50

Katie and Jacob staggered in through the door and dumped their bags.

Mum kissed them both and said, “Your father’s in bed. Bit under the weather.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest. I think it might be all in the mind.” She winced slightly when she said the words “all in the mind,” as if she had just opened a tub of something that had gone off.

“So, he’s not actually ill?” asked Katie.

“He has eczema.”

“Can I watch my Bob the Builder video?” asked Jacob.

“I’m sorry but Grandpa’s got the video player upstairs,” said Mum.

“You don’t have to go to bed because you’ve got eczema,” said Katie. She had that feeling she often got with her parents, that something was being kept from her, a feeling which only got more sinister as they aged.

“Can I watch my video with Grandpa?” asked Jacob, tugging at Katie’s trousers.

“Let me finish talking to Granny,” said Katie.

“He says he’s worried about dying,” said Mum, in a stage whisper.

“But I want to watch it now,” said Jacob.

“Two minutes,” said Katie.

“You know what he’s like,” said Mum. “I have no idea what is going through that head of his.”

“Is Grandpa dying?” asked Jacob.

“Grandpa’s absolutely fine,” said Mum.

“Except he’s not,” replied Katie.

“I want a biscuit,” said Jacob.

“Well, it just so happens that I bought some Jaffa Cakes this morning,” said Mum to Jacob. “Isn’t that a coincidence.”

“Mum, you’re not listening to me,” said Katie.

“Can I have two?” said Jacob.

“You’re very cheeky this morning,” said Mum.

“Please can I have two biscuits?” said Jacob turning to Katie.

“Mum…” Katie caught herself. She didn’t want a row before she’d got her coat off. She wasn’t even sure precisely what she was angry about. “Look. You take Jacob off to the kitchen. Give him a biscuit. One biscuit. I’ll go up and talk to Dad.”

“OK,” said Mum in a cheery sing-song. “Do you want some orange juicy with that biscuit?”

“We went on a train,” said Jacob.

“Did you, now?” said Mum. “What kind of train was it?”

“It was a monster train.”

“Now that sounds like a very interesting kind of train. Do you mean it looked like a monster, or do you mean there were monsters on it?”

The two of them disappeared into the kitchen and Katie began walking upstairs.

It felt wrong, going to Dad’s bedside. Dad didn’t do illness. His own or other people’s. He did soldiering on and taking one’s mind off things. Dad having a breakdown was in the same category as Dad taking up hairdressing.

She knocked and went in.

He was lying in the center of the bed with the duvet pulled to his chin, like a frightened old lady in a fairy tale. He turned the television off almost immediately, but from what she could see he appeared to be watching…Was it really Lethal Weapon?

“Hullo, young lady.” He seemed smaller than she remembered. The pajamas didn’t help.

“Mum said you weren’t feeling very well.” She couldn’t work out where to put herself. Sitting on the bed was too intimate, standing was too medical and using the armchair would mean touching his discarded vest.

“Not very. No.”

They were silent for a few moments, both of them staring into the slatey green oblong of the TV screen with its skewed little bar of reflected window.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She couldn’t believe she was saying these words to Dad.

“Not really.”

She had never heard him sound so straightforward. She got the eerie sense that they were doing actual communication for the first time. It was like finding a new door in the living-room wall. It was not entirely pleasant.

“I’m afraid your mother doesn’t really understand,” said Dad.

Katie had no idea what to say.

“Not really her kind of thing.”

Christ. Parents were meant to sort this stuff out for themselves.

She didn’t want this on her plate. Not now. But he needed someone to talk to, and Mum was clearly not keen on the job. “What isn’t her kind of thing?”

He took a long, quiet breath. “I’m frightened.” He stared at the television.

“What of?”

“Of dying…I’m frightened of dying.”

“Is there something you’re not telling Mum?” She could see a stack of videos beside the bed. Volcano, Independence Day, Godzilla, Conspiracy Theory…

“I think…” He paused and pursed his lips. “I think I have cancer.”

She felt giddy and a little faint. “Do you?”

“Dr. Barghoutian says it’s eczema.”

“And you don’t believe him.”

“No,” he said. “Yes.” He thought hard. “No. Not really.”

“Perhaps you should ask to see a specialist.”

Dad frowned. “I couldn’t do that.”

She nearly said, Let me have a look, but the idea was gross in too many ways. “Is this really about cancer? Or is it about something else?”

Dad scrubbed ineffectually at a little jam stain on the duvet. “I think I might be going insane.”

Downstairs Jacob was squealing as Mum chased him round the kitchen.

“Perhaps you should talk to someone.”

“Your mother thinks I’m being silly. Which I am of course.”

“Some kind of counselor,” said Katie.

Dad looked blank.

“I’m sure Dr. Barghoutian could refer you.”

Dad continued to look blank. She pictured him sitting in a little room with a box of tissues on the table and some bushy-tailed young man in a cardigan and she could see his point. But she didn’t want to be the only person on the receiving end of this. “You need help.”

There was a bang from the kitchen. Then a wail. Dad didn’t react to either noise.

Katie said, “I’ve got to go.”

He didn’t react to this either. He said very quietly, “I’ve wasted my life.”

She said, “You haven’t wasted your life,” in a voice she normally reserved for Jacob.

“Your mother doesn’t love me. I spent thirty years doing a job that meant nothing to me. And now…” He was crying. “It hurts so much.”

“Dad, please.”

“There are these little red spots on my arm,” said Dad.

“What?”

“I can’t even bring myself to look at them.”

“Dad, listen.” She put her hands to the side of her head to help her concentrate. “You’re anxious. You’re depressed. You’re…whatever. It’s got nothing to do with Mum. It’s got nothing to do with your job. It’s happening inside your head.”

“I’m sorry,” said Dad. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Christ, Dad. You’ve got a nice house. You’ve got money. You’ve got a car. You’ve got someone to look after you…” She was angry. It was the anger she’d been saving for Ray. But she couldn’t really do anything about it, not now the lid was off. “You haven’t wasted your life. That’s bollocks.”

She hadn’t said bollocks to Dad for ten years. She needed to get out of the room before things really started to go downhill.

“Sometimes I can’t breathe.” He made no attempt to wipe the tears from his face. “I start sweating, and I know something dreadful is about to happen, but I have no idea what it is.”

Then she remembered. That lunchtime. Him running out and sitting on the patio.

Downstairs Jacob had stopped wailing.

“It’s called a panic attack,” she said. “Everyone has them. OK, maybe not everyone. But lots of people. You’re not strange. Or special. Or different.” She was slightly alarmed by the tone of her own voice. “There are drugs. There are ways of sorting these things out. You have to go and see someone. This is not just about you. You have to do something. You have to stop being selfish.”

She seemed to have veered off course somewhere in the middle there.

He said, “Maybe you’re right.”

“There’s no maybe about it.” She waited for her pulse to slow a little. “I’ll talk to Mum. I’ll get her to sort something out.”