Grandfather recalled:

«The whole wretched steppe was covered in corpses. We rushed, although you could hardly call it that – it was more like crawling – towards the town accompanied by the howl of jackals and cries of cawing vultures. We had only one aim – to reach the town; once there, somehow things would come right in the end. Every one believed in this, as I did. Everyone believed in this but not everyone survived…»

The poisoned, terrible thirties – bitter like the smell of wormwood. Galya listened attentively. She would often flinch. She could not comprehend how, under socialism, there could be famine, humiliation, repressions, although her twenty-year-old mind understood that this terrible, deadly explosion was also a bad thing. She whispered this to grandmother and added, wide-eyed, that although she was not sure, of course, but had heard that the doctors were waiting for the arrival of nine people who had been specially left in the immediate vicinity of the area where the tests had been carried out, and who had stood throughout the whole test without protective cover. They would be put under observation for approximately ten days and then they would be sent to Semipalatinsk where they would be observed by «Moscow professors». Galya maintained that this was what they had been told by Major Zhavoronkov of the Medical Corps who headed this small group of medics. «Such observations are necessary for the future,» Zhavoronkov said. But Galya, after having listened to grandfather, no longer believed in the words pronounced by her commanding officer.

«…because even in the town, many became bloated from hunger,» continued grandfather. «My wife here,» he said pointing to grandmother, «she’s my second wife, you know; my first wife died; she could not bear the separation from her eldest son. When we arrived in the town, we left our son at the orphanage; this way we thought that at least he would not die of hunger. And the youngest, his father, and grandfather stroked my head, we kept with us. We thought we would be able to manage to feed one. Well, it’s a long story. But no matter how much you explain only someone who has himself suffered hunger can really understand. And so, my first wife pined for her first-born. She would frequently cry at night – we should bring our son home. She became thin, could not eat anything, not that there was anything to eat. She understood that if we were to bring him back, he would surely die, but her heart told her otherwise. She went to the orphanage, against my will, I won’t hide the fact. But they had all already been evacuated. They had moved them to some far-off place and no one knew exactly where. From that day on, she began to fade away before my very eyes. She died in forty-three. And she never found out where our first son was, and she didn’t see her second son return from the war – his father», grandfather clarified again and repeated, «No, she didn’t see him return. But I survived. Although I still do not know whether my eldest son is alive or whether he has laid his head to rest– somewhere. By the end of the war, I was quite alone. And then, well, I met my old lady… she’s a good woman.»

Grandmother was quiet. Grandfather fell silent. He stared somewhere into the distance, his eyes not seeing anything.

He told us this story with reservation and calm, a story which sounded even more terrible in the surrounding stillness.

«So my father had an older brother and I would have had an uncle,» I thought. A picture rose before my eyes; I saw myself crawling across the steppe followed by the howls of jackals and cries of vultures and stumbling upon corpses of the people who had died of hunger. Strange as it may seem, this vision frightened me more than either the test bomb or the ghost of the snow leopard. Perhaps only the death of Kenje seemed as frightening… I was seven years old.

It was then that for the first time I began to think about the number of deaths, pain, suffering, humiliation and insult which had befallen the people of Genghiztau.

A truck came down from the hills and the dzhigits who spilled out of it came-towards us. As it turned out these people were from our village and it was precisely they who had been caught «unawares» by the explosion. They gravely greeted the old men and when they found out about the death of Kenje, they sat by her fresh grave in silence, for a long time. The doctors wore them out with their treatment. Till late in the evening they examined them several times with special instruments, instructing them to relax, close their eyes; in short, – in the opinion on the dzhigits, they were being treated like children.

«That’s enough, how long can one wait?» protested the accountant Talgat. «We are hungry, since morning neither food nor drink has passed our lips.»

«Be patient. If necessary, we’ll take you to Moscow for observation,» Zhavoronkov, who had no sense of humour, gloomily announced.

«To Moscow then! That’s a good idea. I’ve long dreamt of staying in the capital for a while. You can send me there as soon as you like,» said Talgat, boastfully, wishing to anger the doctor.

The old men and women – spread out a large table-cloth for the funeral feast for Kenje. The Russians also joined us.

«She-was beautiful, wasn’t she, Rollan?» Galya asked me.

I nodded in reply, «Yes, she was the most beautiful of all.»

«Anti you loved her of course?» Galya said shrewdly.

For «the first time, the adults talked to-me „as an equal“ and I thought, „Perhaps, I’m already an adult too, since they treat me like one. Yes, an adult…“

„Yes, I loved her and I’ll never love anyone else…“

„All your life?“ said Galya in surprise.

„All my life!“ I said confidently.

„What, you won’t get married, then?“

„No, I won’t,“ I assured her angrily, cutting her short.

Galya was amazed and when she hugged me she whispered, „If only my young man loved me like that. I hope that all troubles will pass you by. Grow up quickly and be happy.“

The sky was full of stars, but the moon was hidden and the mountains were dark and gloomy. In the light from the camp-fires, people silently ate oatmeal porridge. Once again I remembered Kenje and again tears appeared in my eyes. It was only yesterday that we had talked and dreamed. The dreams were childish, unpretentious and fantastic. Kenje, the little Kenje, for her six years of age, expressed herself in mysterious riddles and what was amazing, her fantasies were always in bright colours. „It will be fine, the steppe will be fragrant,“ she would say. „Those crimson flowers always smell so sweet and the blue-blue sky will softly look down on us and the golden sun will shine brightly and you will be able to gaze at that golden mirror for as long as you like. My one-and-only golden, wonderful sun!“

She loved everything and everyone but I was the only one who had loved her.

„In a few days we’ll be leaving,“ I thought, „but you’ll remain here amongst the hills forever. In the winter it’s cold, windy and stormy, but the summers are cool and calm. You’ll be lonely here, Kenje, but I will be thinking of you and each year I will come here on the anniversary of your, death. Cross my heart“ – I gave my solemn oath in our childish way. „But the problem is I’m still little and my grandfather won’t bring me so far – do you know how far we are from our village?“

„No.“ As if in a day-dream I heard Kenje’s little voice.

„The solders told us it’s about a hundred kilometers.“

„That’s very far, you won’t be able to come and see me,“ said Kenje sadly.

„When I grow up I will be my own master and then I’ll come on your birthday and on the anniversary of your death.“

„Twice a year, you are so kind-hearted.“

„Don’t cry,“ I said.

„I’m not crying. I don’t cry any more…“

„The dead don’t cry.“

„They would, but their tears have already dried up.“