“Holman!”

Horns blew as Holman trotted across traffic.

“Holman! Would you come back here? What are you doing?”

He didn’t look at her. He kept walking.

“Get back in the car!”

He walked south on Gower toward Hollywood. The cars behind her leaned on their horns and Pollard finally crept forward. She watched Holman walking, wondering what he so badly wanted to do. He no longer moved like a zombie or seemed depressed. Pollard thought he looked furious. She had seen his expression on men before, and it frightened her. Holman looked like he wanted to kill someone.

Pollard didn’t turn onto the freeway. She let the traffic flow around her, then eased to the curb, letting Holman walk, but keeping him in sight.

Holman hadn’t lied about taking the bus. Pollard watched him board a westbound bus on Hollywood Boulevard. Following it was a pain in the ass because it stopped at damn near every corner. Each time it stopped she had to wedge her Subaru to the curb even when there was no place to park, then crane her head to see past pedestrians and vehicles in case Holman got off.

When Holman reached Fairfax he finally stepped off, then caught a Fairfax bus heading south. He stayed on the Fairfax bus to Pico, then changed buses again, once more heading west. Pollard believed Holman was going home like he had said, but she couldn’t be sure and didn’t want to lose him, so she followed him, furious at herself for wasting so much time.

Holman left the bus two blocks from his motel. Pollard was worried he might see her, but he never once looked around. Pollard found that odd, as if he had no awareness of his surroundings or maybe he no longer cared.

When he reached his motel she expected him to go inside, but he didn’t. He continued around the side and got into his car, and then she was following him again.

Holman picked up Sepulveda Boulevard and dropped south through the city. Pollard stayed five or six cars back, following him steadily south until Holman surprised her. He stopped near a freeway off-ramp and bought a bouquet of flowers from one of the vendors who haunt the ramps.

Pollard thought, what in hell is he doing?

She found out a few blocks later when Holman arrived at the cemetery.

39

THE LATE-MORNING sun was breathtakingly hot as Holman turned onto the cemetery grounds. Polished head markers caught the light like coins strewn onto the grass, and the immaculate rolling lawn was so bright Holman squinted behind his sunglasses. The outside temperature gauge on his dashboard showed 98 degrees. The dashboard clock showed 11:19. Holman caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and froze-in that instant, he saw the dated Ray-Ban Wayfarers with his hair shaggy over the temples and was his younger self; the same Holman who ran wild with Chee, doing dope and stealing cars until his life spun out of control. Holman took off the Wayfarers. He must have been stupid, buying the same glasses.

With the midweek morning and the heat, only a few other visitors were scattered throughout the cemetery. A burial was taking place on the far side of the grounds, but only the one, with a small crowd of mourners gathered around a tent.

Holman followed the road up to Donna and parked exactly where he had parked the last time he came. When he opened his car the heat crushed into him like a wave and the glare made him wince. He started to reach for the sunglasses, but thought, no, he didn’t want to remind her of what he used to be.

Holman brought the flowers to her grave. His earlier flowers were now black and brittle. Holman collected the old flowers, then policed the headstone of dead leaves and petals. He took the dead stuff to a trash can by the drive, then brought the fresh flowers back and put them on her grave.

Holman felt badly he hadn’t brought some kind of vase. In this heat, without water, the flowers would be shriveled and dead by the end of the day.

Holman grew even angrier with himself, thinking maybe he was just one of those people who fucked up everything.

He squatted and pressed his hand onto Donna’s marker. The hot metal burned his palm, but Holman pressed harder. He let it burn.

He whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Holman?”

Holman glanced over his shoulder to see Pollard coming toward him. He pulled himself up.

“What did you think I was going to do, rob a bank?”

Pollard stopped beside him and gazed down at the grave.

“Richard’s mother?”

“Yeah. Donna. I should’ve married this girl, but…you know.”

Holman let it drop. Pollard looked up and seemed to study him.

“You okay?”

“Not so good.”

Holman studied Donna’s name on the marker. Donna Banik. It should have been Holman.

“She was proud of him. So was I, but I guess the kid never really had a chance, not with the way I was.”

“Max, don’t do this.”

Pollard touched his arm, but Holman barely felt it, a gesture with no more weight than a wave from a passing car. He studied Pollard, who he knew to be a bright and educated woman.

“I tried to believe in God when I was in prison. That’s part of the twelve-step thing-you have to give yourself to a higher power. They say it doesn’t have to be God, but, c’mon, who are they kidding? I really wanted there to be a Heaven, man-Heaven, angels, God on a throne.”

Holman shrugged, then looked back at the marker. Donna Banik. He wondered if she would mind if he had it changed. He could save up the money and buy a new marker. Donna Holman. Then his eyes suddenly filled when he thought, no, she would probably be ashamed.

Holman wiped at his eyes.

“I got this letter-Donna wrote when Richie finished the police academy. She said how proud she was he wasn’t like me, here he was a policeman and nothing like me. Now, you might think she was being cruel, but she wasn’t. I was grateful. Donna made our boy good and she did it alone. I didn’t give them a goddamned thing. I left them with nothing. Now I hope there’s no goddamned Heaven. I don’t want her up there seeing all this. I don’t want her knowing he turned out like me.”

Holman felt ashamed of himself for saying such things. Pollard was as rigid as a statue. Her mouth was a tight line and her face was grim. When Holman glanced at her, a tear leaked down from behind her sunglasses and rolled to her chin.

Holman lost it when he saw the tear and a sob shuddered his body. He tried to fight it, but he gasped and heaved as tears flooded his eyes, and all he knew in that moment was how much pain he had caused.

He felt Pollard’s arms. She murmured words, but he did not understand what she was saying. She held him hard, and he held her back, but all he knew were the sobs. He wasn’t sure how long he cried. After a while Holman calmed, but he still held her. They just stood there, holding each other. Then Holman realized he was holding her. He stepped back.

“Sorry.”

Pollard’s hand lingered on his arm, but she didn’t say anything. He thought she might, but she turned aside to wipe her eyes.

Holman cleared his throat. He still needed to talk with Donna and he didn’t want Pollard to hear.

“Listen, I want to stick around here for a while. I’ll be okay.”

“Sure. I understand.”

“Why don’t we call it quits for today?”

“No. No, I want to see the reports. I can do that without you.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Of course not.”

Pollard touched his arm again and he reached to touch her hand, but then she turned away. Holman watched her walk to her car in the brutal heat and watched as she drove away. Then he looked back at Donna’s marker.

Holman’s eyes filled again, and now he was glad Pollard had gone. He squatted once more and adjusted the flowers. They were already beginning to wilt.

“Bad or not, he was ours. I’ll do what I have to do.”