"It's useless to try to plan for the unex-

pected ... by definition!"

—A. HITCHCOCK

ACTUALLY, it was more like an hour before we were

really ready to go, though for me it seemed like a lot

longer. Still, even I had to admit that not taking the

proper preparations for this venture would not only be

foolish, it would be downright suicidal!

It was decided that Nunzio would stay behind so there

would be someone at our base to let Tananda and

Chumley know what was going on when they returned.

Needless to say, he was less than thrilled by the assign-

ment.

"But I'm supposed to be your bodyguard!" he ar-

gued. "How'm I supposed to guard you if I'm sittin'

back here while you're on the front lines?"

"By being sure our support troops get the informa-

tion they need to follow us," I said.

As much as I disliked having to argue with Nunzio, I

would rather dig in my heels against half a dozen Mob-

type bodyguards than have to explain to Tananda and

30

MYTH-ING PERSONS 31

Chumley why they weren't included in this rescue mis-

sion.

"We could leave a note."

"No."

"We could...."

"NO! I want you here. Is that plain enough?"

The bodyguard heaved a heavy sigh. "Okay, Boss.

I'll hang in here until they show up. Then the three of us

will...."

"No!" I said again. "Then Tananda and Chumley

will come in after us. You're going to stay here."

"But Boss...."

"Because if Hay-ner and his crew show up again,

someone has to be here to let them know we're on the

job and that we haven't just taken off for the tall

timber. Assuming for the moment that we're going to

make it back, we need our exit route, and you're going

to be here making sure it stays open. All we need is for

our hosts to move in a new tenant while we're gone...

say, someone who decides to brick up this door while

we're on the other side."

Nunzio thought this through in silence.

"What if you don't come back?" he asked finally.

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," I

sighed. "But remember, we aren't that easy to kill. At

least one of us will probably make it back."

Fortunately, my mind was wrenched away from that

unpleasant train of thought by the arrival of Guido.

"Ready to go. Boss."

Despite the desperateness of the situation and the

haunting time pressures, I found myself gaping at him.

"What's that?" I managed at last.

Guido was decked out in a long dark coat and wear-

ing a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses.

"These? These are my work clothes," he said

32 Robert Asprin

proudly. "They're functional as well as decorative."

"They're what?"

"What I mean is, not only do people find 'em in-

timidating, the trench coat has all these little pockets in-

side, see? That's where I carry my hardware."

"But...."

"Hi, Hot Stuff. Nice outfit, Guido."

"Thanks! I was just telling the Boss here about it."

Massha was dressed ... or should I say undressed in

her work clothes. A brief vest struggled to cover even

part of her massive torso, while an even briefer bottom

was on the verge of surrendering its battle completely.

"Ummm ....assha?" I said carefully. "I've always

meant to ask. Why don't you... ummm... wear

more?"

"I like to dress cool when we're going into a hot situa-

tion," she winked. "You see, when things speed up, I

get a little nervous... and the only thing worse than

havin' a fat broad around is havin' a sweaty fat broad

around."

"I think it's a sexy outfit," Guido chimed in. "Re-

minds me of the stuff my old man's moll used to wear."

"Well thanks. Dark and Deadly. I'd say your old

man had good taste ... but I never tasted him."

I studied them thoughtfully as they shared a laugh

over Massha's joke. Any hope of a quiet infiltration of

this unknown dimension was rapidly disintegrating.

Either Guido or Massha alone was eye-catching, but

together they were about as inconspicuous as a circus

parade and an army maneuver sharing the same road.

Then it occurred to me that, not knowing what things

were like where we were heading, they might fit in and /

would stand out. It was a frightening thought. If every-

body there looked like this....

I forced the thought from my mind. No use scaring

MYTH-ING PERSONS 33

myself any more than I had to before there was in-

formation to back it up. What was important was that

my two assistants were scared. They were trying hard

not to show it, but in doing so, each was dropping into

old patterns, slipping behind old character masks.

