PUMPKIN TRANSMUTATION DEVICE TESTED

Scientists at QuangTech were said to be “overjoyed” at the latest testing of their new pumpkin transmutation device, it was reported in the Berkshire Radio News this month. The Reading-based technology company had been experimenting on pumpkins for some years, but until now with little success. The highly technical article outlines for the first time the extraordinary advances made in the world of pumpkin transmogrification. “It is possible,” said a QuangTech spokesman yesterday, “to change pumpkins into almost anything one wishes by bombarding them with twin beams of particle-shifting gamma radiation, then moving the charged particles to within a magnetic-contained matrix of the new shape. The successful transmutation of a pumpkin into a coach was undertaken last week and was entirely successful—for a while. At present we have no way of permanently fixing the new shape, and the coach reverted to a pumpkin around about midnight.”

—Extract from The Mole, April 19, 1988

Aside from the absence of the Sacred Gonga and the fact that it wasn’t held in the visitors’ center, the Jellyman’s Sacred Gonga Visitors’ Center dedication went extremely well. Everyone present commented on how it was conducted with the utmost tact, solemnity and reverence. After the dedication ceremony, the Jellyman went on a procession route through the town, stopping off at various places of interest on the way.

The police estimate for the turnout was nearly three hundred thousand, despite the poor weather and the faint possibility of contracting verrucas. Of that it was estimated that 10 percent actually got a good look, 30 percent saw a man in a white suit waving, a further 30 percent saw only a distant white blob, 10 percent thought they saw something but actually didn’t, and the remainder saw nothing at all.

Madeleine, Stevie, Ben, Pandora, Megan and Jerome had been in the unlucky last category. They had left too late and got stuck in the throng, battling with the crowds and dodging street traders who were selling everything from Jellyman key rings to bedside lamps to DVDs of his speeches to dolls that made suitably sagacious pronouncements when you pulled a string at the back of their neck. Pandora and Ben gripped Jerome and Megan’s hands lest they get swept away in the crowd. They got to the Civic Center just as the Jellyman had gone in. When he came out two hours later, a police van pulled up and blocked their view, so all they saw was the back of his white Daimler limousine as he drove off to visit St. Septyck’s new ward for terminal sarcastics. Madeleine thought of waiting for his return in three hours’ time, but the children were tired and it had begun to drizzle. They made their way back home in a subdued mood. It was a bit like visiting the beach one day in the year to find it shut.

“Congratulations, Jack!”

Briggs shook him warmly by the hand, but Jack didn’t smile. The decontamination process has that effect on people.

“They got away, sir. It’s not much of a result.”

“You’re wrong,” Briggs said, handing Jack and Mary champagne glasses. “It’s a very good result. Without you more than ten thousand people would be infected with Dr. Carbuncle’s unbelievably infectious superverruca by now—with potentially millions in the coming months. Swimming pools, beaches and sports halls would have become no-go zones and shoe shops places of dread and suspicion. Spongg’s would be charging what they want, and we’d all be none the wiser. No, it’s a very good result indeed.”

Jack took a sip of the champagne to find that it was, in fact, fizzy apple juice.

“We’re still on duty,” said Briggs in response to Jack’s quizzical look. “Cheers!”

“Cheers, sir.”

Briggs sat at his desk. It was early evening, and the day’s security precautions were being slowly wound down. The Jellyman was at his last official engagement, a banquet over at the sprawling QuangTech facility to celebrate the technological, industrial and artistic achievements of Reading. Jack and Mary had been called up to Briggs’s office quite unexpectedly and were surprised to find Brown-Horrocks there, still dressed in the blue overalls, which were too short and showed at least seven inches of white ankle.

“The Biohazard Response Team went to Dr. Carbuncle’s house and are going to encase it in concrete rather than risk even moving the verruca,” said Briggs. “The Foot Museum is being soaked in disinfectant and won’t be reopened for six months. I’ve had a word with the head of the Center of Communicable Diseases. They’d like to shake your hand without latex gloves on—that’s quite an honor from those chaps.”

“Yes, but what about Lola and Spongg, sir?”

Briggs shook his head. “They won’t find anywhere they can hide in Europe. The deliberate spreading of infectious diseases is serious stuff; the police forces of the Continent will definitely be on the lookout.”

Jack was less than happy. Spongg and Lola’s progress had been charted by a series of sightings in the South of England. It seemed they had commenced their Channel crossing at Lulworth, and the French had sent two reconnaissance aircraft to patrol the coast. They were recalled three hours later when the Hornet Moth didn’t show.

