a small part.”

“Small part, huh?”

“Very small.”

“Teeny,teeny,tiny.” I nodded. “Okay.”

“Cindy, under normal circumstances, it is nothing. In combination with everything that happened, I just wonder, that’s all.”

I waited until I caught his eye. “You know, I never said anything about your friend Marnie. You shouldn’t have brought up Oliver.”

His gaze shifted, falling somewhere over my shoulder. He was silent.

I said, “I see you’re pleading the Fifth. So as long as you opened the door, let me say this. Relationships with people you work with are big mistakes. One that I never intend to repeat.”

“We’re in agreement.”

“So how about this:Idon’t ask… andyoudon’t ask.” I gave him a knowing look. “Besides, I have a feeling the score isn’t evenclose.”He actually blushed. I said, “Koby, there isno oneelse in my life at the moment. Put that baby to bed, all right?”

“I’m a fool.” He snipped another dead head. “Forgive me.”

I took the clippers away from him. “You’re not a fool, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s yesterday’s news. But in the future, you’ve got to let me know you’re interested.”

“Believe me, that is not a problem.”

“So if you’re having a black mood, just say I can’t talk, I’m having a black mood. That way, I’ll know it isn’t me. I come from a divorced home. Trauma is not foreign to me, either. I like order, same as you.”

“I can do that.”

I gave him back his clippers. “And maybe you want to consider talking to someone.”

“I’m talking to you.”

“I’m not a therapist.”

“No, but your hourly rates are very reasonable.” He took in my face, then ran a finger slowly across my cheek. “God gives me a chance at Heaven and I throw it away. I must be psychotic.”

I let out a small laugh. “I think you’re overstating the case.”

“You aresogorgeous, Cynthia. It is a thrill just to look at you.”

“And a cheap thrill at that.”

“Now who’s making nervous jokes?”

I didn’t answer.

“You are pure heat… Everything about you is fire.” His focus was penetrating. “There is this place in Malibu Canyon… next to a creek. All around are beautiful mountains and open sky. Lots of vegetarian dishes. The food is very good and the atmosphere is intimate.”

I knew the place. It was beautiful and very romantic.

“Shall I shower and put on the shirt?”

His eyes were already in sexual fantasy. But I had things on my mind. “This is the deal, Yaakov Kutiel. You told me your baggage. So now you’ve got to hear mine.”

“I’d be honored.”

So I told him. I talked, and talked, and talked, and talked.

We never got to the mountains. He didn’t even have a chance to wear the shirt. We never made it out of bed.