"Yes?" said the man, without much surprise. "Magic, is it?"

"Yes."

"Something in the wood, is it?"

"Yes."

"Good job we didn't build the sodding horse out of it, then."

"Yes."

"Got into it by magic, did you?"

"Yes."

"Thought so." He threw another sandwich at the Luggage. "Where you from?"

Rincewind decided to come clean. "The future," he said. This didn't have the expected effect. The man just nodded.

"Oh," he said, and then he said, "Did we win?"

"Yes."

"Oh. I suppose you can't remember the results of any horse races?" said the man, without much hope.

"No."

"I thought you probably wouldn't. why did you open the gate for us?"

It occurred to Rincewind that saying it was because he had always been a firm admirer of the Ephebian political position would not, strangely enough, be the right thing to do. He decided to try the truth again. It was a novel approach and worth experimenting with.

"I was looking for a way out," he said.

"To run away."

"Yes."

"Good man. Only sensible thing, in the circumstances." He noticed Eric, who was staring at the other captains clustered around their table and deep in argument.

"You, lad," he said. "Want to be a soldier when you grow up?"

"No, sir."

The man brightened a bit.

"That's the stuff," he said.

"I want to be a eunuch, sir," Eric added.

Rincewind's head turned as though it was being dragged.

"Why?" he said, and then came up with the obvious answer at the same as Eric: "Because you get to work in the harem all day long," they chorused slowly.

The captain coughed.

"You're not this boy's teacher, are you?" he said.

"No."

"Do you think anyone has explained to him - ?"

"No."

"Perhaps it would be a good idea if I got one of the centurions to have a word? You'd be amazed at the grasp of language those chaps have got."

"Do him the power of good, I expect," said Rincewind.

The soldier picked up his helmet, sighed, nodded at the sergeant and smoothed out the creases in his cloak. It was a grubby cloak.

"I think I'm expected to tell you off, or something," he said.

"What for?"

"Spoiling the war, apparently."

"Spoiling the war?"

The soldier sighed. "Come on. Let's go for a stroll. Sergeant - you and a couple of lads, please."

A stone whistled down from the fort high above them, and shattered.

"They can hold out for bloody weeks, up there." Said the soldier gloomily, as they walked away with the Luggage padding patiently behind them. "I'm Lavaeolus. Who're you?"

"He's my demon," said Eric.

Lavaeolus raised an eyebrow, the closest he ever came to expressing surprise at anything

"Is he? I suppose it takes all sorts. Any good at getting into places, is he?"

"He's more the getting-out kind," said Eric.

"Right," said Lavaeolus. He stopped beside a building and walked up and down a bit with his hands in his pockets, tapping on the flagstones with the toe of his sandal.

"Just here, I think, sergeant," he said after a while.

"Right you are, sir."

"Look at that lot, will you?" said Lavaeolus, while the sergeant and his men started to lever up the stones. "That bunch around the table. Brave lads, I'll grant you, but look at them. Too busy posing for triumphant statues and making sure the historians spell their names right. Bloody years we've been laying siege to this place. More military, they said. You know, they actually enjoy it? I mean, when all's said and done, who cares? Let's just get it over with and go home, that's what I say."

"Found it, sir," said the sergeant.

"Right." Lavaeolus didn't look round. "O-kay." He rubbed his hands together. "Let's sort this out, and then we can get an early night. Would you care to accompany me? Your pet might be useful."

"What are we going to do?" said Rincewind suspiciously.

"We're just going to meet some people."

"Is it dangerous?"

A stone smashed through the roof of a building nearby.

"No, not really," said Lavaeolus. "Compared to staying here, I mean. And if the rest to them try to storm the place, you know, in a proper military way - "

The hole led into a tunnel. The tunnel, after winding a bit, led to stairs. Lavaeolus mooched along it, occasionally kicking bits of fallen masonry as if he had a personal grudge against them.

"Er," said Rincewind, "where does this lead?"

"Oh, it's just a secret passageway into the centre of this citadel."

"You know, I thought it would be something like that," said Rincewind. "I've got an instinct for it, you know. And I expect all the really top Tsorteans will be up there, will they?"

"I hope so," said Lavaeolus, trudging up the steps.

"With lots of guards?"

"Dozens, I imagine."

"Highly trained, too?"

Lavaeolus nodded. "The best."

"And this is where we're going," said Rincewind, determined to explore the full horror of the plan as one probes the site of a rotting tooth.

"That's right."

"All six of us."

"And your box, of course."

"Oh, yes," said Rincewind, making a face in the darkness.

The sergeant tapped him gently on the shoulder and leaned forward.

"Don't you worry about the captain, sir" he said. "He's got the finest military brain on the continent."

"How do you know? Has anyone ever seen it?" said Rincewind.

"You see, sir, what it is, he likes to get it over with without anyone getting hurt, sir, especially him. That's why he dreams up things like the horse, sir. And bribing people and that. We got into civvies last night and come in and got drunk in a pub with one of the palace cleaners, see, and found out about this tunnel."

"Yes, but secret passages!" said Rincewind. "There'll be guards and everything at the other end!"

"No, sir. They use it to store the cleaning things, sir."

There was a clang in the darkness ahead of them. Lavaeolus had tripped over a mop.

"Sergeant?"

"Sir?"

"Just open the door, will you?"

Eric was tugging at Rincewind's robe.

"What?" said Rincewind testily.

"You know who Lavaeolus is, don't you?" whispered Eric.

"Well -"

"He's Lavaeolus!"

"Get away?"

"Don't you know the Classics?"

"That isn't one of these horse race we're supposed to remember, is it?"

Eric rolled his eyes. "Lavaeolus was responsible for the fall of Tsort, on account of being so cunning," he said. "And then afterwards it took him ten years to get home and he had all sorts of adventures with temptresses and sirens and sensual witches."

"Well I can see why you've been studying him. Ten years, eh? Where did he live?"

"About two hundred miles away," said Eric earnestly.

"Kept getting lost, did he?"

"And when he got home he fought his wife's suitors and everything, and his dear dog recognised him and died."

"Oh, dear."

"It was the carrying his slippers in its mouth for fifteen years that killed it off."

"Shame."

"And you know what, demon? All this hasn't happened yet. We could save him all that trouble!"

Rincewind thought about this. "We could tell him to get a better navigator, for a start," he said.

There was a creak. The soldiers had got the door open.

"Everyone fall in, or whatever the bloody stupid command is," said Lavaeolus. "The magic box to the front, please. No killing anyone unless it's really necessary. Try not to damage things. Right. Forward."

The door led into a column-lined corridor. There was the distant murmur of voices.

The troop crept towards the sound until it reached a heavy curtain. Lavaeolus took a deep breath, pushed it aside and stepped forward and launched into a prepared speech.

"Now, I want to make myself absolutely clear," he said. "I don't want there to be any unpleasantness of any kind, or any shouting for guards and so forth. Or indeed any shouting at all. We will just take the young lady and go home, which is where anyone of any sense ought to be. Otherwise I shall really have to put everyone to the sword, and I hate having to do things like that."