“Today he’d make millions on the diet book. What does this have to do with your scheme? Other than also being completely insane?”

“It’s the whole point. It got people’s attention. It got them debating the Irish hunger problem. He was a minister. He was on the side of the poor.”

“So what happened to him?”

“Well, he ended up in a sanatorium.”

Terry snorted.

“He got senile. Big deal. So will you and I be, if we live long enough. Come on,” she said. “You’re being obtuse.”

“You’re advocating that the government incentivize suicide, and I’m being obtuse?”

“Voluntary Transitioning.”

“You offer people tax breaks. To kill themselves. At age seventy.”

“More if they Transition at sixty-five. Yes, a package of incentives. Free medical. Drugs-all the drugs you want. Boomers love that kind of pork. The big one is no estate tax. Why leave it to Uncle Sam when you can leave it to the kids? That’ll get the kids on board. Terry, listen to me. I ran the numbers. By my calculations, if only twenty percent of seventy-seven million Baby Boomers go for it, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid will be solvent. End of crisis. Tell me that’s not worth debating.”

Terry looked at her with the mixed pride and alarm of a mentor whose protйgйe has gone up to the edge of the abyss-and swan-dived into it.

“What if they sign up for it,” he said, “and then when they turn seventy decide, You know, on second thought I think I won’t kill myself. Maybe when I’m a hundred.”

Cass said matter-of-factly, “There’d have to be, you know, substantial penalties for non-early withdrawal.”

“The 401(k) from hell? Oh, sign me up.”

“Terry, you’re missing the point. It’s never going to get to that. Because as you and Randy so astutely point out, the Congress is never in a thousand years going to pass it. Even if they did pass it, the president would never sign it into law. And if he did sign it, the Supreme Court would rule it unconstitutional.”

“So what is the point?”

“To force a debate! So that at the end of the day, the government will have to do something. Remember what Churchill said? ‘Americans always do the right thing-after they’ve tried everything else.’”

Terry considered, then said, “Uh-uh. Pasadena. I can see explaining to our corporate clients, ‘We don’t actually expect the Congress to pass a mass suicide bill. Don’t you see? It’s a meta-issue. What are you, obtuse?’”

“Suit yourself,” Cass said. “I’m taking this to the next level.”

“The basement?”

That night, after putting in a few hours trying to make Larry’s insecticide sound like something you’d spray on your newborn infant to make it sleep through the night, Cass went to work on her “Modest Proposal.”

In the days following, she consulted with gerontologists, economists, actuaries, the Congressional Budget Office, people who’d worked at the White House Office of Management and Budget, theologians and ministers (so that she could say she had), and even someone who’d worked at a penitentiary putting people on death row to sleep (another good footnote).

As she worked furiously, there came a moment-toward dawn, as the birds began their cheeping, the sound of life primordial beginning all over again-when she looked up from her warm laptop and asked herself, What are you doing? But she had an answer, and soon her fingers were clicking away on the keys, fortissimo.

She was about to post it on CASSANDRA when she decided-once again-to wait and post it at a more respectable hour than 5:22 a.m. It was as she lay with her head on the pillow, drifting into postponed sleep, that the notions of volunteers came to her. She was so excited that she got out of bed, made herself a Red Bull smoothie, and paced the apartment trying to figure out this part.

Chapter 13

“From Washington, tonight, a novel proposal on how to solve the Social Security crisis. For that story, we go now to our correspondent, Betsy Blarkin.”

“Thanks, Katie. Cassandra Devine, the twenty-nine-year-old blogger who calls herself CASSANDRA, is back in the news. Last month, she urged young people not to pay taxes and to storm the gates of Boomer retirement communities.

“At a press conference today, she unveiled a plan that, she says, would solve the problem by making the government solvent.

“Her solution? The government should offer incentives to retiring Boomers-to kill themselves.”

“‘Americans are living longer. Okay, but why should my generation spend our lives in hock subsidizing their longevity? They want to live forever-we’re saying, let them pay for it.’”

“Under Devine’s plan, the government would completely eliminate estate taxes for anyone who kills themself at age seventy. Anyone agreeing to commit suicide at age sixty-five would receive a bonus, including a two-week, all-expenses-paid ‘farewell honeymoon.’

“‘Our grandparents grew up in the Depression and fought in World War Two. They were the so-called Greatest Generation. Our parents, the Baby Boomers, dodged the draft, snorted cocaine, made self-indulgence a virtue. I call them the Ungreatest Generation. Here’s their chance, finally, to give something back.’”

“Devine has even come up with a better term for suicide: ‘Voluntary Transitioning.’ I spoke with her earlier today after her press conference…

“Ms. Devine, do you expect anyone to take this proposal of yours seriously?”

“Well, Betsy, you’re interviewing me on network television, so I’d say that’s a good start. If you’re asking why am I proposing that Americans kill themselves in large numbers, my answer is, because of the refusal of the government, again and again, to act honestly and responsibly. When Social Security began, there were fifteen workers to support one retiree. Now there are three workers per retiree. Soon it will be two. You can run from that kind of math, but you can’t hide. It means that someone my age will have to spend their entire life paying unfair taxes, just so the Boomers can hit the golf course at sixty-two and drink gin and tonics until they’re ninety. What happened to the American idea of leaving your kids better off than you were? If the government has a better idea, hey, we’re all for it. Put it on the table. Meanwhile, we’re putting this on the table. And it’s not going away.”

“A number of experts that we spoke to, including Karl Kansteiner of the Rand Institute in Washington, actually agreed that such a measure, however drastic, would in fact solve the Social Security and U.S. budget crisis.”

“The average American now lives to seventy-eight, seventy-nine years old. Many live much longer. We currently are experiencing what could be called a surplus of octogenarians, nonagenarians, and even centenarians. If the government didn’t have to pay benefits to these elders, say, past the age of seventy, the savings would be vast. Enormous. Indeed, tempting. Certainly, it is not a solution for, shall we say, the faint of heart.”

“Others, like Gideon Payne of the Society for the Protection of Every Ribonucleic Molecule, call Devine’s idea ‘morally repugnant.’”

“Have we finally reached the point where we are advocating mass murder as a national policy? This entire plan, this scheme, is an abomination in the eyes of the Almighty. I tremble for my country. This woman should be ashamed.”

“Cassandra Devine doesn’t appear in the least ashamed. Indeed, she seems quite determined. Katie?”

“Thank you, Betsy Blarkin in Washington, for that report. Finally, tonight, Wal-Mart announced that it has obtained permission to open a one-hundred-and-fifty-thousand-square-foot megastore on the Mall, in Washington.…”