“He also had a rather strange sense of humor. When he was teaching, his students began to wonder whether he believed more firmly in Finagle than in Christ. Too many young men were taking his jokes seriously, and going into Holy Orders as a result. His bishop was delighted with all the vocations, but was a bit leery of the reasons—so the Vatican got wind of it. The Curia had its doubts about his sense of humor, too, so they transferred him to Rome, where they could keep an eye on him. As an excuse for this surveillance, they made him Chief Engineer of Television Vatican.

“The term is confusing today, of course; ‘television’ was like 3DT, but with a flat picture; 3DT was originally an abbreviation for ‘three-dimensional television.’ Yes, this was quite a few centuries ago—the Year of Our Lord 2020.

“Well. Father Vidicon was sad to leave-off teaching, but he was overjoyed at actually being able to work with television equipment again… and he didn’t let his nearness to the Pope dampen his enthusiasm; he still insisted on referring to the Creator as ‘the Cosmic Cathode…’ ”

“Praise God, from Whom electrons flow! Praise Him, the Source of all we know! Whose order’s in the stellar host! For in machines, He is the Ghost!”

“Father Vidicon,” Monsignor reproved, “that air has a blasphemous ring.”

“Merely irreverent, Monsignor.” Father Vidicon peered at the oscilloscope and adjusted the pedestal on Camera Two. “But then, you’re a Dominican.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Simply that what you hear may not be what I said.” Father Vidicon leaned over to the switcher and punched up color bars.

“He has a point.” Brother Anson looked up from the TBC circuit board he was diagnosing. “I thought it quite reverent.”

“You would; it was sung.” Monsignor knew that Brother Anson was a Franciscan. “How much longer must I delay my rehearsal, Father Vidicon? I’ve an Archbishop and two Cardinals waiting!”

“You can begin when the camera tube decides to work, Monsignor.” Father Vidicon punched up Camera Two again, satisfied that the oscilloscope was reading correctly. “If you insist on bringing in Cardinals, you must be prepared for a breakdown.”

“I really don’t see why a red cassock would cause so much trouble,” Monsignor grumbled.

“You wouldn’t; you’re a director. But these old plumbicon tubes just don’t like red.” Father Vidicon adjusted the chrominance. “Of course, if you could talk His Holiness into affording a few digital-plate cameras…”

“Father Vidicon, you know what they cost! And we’ve been the Church of the Poor for a century!”

“Four centuries, more likely, Monsignor—ever since Calvin lured the bourgeoisie away from us.”

“We’ve as many Catholics as we had in 1390,” Brother Anson maintained stoutly.

“Yes, that was right after the Black Death, wasn’t it? And the population of the world’s grown a bit since then. I hate to be a naysayer, Brother Anson, but we’ve only a tenth as many of the faithful as we had in 1960. And from the attraction Reverend Sun is showing, we’ll be lucky if we have a tenth of that by the end of the year.”

“We’ve a crisis in cameras at the moment,” the Monsignor reminded. “Could you refrain from discussing the Crisis of Faith until the cameras are fixed?”

“Oh, they’re working—now.” Father Vidicon threw the capping switch and shoved himself away from the camera control unit. “They’ll work excellently for you now, Monsignor, until you start recording.

Monsignor reddened. “And why should they break down then?”

“Because that’s when you’ll need them most.” Father Vidicon grinned. “Television equipment is subject to Murphy’s Law, Monsignor.”

“I wish you were a bit less concerned with Murphy’s Law, and a bit more with Christ’s!”

Father Vidicon shrugged. “If it suits the Lord’s purpose to give authority over entropy into the hands of the Imp of the Perverse, who am I to question Him?”

“For the sake of Heaven, Father, what has the Imp of the Perverse to do with Murphy’s Law?” Monsignor cried.

Father Vidicon shrugged. “Entropy is loss of energy within a system, which is self-defeating; that’s perversity. And Murphy’s Law is perverse. Therefore, both of them, and the Imp, are corollary to Finagle’s General Statement: ‘The perversity of the universe tends toward maximum.’ ”

“Father Vidicon,” Monsignor said severely, “you’ll burn as a heretic someday.”

“Oh, not in this day and age. If the Church condemns me, I can simply join Reverend Sun’s church, like so many of our erstwhile flock.” Seeing the Monsignor turn purple, he turned to the door, adding quickly, “Nonetheless, Monsignor, if I were you, I’d not forget the Litany of the Cameras before I called ‘roll and record.’ ”

“That piece of blasphemy?” the Monsignor exploded. “Father Vidicon, you know the Church has never officially declared St. Clare to be the patron of television!”

“Still, she did see St. Francis die, though she was twenty miles away at the time—the first Catholic instance of ‘television,’ ‘seeing-at-a-distance.’ ” Father Vidicon wagged a forefinger. “And St. Genesius is officially the patron of showmen.”

“Of actors, I’ll remind you—and we’ve none of those here!”

“Yes, I know—I’ve seen your programs. But do remember St. Jude, Monsignor.”

“The patron of the desperate? Why?”

“No, the patron of lost causes—and with these antique cameras, you’ll need him.”

The door opened, and a monk stepped in. “Father Vidicon, you’re summoned to His Holiness.”

Father Vidicon blanched.

“You’d best remember St. Jude yourself, Father,” the Monsignor gloated. Then his face softened into a gentle frown. “And, Lord help us—so had we all.”

 

Father Vidicon knelt and kissed the Pope’s ring, with a surge of relief—if the ring was offered, things couldn’t be all that bad.

“On your feet, Father,” Pope Clement said grimly.

Father Vidicon scrambled to his feet. “Come now, Your Holiness! You know it’s all just in fun! A bit irreverent, perhaps, but nonetheless only levity! I don’t really believe in Maxwell’s Demon—not quite. And I know Finagle’s General Statement is really fallacious—the perversity’s in us, not in the universe. And St. Clare…”

“Peace, Father Vidicon,” His Holiness said wearily. “I’m sure your jokes aren’t a threat to the Church—and I’m not particularly worried by irreverence. If Christ could take a joke, so can we.”

Father Vidicon frowned. “Christ took a joke?”

“He accepted human existence, didn’t He? But I’ve called you here for something a bit more serious than your contention that Christ acted as a civil engineer when He said that Peter was a rock, and upon that rock He’d build His Church.”

“Oh.” Father Vidicon tried to look appropriately grave. “If it’s that feedback squeal in the public address system in St. Peter’s, I’ll do what I can, but…”

“No, I’m afraid it’s a bit more critical.” The hint of a smile tugged at the Pope’s lips. “You’re aware that the faithful have been leaving us in increasing droves these past twenty years, of course.”

Father Vidicon shrugged. “What can you expect, Your Holiness? With television turning everyone toward a Gestalt mode of thought, they’ve become more and more inclined toward mysticism, needing doctrines embracing the Cosmos and making them feel vitally integrated with it; but the Church still offers only petrified dogma, and logical reasoning. Of course they’ll turn to the ecstatics, to a video demagogue like Reverend Sun, with his hodge-podge to T’ai-Ping Christianity and Zen Buddhism…”

“Yes, yes, I know the theories.” His Holiness waved Father Vidicon’s words away, covering his eyes with the other palm. “Spare me your McLuhanist cant, Father. But you’ll be glad to know the Council has just finished deciding which parts of Chardin’s theories are compatible with Catholic doctrine.”