They seated themselves in front of the bed and waited while Sonny’s respirations grew farther and farther apart and progressively shallower. Gus found himself holding his own breath while waiting for Sonny’s next one.

On and on it went. For hours, it seemed. Each time Gus was sure that he was gone, Sonny would take another breath.

He tried to convince himself that what was about to happen was, in a sense, after the fact. The living force that had been a wonderfully kind and gentle boy was already gone from Sonny’s body and had been since the day of the accident. Nevertheless, as long as his nephew’s flesh was warm and his heart was beating, the still form lying there on the bed represented Sonny to him.

Gus had surprised himself by agreeing to be here. But if his sister wanted him with her, how could he say no? He needed Amanda’s love more than he needed life itself. More so now than ever before.

Amanda asked Freda to lead them in singing “Amazing Grace.” Mary Millicent’s quavery, old voice rose above the rest. At the end of that hymn, Mary Millicent said they must sing Sonny’s favorite hymn and began singing,

A mighty fortress is our God,

A bulwark never failing;

Our helper, He amid the flood

Of mortal ills prevailing…

Gus remembered the words to every verse. He was, after all, the son, grandson, and brother of evangelists, and actually it felt good to sing the familiar words from his childhood. He moved his chair close to his mother’s wheelchair so they could harmonize, as they had done so often all those years ago.

Suddenly they realized that Sonny’s breathing had stopped. Freda put her fingers to his neck. Then she kissed his forehead, put her hands to her face, and began to sob.

Gus and Amanda helped their mother to her feet. She kissed her grandson’s lips and stroked his hair and face. “Good-bye, my poor little Sonny boy,” she whispered in his ear. “You can go be an angel now.”

Then Gus kissed Sonny’s lips and chin and forehead. And his eyes. His hands. His silent heart. He felt as though his own heart were bursting inside his chest.

Amanda lingered, caressing her son’s face. “Take good care of my baby, Lord,” she implored. “Take him to your breast and love him for eternity.”

“Amen,” Gus said.

He envied his sister her faith. How nice it would be to think of Sonny in a bright warm place with love all around.

Jamie awoke to the sound of the wind-a howling wind that sounded like a horde of enormous creatures enraged because they could not force the stone fortress from its foundation. She glanced at her clock and realized it was morning-a very dark morning.

She dressed in layers and pulled on her coat. “Let’s get this over with,” she told Ralph.

She was surprised to see Miss Montgomery, Nurse Freda, and Kelly coming out of the housekeeper’s apartment and heading in the direction of the great hall. Jamie waited on the bottom step as they walked past her, the expressions on their faces solemn. Miss Montgomery and Kelly acknowledged Jamie’s presence with perfunctory nods. The nurse seemed not to notice her.

Outside the cold took Jamie’s breath away. As soon as Ralph had found just the right spot to relieve himself, he came racing back up the steps, obviously eager to go back inside.

Her breakfast tray was waiting outside her door. She carried it inside and, telling Ralph she would be right back, headed down the corridor toward the chapel. She pushed open the hidden door and climbed the wooden stairs. The room where Sonny had been was empty, the bed stripped.

She thought of the little windswept cemetery with its iron fence. Soon Sonny Hartmann would be laid to rest in that sad, lonely place.

Chapter Nineteen

“MY GOODNESS-seven months,” Freda said as she palpated Jamie’s abdomen. “Time flies, doesn’t it?”

Jamie didn’t bother to respond. If she had, she would have disagreed. For her time dragged by like a brick harnessed to a snail.

She lay quietly while Freda continued her examination. “You’re doing fine, sugar,” the nurse said as she helped Jamie to a sitting position. “Do you have any questions?”

“Not really,” Jamie said.

“Well, you should. Your due date is still two months away, but sometimes babies come early. I want you to call me at the first sign of labor or if your water breaks or even if it just begins to dribble some. Or sometimes the first sign of impending labor is when the mucus plug is expelled, which always has some blood mixed in. No cause for alarm. But whether it’s labor pains or your water breaking or passing the mucus plug, I want you to have Montgomery get in touch with me. Day or night.”

“Then what happens?” Jamie asked.

“Hard to predict. Even lean girls like you with great muscle tone usually take a while with their first baby. I’ll keep you as comfortable as possible throughout, but it won’t be a walk in the park. You know that, don’t you?”

Jamie nodded.

“Afterward, you’ll be drowsy from the pain medication and bleeding quite a bit,” Freda explained. “You’ll need to stay here at the clinic for several hours so I can keep an eye on you and then you can recuperate over at the ranch house for a couple of days.”

When she was finished at the clinic, Jamie walked over to the security office. Lester must have been watching for her. The door opened, and he walked over to his truck. “You walking or riding?” he asked.

“Walking,” she said and headed toward the stretch of road that led to the ranch house. She settled into a brisk pace then took a deep breath of the cold air, willing it to clear her head of all but pertinent thoughts. As her grandmother would have said, it was time for her to fish or cut bait. She needed to figure out how she was going to navigate herself through the next two months of her life.

It was not going to be easy.

Jamie still had no qualms about the practice of surrogate motherhood per se. Her disillusionment began when she realized that trust was not to be a part of her relationship with Amanda and her husband. And Jamie had always found it odd that the baby was going to be born on an isolated ranch in the middle of the Texas Panhandle. Amanda had gone to such lengths and expense to have this baby. Why would she allow it to be born in such a remote location without an anesthesiologist, obstetrician, and pediatrician in attendance? To some extent, Jamie had been able to put aside such concerns when she met Freda and saw the clinic. Freda was a certified midwife and no stranger to delivering babies. Deliveries sometimes turned into true medical emergencies, however. Why take the risk? Why not have the baby delivered in a hospital in Amarillo?

There was only one rationale that Jamie could see for having the baby at the ranch. If the baby were delivered in a hospital, she could screw up the whole deal by refusing to sign the adoption papers and simply walk out the door with the baby in her arms. Legally no one could stop her. At the ranch, she knew that the baby would be whisked away the minute it was born. Even if she refused to sign the papers, she knew that she would never be allowed to see the baby, much less leave with it.

Of course, if Amanda really was having a baby herself, it shouldn’t matter all that much if Jamie backed out of the deal-unless the baby she carried was Amanda’s grandchild.

God, it was all so confusing. At times her brain felt as though it had turned into mush.

Just have the baby and leave, she told herself. The words had become her mantra as she walked up and down dirt trails and gravel roads, as she paced up and down her living room, as she ate her solitary meals and lay sleepless in her bed.

There was nothing she could do to change the terms to which she had agreed. And she didn’t really want to do anything to jeopardize the life she had planned for herself. The child she carried was Amanda’s child and not her own, she told herself for the umpteenth time. She didn’t want a child at this point in her life. She wanted a chance to live for herself.