VARIATIONS ON A THEME-XIII

Boondock

"Ira," said Lazarus Long, "have you looked at this list?" He was lounging in the office of Colony Leader Ira Weatheral at Boondock, largest (only) settlement on the planet Tertius. With them was Justin Foote 45th, freshly arrived from New Rome, Secundus.

"Lazarus, Arabelle addressed that letter to you. Not to me."

"That preposterous puff-gut will get me annoyed yet. Her Extreme Ubiquity Madam Chairman Pro Tem Arabelle Foote-Hedrick seems to think she has been crowned Queen of the Howards. I'm tempted to go back and pick up that gavel."

Lazarus passed the list to Weatheral. "Give it a gander, Ira. Justin, did you have anything to do with this?"

"No, Senior. Arabelle told me to deliver it and instructed me to brief you in ways to insure delivery of Delay Mail from various eras-which does present problems for pre-Diaspora dates. But I don't consider her ideas practical. If I may say so, I know more Terran history than she does."

"I'm certain you do. I think she cribbed that list from an encyclopedia. Don't bother me with her notions. Oh, you can transcribe them and give me the cube, but I shan't play it. I want your ideas. Justin."

"Thank you, Ancestor-"

"Call me 'Lazarus.'"

"'Lazarus.' The official reason for my visit is to report to her on this colony-"

"Justin," Ira put in quickly, "does Arabelle think she has jurisdiction over Tertius?"

"I'm afraid so, Ira."

Lazarus snorted. "Well, she hasn't. But she's so far away it can't hurt if she wants to call herself 'Empress of Tertius.' Our situation is this, Justin. Ira is Colony Leader, we are still shaking down. I'm Mayor-Ira does the work, but I bang the gavel at community meetings-there are always colonists who think that a colony can operate like a big-city planet, so I preside to throw cold water on damfoolishness. When I'm ready to start this time-travel junket, we'll eliminate the job of Colony Leader and Ira will take over as Mayor.

"But feel free to look over the joint, count noses, examine any records, do as you like. Welcome to Tertius, the biggesi little colony this side of Galactic Center. Make yourself at home, son."

"Thank you. Lazarus, I would be staying-colonizing-but I want to remain Chief Archivist until I finish editing your memoirs."

Lazarus said, "Oh, that junk-burn it up! Gather ye rosebuds, man!"

Ira said, "Lazarus, don't talk that way. I put up with your whims for years to get it on record."

"Piffle. I paid you back when I grabbed the gavel and kept the Ugly Duchess from banishing you to Felicity. You got what you want-why do you care about my memoirs?"

"I care."

"Well- Maybe Justin can edit them here. Athene! Pallas Athene, are you there, honey?"

"Listening, Lazarus," came a sweet soprano voice from a speaker over Ira's desk.

"Your memories include my memoirs, do they not?"

"Certainly, Lazarus. Every word you've spoken since Ira rescued you-"

"Not 'rescued,' dear. Kidnapped."

"Revision. -since Ira kidnapped you from that flophouse, and all your earlier memoirs."

"Thanks, dear. You see, Justin? If you must do buttonsorting, do it here. Unless you have unfinished business on Secundus? Family, or such?"

"No family. Grown children but no wife. My deputy is doing my job, and I've nominated her as my successor- subject to approval by the Trustees. But I find myself startled. Uh-how about my ship?"

"My ship, you mean. I don't mean my yacht 'Dora' but that one-man autopacket you arrived in. The 'Homing Pigeon.' Belongs to a corporation owned by another corporation of which I am major stockholder. I'll accept delivery and that saves Arabelle half the lease time."

"So? Madam Chairman Pro Tem did not lease that auto-packet, Lazarus; she requisitioned it for public service."

"Well, well!" Lazarus grinned. "Maybe I'll sue her. Justin, there is nothing in the Articles of Contract under which Secundus was colonized that permits requisition of private property by the state. Correct, Ira?"

"Technically correct, Lazarus. Although there is long precedent for eminent domain in land."

"Ira, I'd argue even that. But have you ever heard of it being applied to spaceships?"

"Never. Unless you count the 'New Frontiers.'"

"Ouch! Ira, I didn't requisition the 'New Frontiers'; I stole it to save our skins."

"I was thinking of Slayton Ford's part in it, not yours. Constructive requisitioning, perhaps?"

"Mmm- It's pretty small of you to bring it up a couple of thousand years after his death. Furthermore, had Slayton not, done what he did, I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be here. Nor any of us. Damn you, Ira."

"Get your feathers down, Grandfather. I was just pointing out that a head of state sometimes has to do things he would never do as a private individual. But if Arabelle can requisition the 'Homing Pigeon' when it sits on Secundus, then you can do the same on Tertius. You are each head of state of an autonomous planet. Teach her a lesson."

"Uh...Ira, don't tempt me. It happened to me once. If it got to be a habit, it would put a stop to interstellar travel. I won't touch that bucket under any such flimsy legality. But I do own it, indirectly, and if Justin wants to stay, he can turn it over to me, and I'll return it to Transport Enterprises. Let's get back to that list. See what the old bat wants? The times and places she wants me to report on?"

"Looks like an interesting itinerary."

"It does, eh? Then you do it. 'Battle of Hastings-First, Third, and Fourth Crusades-Battle of Orleans-Fall of Constantinople-French Revolution-Battle of Waterloo.' Thermopylae and nineteen other encounters between rough strangers. I'm surprised she didn't ask me to referee the bout between David and Goliath. I'm chicken, Ira. I fight when I can't run-how does she think I managed to live so long? Bloodshed is not a spectator sport. If history says that a battle took place at a given location on a particular day, then I'll be somewhere-or somewhen-far away, sitting in a tavern, drinking beer and pinching the barmaids. Not dodging mortar fire to feed Arabelle's ghoulish curiosity."

"I tried to suggest that," said Justin. "But she said that this was an official Families' project."

"The hell it is. I told her about it simply to be sure of the Delay Mail setup. I'm a coward by trade...and not working for her. I'll go where and when I please, see what I want to- and try not to antagonize local yokels. Especially those fighting each other; it makes 'em trigger-happy."

"Lazarus," said Ira Weatheral, "you never have said what you do plan to see."

"Well- No battles. Battles are well enough reported for my taste. But there are lots of interesting things in Terran history-peaceful things not well reported because they were peaceful. I want to see the Parthenon at the peak of its glory. Cruise down the Mississippi with Sam Clemens as pilot. Go to Palestine in the first three decades of the Christian Era and try to locate a certain carpenter turned rabbi-settle whether there ever was such a man."

Justin Foote looked surprised. "You mean the Christian Messiah? Admittedly many stories about him are myths, but-"

"How do you know they are myths? But that he ever lived is the point that has never been established. Take Socrates, four centuries earlier-his historicity is as firmly established as that of Napoleon. Not so with the Carpenter of Nazareth. Despite the care with which the Romans kept records and the equal care with which the Jews kept theirs, none of the events that should be on record can be found in contemporary records.

"But if I devoted thirty years to it, I could find out. I know Latin and Greek of that time and I'm almost as conversant with classic Hebrew; all I would have to add is Aramaic. If I found him, I could follow him around. Take down his words with a microrecorder, see if they match what he is alleged to have said.