“Thomas, it doesn’t matter if we make love or not.”

Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, Thomas grabbed for his discarded clothes with jerky, uncoordinated motions. “I find that hard to believe.”

Thomas went into the hall, slamming the door behind him with such force that the storm windows rattled in their frames.

Cassi found herself engulfed in lonely darkness. The howling wind, which moments before had enhanced her sense of security, now did the opposite. The old fear of being abandoned haunted her. Despite the warmth of the blankets, Cassi shivered. What if Thomas left her? Desperately she tried to put the thought out of her mind because she could not bear the possibility. Maybe he had just been drunk. She recalled his lack of equilibrium and slurred speech. In the short time she’d spoken with Patricia, it didn’t seem possible that Thomas could have absorbed enough alcohol to cause such an effect, but when she thought about it, she had to admit that there had been several such episodes in the last three or four months.

Rolling onto her back, Cassi stared at the ceiling where an outdoor lamp shining through the leafless tree outside created a pattern like a gigantic spider web. Frightened by the image, she turned on her side only to confront the same scary shadow on the wall across from the window. Was Thomas taking some kind of drug? Having admitted the possibility, she recognized that she’d been denying the signs for months. It was further evidence that Thomas was unhappy with her, that their life had drastically changed, and that he had changed.

In the bathroom off his study, Thomas stared at his naked body in the mirror. Although he hated to admit it, he did look older. And more worrisome than that was his shriveled penis. To his own touch it felt almost numb, and the lack of sensation filled him with agonizing fear. What was wrong with his sexuality? When Cassi had been massaging him he’d felt the need for sexual release. But obviously his penis had had other ideas.

It must have been Cassi’s fault, he reasoned halfheartedly, as he returned to the study and got into his clothes. Rescuing his drink, he sat at his desk and opened the second drawer on the right. In the very back, hidden by his stationery, were a number of plastic bottles. If he was going to sleep, he needed one more pill. Just one! Deftly he flipped one of the small yellow tablets into his mouth, then chased it down with his Scotch. It was amazing how quickly he felt the calming effect.

Four

The next morning Cassi took her insulin and ate breakfast without any sign of Thomas. By eight she was concerned. Their usual schedule on Saturday was to leave by eight-fifteen so that Thomas could see his patients before Grand Rounds and Cassi could catch up on her own work.

Putting down the article she’d been reading at her desk and tightening the belt on her robe, Cassi walked from the morning room down the hall and listened outside Thomas’s door. There were no sounds whatsoever. She knocked softly and waited. Still nothing. She tried the door. It was unlocked. Thomas was sound asleep with his alarm clock gripped in his hand. Evidently he’d turned it off and fallen directly back to sleep.

Cassi walked over to him and shook him gently. There was no response. She shook him more forcibly and his heavy-lidded eyes opened, but he looked as if he didn’t recognize her.

“I’m sorry to wake you, but it’s already after eight. You do want to go to Grand Rounds, don’t you?”

“Grand Rounds?” answered Thomas with confusion. Then he seemed to understand. “Of course I want to go. I’ll be down for a bite in a few minutes. We’ll leave here in twenty at the most.”

“I’m not going to the hospital today,” said Cassi as brightly as she could. “I’m not expected in psychiatry, and I have an enormous amount to read. I brought home an entire bag full of reprints.”

“Suit yourself,” said Thomas, pushing himself up to a sitting position. “I’m on call tonight, so I’m not sure when I’ll be home. I’ll let you know later.”

Cassi went down to the kitchen to make something for Thomas to eat in the car.

Thomas sat on the edge of the bed while the room whirled around him. He waited until his vision cleared, feeling each pulse like a hammer in his head. He stumbled first to the desk where he got out one of his plastic containers. Then he made his way into the bathroom.

Avoiding his image in the mirror, Thomas tried to get one of the small, orange triangular pills out of the container. It was no easy task, and it wasn’t until he’d dropped several that he got one into his mouth and washed it down. Only then did he venture a glance at his face. It didn’t look as bad as he feared nor as bad as he felt. With a bit more agility he took another pill, stepped into the shower, and turned on the water full blast.

Cassi stood by the window in the living room watching as Thomas disappeared into the garage. Even through the glass she could hear the roar of the Porsche as it started. She wondered what it sounded like in Patricia’s apartment. The thought made her realize that she’d never visited Patricia; not once in the three years Cassi had been living there.

She watched until Thomas’s Porsche had accelerated down the driveway and disappeared into the damp morning fog that hung over the salt marsh. Even after the car was out of sight, its low-frequency roar could be heard as Thomas shifted gears. Finally the noise vanished and the stillness of the empty house enveloped Cassi.

Looking at her palms, Cassi noticed they were damp. Her first thought was that she was experiencing a mild insulin reaction. Then she realized it was nervousness. She was going to violate Thomas’s study. She’d always felt that trust and privacy were necessary parts of a close relationship, but she simply had to know if Thomas was taking tranquilizers or any other drugs. For months she’d been closing her eyes, hoping her marriage would improve. Now she knew she could not continue to wait passively any longer.

As she opened the door to Thomas’s study, she felt like a burglar: a very bad burglar. Each little sound in the house made her jump.

“My God,” said Cassi out loud. “You’re being an idiot!”

Her own voice had a calming effect. As Thomas’s wife she had the right to enter every room in the house. Yet in many ways she still felt like a visitor.

The study was in partial disarray. The sofa bed was still open, the covers piled in a heap on the floor. Cassi eyed the desk but then saw the open bathroom door. She pulled open the medicine cabinet. Inside were shaving gear, the usual litter of patented medicines, several old tooth-brushes, and some out-dated Tetracycline antibiotics. She looked through all the packages and containers. There was nothing remotely suspicious.

As she was about to leave, her eye caught a flash of color on the white-tiled floor. Bending down, she found herself holding a small triangular orange pill stamped with SKF-E-19. It looked familiar, but she couldn’t place it. Back in Thomas’s study she scanned the bookshelves for a Physician’s Desk Reference. Not finding one, she walked back to the morning room and took out her own. Quickly she turned to the product identification section. It was Dexedrine!

Holding the pill in her hand, Cassi stared out at the sea. There was a lone sailboat about a quarter mile out moving slowly through the swells. Watching it for a moment helped her organize her thoughts. She felt a weird mixture of relief and increased anxiety. The anxiety came from confirming her fear that Thomas might be taking drugs. The relief stemmed from the nature of the pill that she’d found-Dexedrine. Cassi could easily imagine an achiever like Thomas taking an occasional “upper” in order to sustain his almost superhuman performance. Cassi was aware of how much surgery Thomas did. She could understand how he could fall into the trap of taking a pill to sharpen his attention when he was otherwise exhausted. For Cassi it seemed to be in keeping with his personality. But as much as she tried to calm herself, she was still afraid. She knew the dangers of abusing Dexedrine and wondered how much she was to blame for Thomas’s need for the drug, and how long he’d been taking it.