I was actually glad that Harriet was there, because it forced the Stanhopes to act like normal people.

I watched William closely for any signs that his sneeze had turned to a cough. You need to be careful at that age. But he seemed all right – maybe a little pale. Was that an age spot on his forehead or melanoma?

I thought, too, about William and Charlotte’s meeting yesterday with Father Hunnings. The good pastor, I hoped, had told them to mind their own business, and to be generous with their wedding gift, pay for the reception, increase Susan’s allowance, and take up skydiving.

Or William had successfully recruited Father Hunnings into the anti-John faction, and William had convinced Hunnings to intercede and counsel Susan about marrying a man who might be a gold digger, and was for sure mentally unbalanced and a wiseass. Hunnings and I never cared for each other, of course, and I hadn’t made any points with him the other night, so this would be a labor of love for him – Father Hunnings’ Revenge. Well, what you sow, you reap. Maybe I should learn to be nicer to people who could possibly screw me up. Maybe not.

Susan had instructed Sophie to announce dinner no later than 4:45 – how much of this could we take? – and Sophie appeared on the patio at the appointed time and said, “Dinner is served.”

So we went into the dining room, and Susan seated us – the two dads in the places of honor at opposite heads of the table, so we had to look at each other. Susan sat my mommy to my left, and sat Charlotte to William’s right. We’d agreed to put the kids strategically to the left of Grandpa, and across from Grandma Charlotte. Susan sat to my right, and I announced, “The first course is a Polish dish called Trust Fund Salad.” Of course, I didn’t say that. But I did have a repertoire of money slang that I could work in during dinner to make the kids giggle, such as “green stuff,” “gravy,” “bread,” “dough,” and “liquid assets.” Well, I don’t know about that last one.

Susan proposed a toast to the Greatest Dads in the World, and William somehow thought that included him and said, “Thank you.” Susan also said, “And to Joseph.”

That brought a tear to my mother’s eye. And this is the lady who’d succeeded in crushing any paternal instincts that Joseph Sutter might have had. But as I said, she was becoming a good grandma, and I hoped that this grandmotherly love was reflected in her will. The whales don’t need the money.

I took the opportunity to say, “I’m sorry Peter couldn’t be here.” I inquired of the Stanhopes, “Where is he working now?”

William replied, “He’s in Miami, and he handles most of the family business from there.”

I didn’t want to be the one to point out that there was no family business – only old money that was in the care of professionals – but I wanted some of that money for my wife and children, so I resisted saying, “Peter is a beach bum who couldn’t make change for a dollar bill without consulting a financial planner.” Instead, I said, “Please pass on my regards to him.” And tell him I’ll see him in court.

On the subject of the Stanhope fortune, if William had worked for this money, I would not be so covetous of it; people can do whatever they want with the money they’ve earned. But this was inherited money, acquired solely through genetic succession, and not through toil, brains, or even luck. Therefore, it was my belief that Shithead needed to pass it on to his progeny – even to Peter the Useless – just as it had been passed on to William’s worthless self. This money should not be used as a weapon or as a Pavlovian doggy treat.

Anyway, dinner proceeded well enough, and as I said, with Harriet there, the Stanhopes were not able to be complete assholes. For instance, they never brought up Susan’s deceased husband, who had also been my children’s stepfather. If they had brought up his name in front of my children, I know I’d have snapped and said, “Edward and Carolyn thought he was a boring old fart, just like you two,” and then dinner would be over.

Ditsy Charlotte, however, did say, “We’re very anxious to get home.”

We all felt the same way, but I replied, “I can’t wait to see your place in Hilton Head.”

And they said… nothing. But William looked at me down the length of the table, and smoke shot out of his nostrils.

Susan kept the conversation going whenever it sagged, but I didn’t like it when she said to the children, “Tell your grandparents about…” whatever. I mean, it was a little forced, though to be objective here, Grandma and Grandpa Stanhope weren’t eliciting much from their grandchildren, and I had the distinct impression that they’d put Edward and Carolyn on hold until the question of Mom and Dad was resolved.

Susan had asked me to be cordial and not to sulk. I went her one better. I’m very good at theatrical good cheer (bordering on parody), and I really let it fly. I said to William, for instance, “I’m not going to have a happy Father’s Day until you let me make you and Charlotte a martini.” And at one point I addressed him as “Dad,” which made him twitch. Better yet, my expansive table chatter drove them both deeper into themselves.

Harriet, I think, noticed that the Stanhopes did not like her son. She didn’t either, but I could tell she didn’t like it when it came from them. I was her idiot son, not theirs. That’s my mom.

I was trying to decide if I should begin a chorus of “Oh, My Papa,” but we could do that later in the living room, where there was a piano – Susan and Charlotte both played, and they could do a duet while the rest of us stood with our arms around one another and sang.

Well, dinner was finished by 6:30, which was the way Susan had planned it, and I’m sure no one felt that the time had just flown by.

But we needed the Father’s Day cake, so we retired to the living room and sat around the coffee table. Sophie wheeled in the cart and served coffee, tea, and after-dinner cordials.

Sophie also brought in a big cake that she’d made herself and decorated with the inscription, “Happy Father’s Day.” Unfortunately, it actually read, “Happy Fathers Pay.” We got a laugh out of that, and I said to William, “This is your cake, Dad.”

He didn’t think that was so funny.

Susan produced a gift bag with a designer’s logo on it and gave it to her father. “Happy Father’s Day, Dad.”

William smiled, happy to get some of his allowance back. He extracted the card, opened it, and read it to himself without sharing the message, or even saying that it was from all of us. What a swine.

William then took the tie box from the bag, and figured out how to open it. He held up one of the most godawful ties I’ve ever seen. It was sort of an iridescent pink, and it changed colors like a chameleon as it swung from his fingers.

He actually seemed to like it, and he said, “Thank you, Susan.”

Susan said, “It’s from all of us, Dad.”

I wanted to say, “I got a yacht,” but to be nice, I said, “I wish I’d gotten that.”

Which caused Harriet to ask, “What did the children get for you, John?”

I already had my answer and replied, “Two plane tickets to Hilton Head,” and I smiled at the Stanhopes, who twitched again. Neurological disorder?

Well, the dysfunctional family festivities were nearing an end, unless I asked Susan and Charlotte to play the piano. Carolyn announced that she’d like to catch the 8:25 train so she could get home and do some work before an early morning trial conference. Harriet offered to drive Carolyn to the station, but Carolyn had been traumatized by her last ride with Grandma, and she said that Edward would take her, and see her off. Edward was then going to stop at a friend’s house, and he was leaving early in the morning for the airport, so he’d say goodbye now to his grandparents.

We all went out to the forecourt, and everyone hugged and kissed and wished one another a safe trip. This is where the Stanhopes and the Sutters are at their best – goodbye.