4

Two best friends look at their penises under sophisticated microscopes.

"You call this Elongated?" says one man.

"Jim, I gained four inches," says the other. "Perhaps you should try my brand."

"What is your brand, Kevin?" says the other.

"My brand is, I hang a brick from my penis and stand for hours at the edge of the Grand Canyon," says Kevin.

"Okay Kevin," says Jim. "You've been my dearest friend since kindergarten. I'll give it a try."

Then we see Jim standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, brick hanging from his penis, while Kevin tiptoes toward Jim's car, and a voiceover says: Pontiac Sophisto: So sophisticated, it might just make you trick your best friend into dangling a brick from his penis!

While Jim is distracted by the pain of the brick on his penis, Kevin squeals away in Jim's Sophisto. As Jim spins around to look, his penis rips off and plummets into the Grand Canyon. Jim smiles wryly, acknowledging Kevin's trick but also Kevin's good taste in cars, then starts down into the Grand Canyon, to retrieve and, hopefully, reattach his penis.

5

A young man leaving a nursing home gives his ancient grandmother and grandfather what might be a final hug.

"My advice, son?" says the grandfather. "Find yourself a woman like this one.'

Turning to go, tears in his eyes, the young man drops his car keys. As he picks them up, a bag of Doritos falls out of his pocket.

The grandmother and grandfather race in fast-motion for the bag of Doritos, kicking, gouging, and biting each other. The grandfather finally wins with a hard elbow to the grandmother's throat, which knocks her unconscious.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the young man says. "It's just a bag of Doritos."

"Just a bag of Doritos?" says the grandfather.

"You speak lies, scum," says the grandmother, regaining consciousness. Then the grandmother and grandfather nod to the Doritos bag, which rams into the young man, who falls to the floor and is kicked repeatedly by his grandparents.

"Grandma, Grandpa, please, stop!" the young man says.

Hearing herself called Grandma, the grandmother hesitates. The Doritos bag scowls at her. The grandfather kicks her in the stomach, and she falls to the floor.

"Who do you think you are?" the young man screams at the Doritos bag. "Do you believe yourself to be some sort of god? You're a bag of corn chips, with tons of salt and about nine coloring agents! That's all! That's all you are!"

The Doritos bag takes a huge sword from behind the back of its bag and decapitates the young man.

"Now what do you have to say?" says the grandmother.

"Nothing," says the young man's head.

"Do you love Doritos more than anything?" says the bag of Doritos.

The young man's head hesitates.

The Doritos bag cleaves the head in two.

The grandfather, prompted by the bag of Doritos, kicks one half of the head into the street, where it is run over by a Doritos truck and reduced to mush. On the other, unmushed, half of a head, one eyebrow goes up in sudden fear.

"Care for a Dorito?" says the grandfather.

"Yes," the remaining half a head says.

"Yes please?" says the grandfather.

"Yes please," says the remaining half a head.

"Yes please, it is sweeter to me than the most profound nectar?" says the grandfather.

"Yes please, it is sweeter to me than the most profound nectar," says the remaining half a head.

"Fat chance," says the grandfather. "You're not good enough for even a tiny fragment of a Dorito!"

Then he kicks the remaining half a head into the street, alongside the mush, and the Doritos truck backs up over the second half of head, reducing it to a second pile of mush.

"Do you still believe that Doritos is merely a bag of corn chips, with a ton of salt and about nine coloring agents?" the grandfather screams at the two piles of mush.

The piles of mush are too frightened to answer.

The bag of Doritos and the grandfather and the grandmother walk off, stepping comically over the two mushes with exaggeratedly high steps, as if revulsed.

They are escaping from the old folks' home, going to live in the land of Doritos, which is not in Mexico, exactly, but is very much like Mexico.

6

The grandfather and grandmother and the bag of Doritos can now see the land of Doritos in the near distance, beautiful and arid. Everywhere they look are bags of Doritos, working industriously.

Suddenly their path is blocked by the two piles of mush.

"What the?" says the grandfather who loves Doritos. Suddenly the piles of mush are joined by Grammy-the woman who died in a bush, neglected by her grandson Timmy, having been hit by a truck.

Then Grammy and the piles of mush are joined by the orange violated by the Slap-of-Wack bar.

Then Grammy and the piles of mush and the orange are joined by Jim the penisless man, who is still limping a little, and occasionally gaping down incredulously into his pants.

"Get out of our way," says the bag of Doritos.

"We're trying to get home, to our sacred land of Doritos," says the grandmother who loves Doritos.

Just then the man briefly involved with the gigantic Ding Dong comes running up and joins Grammy, the mush piles, the orange, and Jim the penisless man.

"Sorry I'm late," he says.

"Actually?" says the orange, with a hint of bravado. "You're right on time."

The grandfather, the grandmother, and the bag of Doritos see that they are badly outnumbered.

Luckily, at that moment they are joined by the giant DingDong, the Slap-of-Wack bar, Timmy, grandson of Grammy (even now eating from a container of MacAttack Mac & Cheese), and Kevin, the man who tricked Jim out of his penis.

"We don't get it," says the grandmother who loves Doritos. "What's your problem?"

"You took our dignity," says the orange.

"You took my fiancée," says the man briefly involved with the Ding-Dong.

"You took my penis," says Jim.

"You split my head in half, then reduced both halves to piles of mush, completely betraying the grandchild/grandparent relationship," says one pile of mush.

"Oh for crying out loud," says the grandmother who loves Doritos. "Don't you people believe in the concept of 'fun'?"

"In the concept of 'funny'?" says the bag of Doritos.

"We just want to express ourselves the way we want to express ourselves," says the giant Ding-Dong. "We find that fun."

"Well, we don't find it fun," says Jim the penisless man.

"Well, we do find it fun," says Kevin, the man who tricked Jim out of his penis.

"Looks like we'll have to agree to disagree on this," says the Ding-Dong.

"No," Grammy says. "This has gone on long enough."

The orange, the man briefly involved with the Ding-Dong, Jim the penisless man, Grammy, and the piles of mush, frustrated beyond reason by years of repetitively enduring the same physical/psychological humiliations in replay after replay of their respective vignettes, attack.

It is a bitter fight, which we know because out of a big cloud of dust fly a number of limbs, a bottle cap, bits of delicious flaky chocolate, and part of an orange peel.

When the dust settles, we see that the entire Ding-Dong/ Doritos/Timmy/grandparents-who-love-Doritos/Kevin/Slap-ofWack coalition is dead, except for the Slap-of-Wack, who is almost dead.

"Please, mercy," the Slap-of-Wack says.

"When did you ever show us any mercy?" says Jim the penisless man, and finishes off the Slap-of-Wack with a brutal karate chop.

The orange, insane with pent-up rage, falls upon the Slapof-Wack and tears it asunder with its tiny teeth until the other members of the coalition pull him off.