This is a bit much to deal with, Leah. Let me think about it, ’kay?

Sure. Take your time.

It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn’t trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enough that I wouldn’t plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I was able to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasn’t going to abandon his mom. He would go back to La Push and protect the tribe like he should.

But I couldn’t see Leah doing that. And that was just plain scary.

A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn’t imagine the… the intimacy of that situation. I wondered if she’d really thought it through, or if she was just desperate to stay free.

Leah didn’t say anything as I chewed it over. It was like she was trying to prove how easy it would be if it was just us.

We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bit behind us. Leah sighed internally but didn’t hesitate. Her lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even. She took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.

Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jaws quickly, so she wouldn’t feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Leah’s disgust warring with her hunger, and I tried to make it easier for her by letting the wolf in me have my head. I’d lived all-wolf for long enough that I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instincts take over, letting her feel that, too. She hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, she seemed to reach out with her mind and try to see my way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked than they had ever been before, because we both were trying to think together.

Strange, but it helped her. Her teeth cut through the fur and skin of her kill’s shoulder, tearing away a thick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as her human thoughts wanted to, she let her wolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let her eat in peace.

It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn’t forgotten this. This would be my life again soon.

Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same girl.

We ate together until we both were full.

Thanks, she told me later as she was cleaning her muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didn’t bother; it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the river again on our way back. I’d get clean enough. That wasn’t so bad, thinking your way.

You’re welcome.

Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Leah and I would take over the patrol. Seth’s mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.

You headed back to the bloodsuckers? Leah asked.

Maybe.

It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.

You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do. My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you’ll have to suffer right along with me.

She thought about how to answer me. Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain than face mine.

Fair enough.

I know it’s going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that—maybe better than you think. I don’t like her, but… she’s your Sam. She’s everything you want and everything you can’t have.

I couldn’t answer.

I know it’s worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he’s alive and well. I love him enough that I want that. I want him to have what’s best for him. She sighed. I just don’t want to stick around to watch.

Do we need to talk about this?

I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won’t make it worse for you. Hell, maybe I’ll even help. I wasn’t borna compassionless shrew. I used to be sort of nice, you know.

My memory doesn’t go that far back.

We both laughed once.

I’m sorry about this, Jacob. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry it’s getting worse and not better.

Thanks, Leah.

She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune her out without much success. She was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.

She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. She liked my ragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running through a few blonde jokes in her mind that I might be able to work in. But then her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalie’s face in a way that confused me.

You know what’s crazy? she asked.

Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?

That blond vampire you hate so much—I totally get her perspective.

For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized she was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing we’d spread out to run our watch. If she’d been within biting distance…

Hold up! Let me explain!

Don’t want to hear it. I’m outta here.

Wait! Wait! she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. C’mon, Jake!

Leah, this isn’t really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.

Yeesh! What an overreaction. You don’t even know what I’m talking about.

So what areyou talking about?

And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before. I’m talking about being a genetic dead end, Jacob.

The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadn’t expected to have my anger trumped.

I don’t understand.

You would, if you weren’t just like the rest of them. If my “female stuff”—she thought the words with a hard, sarcastic tone—didn’t send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all means.

Oh.

Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course I remembered Leah’s panic that first month after she joined the pack—and I remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldn’t be pregnant—not unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap going on. She hadn’t been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, she’d realized that her body wasn’t following the normal patterns anymore. The horror—what was she now? Had her body changed because she’d become a werewolf? Or had she become a werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the history of forever. Was that because she wasn’t as female as she should be?

None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasn’t like we could empathize.

You know why Sam thinks we imprint, she thought, calmer now.

Sure. To carry on the line.

Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. You’re drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.

I waited for her to tell me where she was going with this.