«They'll attack you on it.»
«So they will. Let them. We'll pick up votes.»
«Glad to hear that you still have the strength of your convictions, Joseph. I never liked having the banner of Orange on a convict ship. Free trade?»
«After the election, yes.»
«What are you going to use for revenue?»
«It is our contention that trade and production will expand so rapidly that other revenues will make up for the loss of customs.»
«And suppose it ain't so?»
I had not been given a second-string answer on that one — and economics was largely a mystery to me. I grinned. «Willem, I'll have to have notice on that question. But the whole program of the Expansionist Party is founded on the notion that free trade, free travel, common citizenship, common currency, and a minimum of Imperial laws and restrictions are good not only for the citizens of the Empire but for the Empire itself. If we need the money, we'll find it — but not by chopping the Empire up into tiny bailiwicks.» All but the first sentence was pure Bonforte, only slightly adapted.
«Save your campaign speeches,» he grunted. «I simply asked.» He picked up the list again. «You're quite sure this line-up is the way you want it?»
I reached for the list and he handed it to me. Damnation, it was clear that the Emperor was telling me as emphatically as the constitution would let him that, in his opinion, Braun was a wrong'un. But, hell's best anthracite, I had no business changing the list Bill and Rog had made up.
On the other hand, it was not Bonforte's list; it was merely what they thought Bonforte would do if he were compos mentis.
I wished suddenly that I could take time out and ask Penny what she thought of Braun.
Then I reached for a pen from Willem's desk, scratched out «Braun,» and printed in «de la Torre» — in block letters; I still could not risk Bonforte's handwriting. The Emperor merely said, «It looks like a good team to me. Good luck, Joseph. You'll need it.»
That ended the audience as such. I was anxious to get away, but you do not walk out on a king; that is one prerogative they have retained. He wanted to show me his workshop and his new train models. I suppose he has done more to revive that ancient hobby than anyone else; personally I can't see it as an occupation for a grown man. But I made polite noises about his new toy locomotive, intended for the «Royal Scotsman.»
«If I had had the breaks,» he said, getting down on his hands and knees and peering into the innards of the toy engine, «I could have been a very fair shop superintendent, I think — a master machinist. But the accident of birth discriminated against me.»
«Do you really think you would have preferred it, Willem?»
«I don't know. This job I have is not bad. The hours are easy and the pay is good — and the social security is first-rate — barring the outside chance of revolution, and my line has always been lucky on that score. But much of the work is tedious and could be done as well by any second-rate actor.» He glanced up at me. «I relieve your office of a lot of tiresome cornerstone-laying and parade-watching, you know.»
«I do know and I appreciate it.»
«Once in a long time I get a chance to give a little push in the right direction — what I think is the right direction. Kinging is a very odd profession, Joseph. Don't ever take it up.»
«I'm afraid it's a bit late, even if I wanted to.»
He made some fine adjustment on the toy. «My real function is to keep you from going crazy.»
«Eh?»
«Of course. Psychosis-situational is the occupational disease of heads of states. My predecessors in the king trade, the ones who actually ruled, were almost all a bit balmy. And take a look at your American presidents; the job used frequently to kill them in their prime. But me, I don't have to run things; I have a professional like yourself to do it for me. And you don't have the killing pressure either; you, or those in your shoes, can always quit if things get too tough — and the old Emperor — it's almost always the “old” Emperor; we usually mount the throne about the age other men retire — the Emperor is always there, maintaining continuity, preserving the symbol of the state, while you professionals work out a new deal.» He blinked solemnly. «My job is not glamorous, but it is useful.»
Presently he let up on me about his childish trains and we went back into his office. I thought I was about to be dismissed. In fact, he said, «I should let you get back to your work. You had a hard trip?»
«Not too hard. I spent it working.»
«I suppose so. By the way, who are you?»
There is the policeman's tap on the shoulder, the shock of the top step that is not there, there is falling out of bed, and there is having her husband return home unexpectedly — I would take any combination of those in preference to that simple inquiry. I aged inside to match my appearance and more.
«Sire?»
«Come now,» he said impatiently, «surely my job carries with it some privileges. Just tell me the truth. I've known for the past hour that you were not Joseph Bonforte — though you could fool his own mother; you even have his mannerisms. But who are you?»
«My name is Lawrence Smith, Your Majesty,» I said faintly.
«Brace up, man! I could have called the guards long since, if I had been intending to. Were you sent here to assassinate me?»
«No, Sire. I am — loyal to Your Majesty.»
«You have an odd way of showing it. Well, pour yourself another drink, sit down, and tell me about it.»
I told him about it, every bit. It took more than one drink, and presently I felt better. He looked angry when I told him of the kidnapping, but when I told him what they had done to Bonforte's mind his face turned dark with a Jovian rage.
At last he said quietly, «It's just a matter of days until he is back in shape, then?»
«So Dr. Capek says.»
«Don't let him go to work until he is fully recovered. He's a valuable man. You know that, don't you? Worth six of you and me. So you carry on with the doubling job and let him get well. The Empire needs him.»
«Yes, Sire.»
«Knock off that “Sire.” Since you are standing in for him, call me “Willem,” as he does. Did you know that was how I spotted you?»
«No, Si — no, Willem.»
«He's called me Willem for twenty years. I thought it decidedly odd that he would quit it in private simply because he was seeing me on state business. But I did not suspect, not really. But, remarkable as your performance was, it set me thinking. Then when we went in to see the trains, I knew.»
«Excuse me? How?»
«You were polite, man! I've made him look at my trains in the past — and he always got even by being as rude as possible about what a way for a grown man to waste time. It was a little act we always went through. We both enjoyed it.»
«Oh. I didn't know.»
«How could you have known?» I was thinking that I should have known, that damned Farleyfile should have told me ... It was not until later that I realized that the file had not been defective, in view of the theory on which it was based, i.e. it was intended to let a famous man remember details about the less famous. But that was precisely what the Emperor was not — less famous, I mean. Of course Bonforte needed no notes to recall personal details about Willem! Nor would he consider it proper to set down personal matters about the sovereign in a file handled by his clerks.
I had muffed the obvious — not that I see how I could have avoided it, even if I had realized that the file would be incomplete.
But the Emperor was still talking. «You did a magnificent job — and after risking your life in a Martian nest I am not surprised that you were willing to tackle me. Tell me, have I ever seen you in stereo, or anywhere?»