We stopped the car half a block before the bridge and switched to a taxi. I gave the guy the address and he looked at me, looked at her, then nodded briefly. I'd been told it was better to take a taxi across the border because if you drove your car you became subject to major delays owing to inspections by customs agents on your return to the U.S. side, for guns and drugs.

The town had a strange electric brightness in the stormlight. Blue and green stucco shops with pottery on display-pottery, copper, blankets, glass.

"I think I'm having second thoughts," I said.

"Please, okay?"

"Maybe they're first thoughts. I never really thought hard enough until now."

Amy could carry a fair amount of reproach in her clear brown eyes.

"I took it for granted that this was the only thing to do," I said. "We should have talked about it some more."

Her look was the kind of look you get when someone wants you to know she is taking great pains not to pity you. When we cleared the town and drove into the brown hills the rain came hard. About six minutes later the driver pulled up in front of a fairly sizable house behind some trees and the sun was hot and bright and the ground was smoking.

The woman who let us in looked at Amy and said, "Please, your name," more or less managerially.

"Amy Brookhiser."

"Yes, you'll come with me."

And that's what happened. Amy went with the woman, who was either the nurse, the wife, the office manager or some combination of these. I thought we might have some reassuring words for each other, Amy and I, or I might say something even if she didn't, although I didn't know what I might say, but they were down the hall and making a left turn and I still had our overnight bags in my hands.

All right. I set the bags down and went into the living room, or waiting room, and sat on the sofa. There were no magazines to read. All the reading was on the walls, painted sayings and occult symbols, and this was unexpected. Circles, chevrons, arrows, birds, mucho mystical drivel, and I was trying to absorb it all. A number of shaped sayings, words that formed triangles and tall palms, trees of life perhaps-sayings in English about the passage of the soul and the eye of God, and there were mystical eyes and admonitory hands on all four walls and the ceiling.

I tried to absorb this surprise, wondering what it meant and why I hadn't been warned, and that's when the doctor walked in. A man I worked with in Palo Alto had given me his name and address, and I'd called and made arrangements, and there were assurances about safety from two other people I'd talked to, safe, clean, professional, but no one had said anything about the walls.

He didn't seem to be looking at me.

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Dr. Swearingen?"

He wasn't looking at me.

He said, "Everything seems to be in order."

I said, "Do I pay now?"

We seemed to be having a conversation that went backwards.

He thought about the question of payment, his mouth scrunched up, my hand at my wallet, waiting.

He was a tall man in a white smock, tall and stooped, with an odd pallor, and deeply introspective, I thought, six feet seven or eight, an American who did abortions, according to the people I'd talked to, out of a sense of duty and compassion, and he hadn't shaved today.

I paid him two hundred dollars cash and he said, "Expect some bleeding," maybe as a way of veiling the transaction, and then he went down the hall.

I sat there with the pictures and the words. I didn't know how to think about any of this. I didn't know what to call it. Maybe Amy knew but she wasn't saying much. All she wanted to do was get it over with.

I was willing to make sacrifices and be responsible. This is what I told myself. I wanted to fix myself to something strong, to a wife, I thought, and child.

But it wasn't strong at all. It was hopeless, worthless and weak.

We wouldn't last a month together. We were restless and grasping, we were a fling that had run intermittently for two years only because we lived in different cities, and we were religious in our attachment to risk, and she was the last thing I needed in this world.

And you felt a strange shaded grief, didn't you, sitting in the room, a sadness shaded by distance, and you tried to think yourself into the middle of the child's unlived life.

Someone was cooking a meal a couple of rooms away and this disturbed me. The savor of the food and the faint sounds of activity, someone opening cabinet doors-this disturbed and confused me and made me a little angry.

Amy was twenty-six years old, a couple of weeks shy of twenty-seven, and she lived and worked in Wichita. I was twenty-four, roughly half a continent away, and I knew she half hated both of us for what had happened.

When Amy came out I realized I hadn't told the cabdriver to pick us up and we waited a while until the woman made the call and someone showed.

They'd given her a local, only, because that's what they were equipped to do, and she wasn't groggy on the ride to the border but sat forward and gripped the edges of the front seat and didn't want to talk.

The customs men checked the cab for contraband and breezed through our bags and we were in our rented car in a matter of minutes.

I drove out of Del Rio headed east on 90. Amy slept a while and woke up and was thirsty. Up ahead of us a pickup went into a spin, just like that, the only other vehicle on the road, skidding and whipping when it came off a sandy ramp, and I slowed down so we could watch objectively.

"Swapped ends," Amy said quietly. "That's what my old granddad Parker would say. Truck swapped ends for sure."

She spoke in a tired and quiet voice and I drove slowly past the pickup, which was facing the way it wanted to face again, with two teenage boys in the cab, collecting themselves in a flurry of stupid grins, and I looked for a place where Amy could get a cool and healthy drink somewhere between here and the airport.

The hotel was called the Waves, and why not? This was Ocean Drive, wasn't it, in the municipality of Miami Beach.

Small rich angry men got out of rented convertibles with their dolled-up wives, women so cultishly tanned they resembled tobacco leaf.

Spoiled savvy with-it kids from northern cities flashed fake I.D.s at the bar. They were enrolled at the resort colleges in the area and were eager to catch the act in the big room.

A contingent of Cubans fell by, headed for the hotel lounge, shod, clad, tropically smart-the women in wraparound white and born to dance and the men sunglassed and wary They looked like bodyguards for some jefe about to topple.

There was a Latin band in the lounge doing mambos and cha-chas and a number of Long Island sexpots were here, looking for second husbands. They traveled in pairs or with a sister, even, like a hunter and her gun bearer, one divorced, one single-dating an orthodontist here and an iffy sort of businessman there. Says he's an executive in the hotel linen supply business? But when I call him on the phone? I have to ask for Marty? And his name is Fred?

Eyelinered, tweezered, mascara'd, flashing acrylic nails, coral, with matching lipstick and blush. These were women who'd always been part of the in-group and some of them preferred the nightclub to the lounge because they wanted to get a taste of Lenny Bruce.

First you laugh, then you dance.

The room was called El Patio and the mambo music from the lounge kept seeping in. Lenny was surprised to spot some old people in the crowd, a few canes propped against the chairs, but he decided not to do any cripple bits. Not because he was getting cautious and soft. No, there was only one subject tonight and it was central to his existence.