Guido was playing his "tough gangster" bit to the hilt,

while Massha was once more assuming her favorite

"vamp" character with a vengeance. The bottom line,

though, was that, scared or not, they were willing to

back my move or die trying. It would have been touch-

ing, if it weren't for the fact that it meant they were

counting on me for leadership. That meant I had to stay

calm and confident... no matter how scared I felt my-

self. It only occurred to me as an afterthought that, in

many ways, leadership was the mask / was learning to

slip behind when things got tight. It made me wonder

briefly if anyone ever really knew what they were doing

or felt truly confident, or if life was simply a mass game

of role-playing.

"Okay. Are we ready?" I asked, shrugging off my

wandering thoughts. "Massha? Got your jewelry?"

"Wearing most of it, and the rest is right here," she

said, patting the pouch on her belt.

While I will occasionally make snide mental com-

ments about my apprentice's jewelry, it serves a dual

purpose. Massha's baubles are in reality a rather exten-

sive collection of magical gimmicks she has accumulated

over the years. How extensive? Well, before she signed

on as my apprentice to learn real magic, she was holding

down a steady job as the magician for the city-state of

Ta-hoe on the dimension of Jahk solely on the strength

of her collected mechanical "powers." While I agreed

with Aahz that real magic was preferable to mechanical

in that it was less likely to malfunction (a lesson learned

from first-hand experience) I sure didn't mind having

Robert Asprin

34 MYTH-ING PERSONS 35

her arsenal along for back-up.

"You know that tracking ring? The one you used to

find the king? Any chance there's an extra tucked away

in your pouch?"

"Only have the one," she said, waggling the ap-

propriate finger.

I cursed mentally, then made the first of what I feared

would be many unpleasant decisions on this venture.

"Give it to Nunzio. Tananda and Chumley will need

it to find us."

"But if we leave it behind, how are we going to find

your partner?"

"We'll have to figure out something, but we can't

afford to divide our forces. Otherwise, even if we get

Aahz, we could still end up wandering around out there

trying to find the other half of the rescue team."

"If you say so. Hot Stuff," she grimaced, handing

over the ring, "but I hope you know what you're

doing."

"So do I, Massha, so do I. Okay, gang, let's see what

our backyard is really like!"

From the outside, our place looked a lot more impres-

sive than the side that showed in the Bazaar. It really did

look like a castle ... a rather ominous one at that,

squatting alone on a hilltop. I really didn't study it too

close, though, beyond being able to recognize it again

for our trip out. As might be expected, my main atten-

tion was focused on the new dimension itself.

"Kinda dark, ain't it."

Guide's comment was more statement than question,

and he was right.

Wherever we were, the lighting left a lot to be desired.

At first I thought it was night, which puzzled me, as so

far in my travels all dimensions seemed to be on the

same sun-up and sun-down schedule. Then my eyes

adjusted to the gloom and I realized the sky was simply

heavily overcast... to a point where next to no light at

all penetrated, giving a night-like illusion to the day.

Aside from that, from what I could see, this new land

seemed pretty much like any of the others I had visited:

Trees, underbrush, and a road leading to or from the

castle, depending on which way you were facing. I think

it was Tananda who was fond of saying "If you've seen

one dimension, you've seen them all." Chumley, her

brother, argued that the reason for the geologic similari-

ties was that all the dimensions we traveled were differ-

ent realities off the same base. This always struck me as

being a bit redundant... "They're all alike because

they're the same? C'mon Chumley!", but his rebuttals

always left me feeling like I'd been listening to someone

doing readings in another language, so of late I've been

tending to avoid the discussions.

"Well, Hot Stuff, what do we do now?"

For a change, I had an answer for this infuriating

question.

"This road has to go somewhere. Just the fact that it

exists indicates we aren't alone in this dimension."

"I thought we already knew that," Guido said under

his breath. "That's why we're here."

I gave him my best dark glare.

"I believe there was some debate as to whether or not

we were being lied to about Aahz being held prisoner. If

there's a road here, it's a cinch that neither my partner

nor the ones he was chasing built it. That means we have

native types to deal with . .. possibly hostile."