So ends the Tale of the Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail. Let's leave him there, in his hammock under the shade trees. So far as I know, he is still there.

VARIATIONS ON A THEME-III

Domestic Problems

"After more than two thousand years, Lazarus?"

"Why not, Ira? Dave was my age, near enough as not to matter. I'm still here."

"Yes, but- Was David Lamb a member of the Families? Under another name? There is no 'Lamb' in the lists."

"I never asked, Ira. Nor did he ever offer me a password. In those days a member kept the fact to himself. Or, if he was, Dave might not have known it, since he left home so young and so abruptly. Back then a youngster wasn't told until he or she was old enough to think about marriage. Eighteen for boys, usually, and sixteen for girls. Reminds me what a shock it was when I was told-at less than eighteen. By Gramp, because I was about to do something foolish. Son, one of the weirdest things about the human animal is that it grows up physically years and years before its brain grows up. I was seventeen, young and horny and wanted to get married the worst way. Gramp took me out behind the barn and convinced, me that it was indeed the worst way.

"'Woodie,' he said, 'if you want to elope with this girl, nobody will stop you."

"I told him belligerently that nobody could stop me, because just over the state line I could swing it without my parents' consent.

"'That's what I'm telling you," he said. "Nobody will stop you. But nobody will help you. Not your parents, nor your other grandparents-nor me. Not a one of us will even stake you to the price of a marriage license, much less help you support a wife. Not a dollar, Woodie, not a thin dime. If you don't believe me, ask any of them."

I said sullenly that I didn't want any help.

Gramp had bushy eyebrows, they shot up. "Well, well," he said. "Is she going to support you? Have you looked at the "Help Wanted" in the paper lately? If not, be sure to do so. And glance at the financial section while you're about it; reading "Help Wanted" ads won't take you more than thirty seconds.' He added, 'Oh, you can find a job peddling suck brooms from door to door on commission. Which will give you fresh air, healthy exercise, and an opportunity to demonstrate your charm, of which you don't have much. But you won't sell vacuum cleaners; nobody is buying.'

"Ira, I didn't know what he' was talking about. This was January, 1930. Does that date mean anything to you?"

"I'm afraid not, Lazarus. Despite much study of the Families' history, I have to convert those earlier dates into Galactic Standard in order to feel them."

"Don't know as it would be mentioned in the Families' records, Ira. The country-well, the whole planet-had just taken a plunge into an economic fluctuation. 'Depressions,' they called 'em. There were no jobs to be had-at least not for a smart-alec youngster who didn't know anything useful. Which Gramp realized, having been through several of these swings. But not me. I was sure I could grab the world by the tail and swing it over my shoulders What I didn't know was that graduate engineers were taking jobs as janitors and lawyers were driving milk wagons. And ex-millionaires were jumping out windows. But I was too busy sniffing after girls to notice."

"Senior, I've read about economic depressions. But I've never understood what caused them."

Lazarus Long went tsk-tsk. "And yet you are in charge of a whole planet."

"Perhaps I shouldn't be," I admitted.

"Don't be so confounded humble. I'll let you in on a secret: At that time nobody knew what caused them. Even the Howard Foundation might have gone broke had not Ira Howard left firm instructions about how the fund must be handled. On the other hand, everybody, right down to street sweepers and professors of economics, was certain they knew both causes and cures. So almost every remedy was tried-and none worked. That depression continued until the country blundered into a war-which didn't cure what was wrong; it just masked the symptoms with a high fever."

"Well...what was wrong, Grandfather?" I persisted.

"Do I look smart enough to answer that, Ira? I've gone broke many times. Sometimes financially, sometimes through abandoning my baggage to save my skin. Um. Be durned if I'll offer any fancy explanations but-what happens when you control machinery by positive feedback?"

I was startled. "I'm not sure I understand you,, Lazarus. One doesn't control machinery by positive feedback-at least I can't think of a case. Positive feedback will cause any system to oscillate out of control."

"Go to the head of the class. Ira, I'm suspicious of arguments by analogy-but from what I've seen over the centuries, there doesn't seem to be anything that a government can do to an economy that does not act as positive feedback, or as a brake. Or both. Maybe someday, somewhere, someone smart as Andy Libby will figure out a way to tinker with the Law of Supply and Demand to make it work better, instead of letting it go its own cruel way. Maybe. But I've never seen it. Though God knows everybody has tried. Always with the best of intentions.

"Good intentions are no substitute for knowing how a buzz saw works, Ira; the worst criminals in history have been loaded with good intentions. But you got me sidetracked into making a speech when I was telling you how I happened not to get married."

"Sorry, Grandfather."

"Hummph! Can't you be rude occasionally? I'm a garrulous old man who has crowded you into wasting time listening to trivia. You ought to resent it."

I grinned at him. "So I resent it. You are a garrulous old man who demands that I cater to your every whim...and I am a very busy man with serious matters worrying me and you've wasted half a day of my time telling me a yarn-pure fiction, I feel certain-about a man who was so lazy he always succeeded. Intended to irritate me, I think. When you implied that this fictional character was a long-lifer, you evaded a simple question about it and started talking about your grandfather. This-Admiral Ram, you said?-was he redheaded?"

"'Lamb,' Ira-'Donald Lamb.' Or was that his brother? It's been a long time. Odd that you should ask about his hair-as that reminds me of another naval officer in that same war who was just the opposite of-Donald? No, 'David.' Just the opposite of David in every respect save that he had hair so red that Loki would have been proud of it. Tried to choke a Kodiak bear to death. Didn't work of course. It doesn't seem possible that you've ever seen a Kodiak bear, Ira.

"The fiercest carnivore that Earth ever spawned, and outweighed a man ten to one. Claws like scimitars, long yellow teeth, bad breath-and a worse disposition. Yet Lafe tackled him with bare hands...and mind you, when he had no need to. I would have faded over the horizon. Want to hear about Lafe and the bear and the Alaskan salmon?"

"Not now. It sounds like another whopper. You were telling me why you didn't get married."

"So I was. Gramp had just asked me, 'Well, Woodie, how long has she been pregnant?'"

"No, he was explaining that you couldn't support a wife."

"Son, if you know this story, you tell it to me. I emphatically denied any such thing-to which Gramp replied that I lied in my teeth because that was the only reason a seventeen-year-old boy ever wanted to get married. His answer made me especially angry because I had a note in my pocket reading: "'Woodsie dearest-You have knocked me up and all, is Chaos.'"

"Gramp persisted, and I denied it three times, getting angrier and angrier, seeing as how it was true. Finally he says, 'Okay, you've just been holding hands. Has she shown you a pregnancy test report, signed by a doctor?'