That's when I noticed the whole bar was silent. Looking around, I was surprised to see how many people had come in while we were talking. It was an ugly-looking crowd, but no one seemed to be talking to each other or doing anything. They just stood there looking at me... or to be more exact, looking at the table covered with my money.

Chapter Twelve:

"HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean..."

—ROBIN

"I... THINK I'VE made a tactic... tad... an error," I whispered with as much dignity as I could muster.

"You can say that again," Kalvin shot back mercilessly. "You forgot the first rule of survival: Don't tease the animals. Look, Skeeve, do you want to get out of here, or do you want to get out with your money?"

"Want... my money." I wasn't that drunk... or maybe I was.

The Djin rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"I was afraid of that. That's going to be a little rougher. Okay, the first thing you do is get that gold out of sight. I don't think they'll try anything in here. There are too many witnesses, which means too many ways to split the loot." I obediently began to pick up the coins. My hands seemed to lack the dexterity necessary to lead them back into my moneybelt, so I settled for shoving them into my pockets as best I could.

The bar was no longer silent. There was a low murmur going around that sounded ominous even in my condition as various knots of patrons put their heads together. Even without the dark looks they kept shooting in my direction it wasn't hard to guess what the subject of their conversation was.

"The way I see it, if there's going to be trouble, it will hit when we leave. That means the trick is to leave without their knowing it. Order another pitcher." That's when I realized how much I'd already had to drink.

For a moment there, I thought the Djin had said...

"You want me to..."

"... Order another pitcher, but whatever you do, don't drink any of it."

That made even less sense, but I followed his instructions and gestured at the bartender who delivered another pitcher with impressive speed.

I paid him from my pocket.

-"I don't get it," I said. "Why should I order a pitcher when you say I shouldn't..."

"Shut up and listen," Kalvin hissed. "That was so every body watching you will think you're planning to stick around for a while. In the meantime, we move." That made even less sense than having some more to drink.

"But, Kalvin... most of them are between us and the door! They'll see me..."

"Not out the front door, stupid! You see that little hallway in back? That leads to the restrooms. There's also an exit back there which probably opens into an alley. That's the route we' re taking."

"How do you know there's an exit back there?" I said suspiciously.

"Because one of the things I do when I come into a new bar is count the exits," the Djin retorted. "It's a habit I suggest you develop if you're going to keep drinking."

"Don't want any more to drink," I managed, my stomach suddenly rebelling at the thought.

"Good boy. Easy now. Nice and casual. Head for the restrooms."

I took a deep breath in a vain effort to clear my head, then stood up... or at least I tried to. Somewhere in the process, my foot got tangled in my chair and I nearly lost my balance. I managed not to fall, but the chair went over on its side noisily, drawing more than a few snickers from the roughnecks at the bar.

"That's all right," Kalvin soothed, his voice seeming to come from a great distance. "Now just head down the hallway."

I seemed to be very tall all of a sudden. Moving very carefully, I drew a bead on the opening to the hallway and headed in. I made it without touching the walls on either side and felt a small surge of confidence. Maybe this scheme of Kalvin's would work after all! As he had said, there was an exit door in the wall just short of the restrooms. Without being told, I changed course and pushed out into the alley, easing the door shut behind me. I was out!

"Oops."

I frowned at the Djin.

"What do you mean, ‘Oops!'? Didn't you say I should..."

"Nice of you to drop by, mister!"

That last was said by a burly Pervect, one of six actually who were blocking our path down the alley. Apparently our little act hadn't fooled everybody.

"Skeeve, I..."

"Never mind, Kalvin. I just figured out for myself what ‘Oops' means."

"Of course, you know this here's what you'd call a toll alley. You got to pay to use it."

That was the same individual talking. If he noticed me talking to Kalvin, which to him would look like talking to thin air, he didn't seem to mind or care.

"That's right," one of his cronies chimed in. "We figure what you got in your pockets ought to just about cover it."

"Quick! Back inside!" Kalvin hissed.

"Way ahead of you," I murmured, feeling behind myself for the door.

I found it... sort of. The door was there, but there was no handle on this side. Apparently the bar owners wanted it used for exits only. Terrific.

"... The only question is: Are you gonna give it to us quietly, or are we gonna have to take it?" I've faced lynch mobs, soldiers, and sports fans before, but a half-dozen Pervish plug-uglies was the most frightening force I've ever been confronted with. I decided, all by my self, that this would be an excellent time to delegate a problem.

"C'mon, Kalvin! Do something!

"Like what? I told you I'm no good in a fight."

"Well, do SOMETHING! You're supposed to be the Djin!"

I guess I knew deep inside that carping at Kalvin wouldn't help matters. To my surprise, however, he responded. "Oh, all right!" he grimaced. "Maybe this will help."

With that, he made a few passes with his hands and...

. , . And I was sober! Stone-cold sober!

I looked at him.

"That's all I can do for you," he shrugged. "From here, you're on your own. At least now you won't have to fight ‘em drunk."

The thugs were starting to pick up boards and pieces of brick from the alley.

"Time's up!" their leader declared, starting for me.

I smiled at Kalvin.

"I think your analysis of friendship was only a little short of brilliant," I said, "There are a couple of points I'd like to go over, though."

"NOW?" the Djin shrieked. "This is hardly the time to... Look out!"

The leader of the pack was cocking his arms to take a double-handed swing at me with a piece of lumber he had acquired somewhere along the way. As the wood whistled toward its target, which is to say, my head, I made a circular gesture in the air between us with my hand... and the board rebounded as if it had struck an invisible wall!

"Magikal ward," I informed the gape-mouthed Djin. "It's like a force field, only different. I did mention I was a magician, didn't I!"

The gang stopped dead in their tracks at this display; a few had even retreated a few steps.

"Oh, before I forget, thanks for the sobering-up job, Kalvin. You're right. It does make it a lot easier to focus the mind. Anyway, as I was saying, I've gotten a lot of mileage out of wards. They can be used like I just did,- as a shield, or..."

I made a few quick adjustments to the spell.

"... You can widen them out into a wall or a bubble. Coming?"

I had expanded the ward and was now starting to push the gang back down the alley ahead of us. It was a minor variant of the trick I used to break up a fight at the Big Game a while back, so I had reason to have confidence in it. I figured we would just walk out of the alley keeping the thugs at a respectful distance, then hail a cab to get us the heck out of there.

The gang leader had turned and trotted out ahead of the others a few paces.

"Cute. Real cute," he called, turning to face me again. "Hadn't figured you for magik. Well, let's see how you handle this, wise guy!"