If you surprise an intruder in the act of burglarizing your home, do not panic. Remember, he is as frightened as you are. One good device is to rob him. Seize the initiative and relieve the burglar of his watch and wallet. Then he can get into your bed while you make a getaway. Trapped by this defense, I once wound up living in Des Moines for six years with another man's wife and three children, and only left when I was fortunate enough to surprise another burglar, who took my place. The six years I lived with that family were very happy ones, and I often look back on them with affection, although there is also much to be said for working on a chain gang.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

After he was rejected from both New York University and City College, Woody Allen turned to a professional writing career, at first for television and comedians. In 1964 he decided to become a comedian himself.

Woody Allen's first screenplay, written in 1964, was the enormously popular What's New, Pussycat? He has also written, directed, and starred in thirteen films to date: Take the Money and Run, Bananas, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, Sleeper, Love and Death, Annie Hall, Manhattan, Stardust Memories, A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, Broadway Danny Rose, Zelig, Hannah and Her Sisters, Radio Days, September, and Crimes and Misdemeanors. Mr. Allen also wrote and directed Interiors and The Purple Rose of Cairo. In addition, Mr. Allen has written three plays for Broadway: Don't Drink the Water, Play It Again, Sam (the latter starring himself in both the play and the subsequent film version) and The Floating Lightbulb.

Mr. Allen has written and appeared in his own television specials and has been a frequent contributor to The New Yorker, among other periodicals.