CHAPTER 57

Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had now reached the final room of the initiative test. They had just carefully circumnavigated a large pool of aggressive looking slime, which was perfectly harmless apart from the smell. If they had touched any part of the slime, the smell would have stayed with them for life. As most potential employees couldn't avoid the slime, the Marketing Division came up with the slogan 'You may think our products stink, but you should meet our employees' as a possible replacement for 'Share and enjoy'.

The only reasons Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had reached this final room were luck, bad taste and the fact that the initiative test wasn't designed for three people who spent more time arguing about what to do than doing anything at all. Most potential hazards got so bored waiting, they went off to pester someone else.

The final room contained two exit doors, a large screen and three weary hitchhikers.

"So this is it," said Arthur. "We're going to get out of here."

"I told you I'd get you through," said Zaphod.

"When?" Asked Ford.

"Earlier," said Zaphod. "Didn't I? Well if I didn't, I sure meant to. You should have known you could rely on me."

"Rely on you!" Exclaimed Arthur. "That's a bit of a contradiction in terms. It's like saying 'Flat Pack Easy Assembly' or 'Military Intelligence'."

"Haven't I given you guidance?" Demanded Zaphod.

"Guidance?" Yelled Ford. "Climbing up the wall screaming 'Slime, slime, don't let it touch me' is not my idea of guidance."

"Hey! Get offa my case," said Zaphod. "Wasn't it me who discovered the gravity walls around the slime?"

"I didn't like the look of that stuff," said Arthur. "It reminded me of stuff on Earth that was put on hamburgers disguised as relish."

"And I really relish the thought of getting outta here guys," whined Zaphod. "So can we please get a move on?"

As Zaphod spoke, the large screen lit up. An old, balding head wearing glasses appeared. He had the look of a traffic warden with piles. Totally humourless was a very generous description of the look on his face.

"You have reached the final room of the initiative test," began the Face. "And your final test. You must decide which of these two doors to pass through, one being an exit door to the offices and the other is a true exit door off this mortal coil in a horrible fashion. I can help you by answering one question about the doors but be warned, I can only say one true sentence and the rest lies or one false sentence and the rest the truth."

"Terrific," sighed Ford. The Face remained motionless.

"Well?" Asked Zaphod. "Let's have some help, oh happy hologram."

"I am an incredible liar." Stated the Face.

"Which door is safe?" Asked Arthur.

"The left door is perfectly safe," said the Face.

"If he said he was a liar then that was the truth, so the right door must be safe," said Arthur, heading towards the door.

"Wait!" Yelled Ford. "I'm not sure. If he lied about being a liar, then the left door is perfectly safe. Let's make an effort to get our heads around this concept."

"Listen, all I want to get my heads around is a stiff drink, preferably served by a wench with obscene tendencies," said Zaphod. "Let Arthur go."

"What?" Shouted Arthur. "I could die!"

"You could save the life of the editor of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, man!" Retorted Zaphod. "Get your priorities right. Sheesh, your grip of universal importance is as good as my grip on Eccentrica Gallumbits' bits at this very moment in time. We could both do with taking things in hand a bit more."

"Look, petty in-fighting won't help us," said Ford, trying to calm things down.

"Why not?" Said Arthur. "That's all this poor excuse for an intergalactic waste disposal unit in reverse seems to show any aptitude for."

"Listen pal, if we're talking about aptitude, let me get a banana and see if you can manage to peel it without scratching your arse thinking about it," snarled Zaphod.

"Will you two just give it a rest," pleaded Ford. "Let's just devote our energy to solving this problem. Now let's think."

CHAPTER 58

Marvin, Trillian, Fenchurch and Bolo had finally reached the main computer room. An imposing oak door barred the way.

"Only executives are allowed to enter," said Marvin. "I'll go into a interface room to get us in."

"How?" Asked Bolo.

"Because he's got the brain the size of a planet," said Trillian. "Beat you to it, Marvin."

"I wasn't going to say it anyway," said Marvin. "I was going to say that the executives are as stupid as all other life forms. A digital watch could get in without too much trouble." He went into the interface room.

"He seemed to cheer up a bit after he killed Percival," remarked Fenchurch.

"Remember he's in a new body," said Trillian. "He's probably found a pleasure circuit and doesn't know what to do with it."

They all stared at the door. Nothing happened. Well that wasn't strictly true. The high level of static acid given off by Marvin's attitude was eating its way into the door. The acid gnawed and corroded the helpless door. However, as this was invisible to the naked or even half dressed eye and total corrosion would take 1.347 million years (thirty years short of redecoration which would reverse the process), it would be fair to say that as far as Fenchurch, Bolo and Trillian were concerned, nothing happened. Trillian went over to the interface room, opened the door and was shocked. A female android was spreadeagled on a table, with Marvin perched precariously on top.

"Do you mind?" Said Marvin.

Trillian muttered a very apologetic apology and shut the door. She was tempted to open the door again just to prove to herself that reality hadn't gone AWOL. After a minute Marvin opened the door and shut it behind him.

"Haven't you ever seen a robot interfacing before?" Asked Marvin.

Trillian mouth was stuck in neutral but she managed to gesture a negative response.

"I'd like to tell you about the bugs and the bytes and explain the difference between male and female interface plugs," said Marvin. "But it's dead boring."

"The door's open!" Said Fenchurch.

"And life is dull," said Marvin. "Why state the obvious?"

What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universes best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it's never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don't let on as it give them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section).

Interface - Sex

(The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices)

Terminals - Breasts

Twin floppy disks - Breasts

Joystick - Penis

(It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people)

User defined function - Sexual act (usually kinky)

Stand alone - Wanker

Cluster - Group sex

Replication - Conception