“Have you seen the late editions?” asked Briggs. He showed Jack a copy of The Toad . It carried glowing reports of the extraordinary drama played out in Reading that day and heaped almost as much praise on Jack today as the bile they had dumped on him yesterday. “It’s all going frightfully well. The press want you to issue a statement. Perhaps you could make up a catchphrase for yourself—something like… ‘This inquiry is shut’ — or something.”

“I’d be lying, sir.”

“I’m sorry?”

Brown-Horrocks looked up from where he was transcribing his notes, which had faded badly in the autoclave.

“Something’s not right,” said Jack despondently. “Spongg planned to kill Humpty but didn’t. Someone beat him to it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Lola said that she would inherit Humpty’s thirty-eight percent after her ‘husband’s untimely death in the Zephyr.’ If she was in on the whole scam from the beginning, she must have known about the shooting—so why mention the Zephyr? It was how they intended to kill him, but events overtook them. Then, when we visit her for the second time, asking annoying questions about Humpty’s new wife, they decide to use it on us. ”

“That’s it?” said Briggs with a laugh. “That’s the sole reason for your doubts?”

“Pretty much. Someone else killed Humpty.”

“Who?”

“A hit man working for Solomon Grundy.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! We’ve gone down that avenue already. Grundy said he knew that his wife fooled around and didn’t care. I need proof, Jack, proof!”

“He only said he didn’t care, sir. Grundy turned down an offer of ten million for Humpty’s thirty-eight percent the night of the charity benefit. Charles Pewter told me the price was a snip and he should have jumped at the chance—but he didn’t. He knew there was no point, as Humpty had less than three hours to live. He knew that because he had paid a gunman to kill him. All the ‘understanding husband’ act was a sham—Grundy took his wife’s affair very badly indeed.”

“And Winkie?”

“He must have recognized the shooter. Someone from Winsum’s, where he worked.”

Briggs drummed his fingers on the desk and exchanged looks with Brown-Horrocks. He took a deep breath and said, “Refusing ten million quid for dodgy foot-care shares is undoubtedly the most tenuous piece of evidence I’ve ever heard. You could be wrong; Lola might have made a mistake mentioning the Zephyr.”

Jack bit his lip. Briggs was right. It was conjecture. Sadly, this wasn’t about what was true but what was provable.

“I’ll concede it’s a bit flimsy, sir.”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“It’s more than flimsy,” said Briggs at length, “it’s blessed inconvenient. I’ve got a roomful of press who want to hear exactly how Spongg murdered Humpty.”

“Can I make a suggestion?” asked Brown-Horrocks.

“Certainly,” said Briggs.

“I’ve spoken to the editors at Amazing Crime Stories and they’re very taken with the whole chiropody/bioterrorism/nursery rhyme angle, so they’ll go with what you’ve got—sight unseen. I suggest that you make it seem to readers as if Spongg did kill Humpty. I’m sorry to say that publication might be seriously compromised if there were any complications, false endings or unresolved plot threads.”

There was silence.

“He’s right,” said Briggs. “Without Spongg in custody, the case remains open anyway. If we announce the findings that Brown-Horrocks suggests, it’ll be good for the force—and good for your Guild application.”

Jack didn’t say anything, so Briggs, sensing reticence, continued: “I’ve had the Chief Constable on to me twice today already. He thinks we should keep the NCD and promote you to DCI. The Chief is not happy that Chymes fabricated the entire Andersen’s Wood murder case and feels that we should advance someone from within the Reading force just in case. He is prepared to offer you all the help and assistance that might be required to make the NCD as much of a success as DCI Chymes was. Times change, Jack, and we have to change with them. Public approval is a currency we cannot afford to fritter away. Of course, this would all depend on your ability to play ball. You’ve moved up a notch, Jack. The stakes are bigger—but then so are the rewards.”

Briggs and Brown-Horrocks looked at him expectantly.

Jack thought for a moment and stared at the floor. He’d like the respect, the kudos, the extra cash, the parking place. He’d also like to make DCI. But most of all he wanted the NCD to stay as it was. Yet if he’d learned anything over the past few days, it was that Amazing Crime Stories and the Guild had no place attempting to make murder, tragedy and violence marketable commodities for the edification of the masses—that and never go near a thirty-seven-kilo verruca.

“This must have been how it all began with Chymes,” sighed Jack. “A small omission on one case, an ‘embellishment’ on the next. The question is not about what’s best but what’s right. Chymes had confused the two and compromised not only his own integrity but that of the police—and the due process of law. I’ll let you have a full report on Humpty by Monday morning, along with my recommendations regarding Solomon Grundy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go and thank the team.”