*~*~*

I woke with a start, wheezing for air and drowning in panic. The dream of the last time I saw my parents—the hallucinatory flashes of them burning as the flames disintegrated their car —had stopped years ago. I gasped, covering my face with my hands.

“Take a deep breath. You’re fine. I’m here for you.” Matthew’s words calmed me down. I breathed in deeply and let it out slowly. The way I remembered from when I was younger and had panic attacks. It felt like the life was being pulled out of me, and I had to force myself to relax.

After ten minutes, I was able to get my heartbeat to decelerate, and my lungs didn’t feel so constricted. Matthew gave me a glass of water, which I sipped before setting it down on the nightstand. I dropped back onto the pillow and sighed, staring up at the ceiling.

“You okay?” Matthews’s voice interrupted my daydream.

I nodded, then turned my head toward him. He smiled at me, but all I saw was the pity all over his face. I really fucking hated that look. I reached out and pushed a stray blond lock from his eye. He’d grown his hair back, and he looked exactly like he did when we were together. I folded my hands together on the pillow and rested my head on them, facing Matt.

“Is this weird?” I asked as we faced each other.

He shook his head. “Oddly familiar.”

“Yeah.” This was safe. This was the reason I’d started dating Matt. There wasn’t that all-consuming feeling that blinded me from reality. Matt wouldn’t betray me, and on the off chance he did, it wouldn’t devastate me the way Xander’s lies had.

I scooted forward. I was an emotional wreck, a bit hazy from the alcohol, and anxious from the panic attack. I was completely unhinged, and that probably explained why one minute I was feeling dejected and the next I was sticking my tongue into Matt’s mouth.

Matt’s kisses were everything I remembered. Soft, sweet, and enjoyable. He moaned, then shifted to lie on top of me, and I spread my legs to accommodate him. I caught myself several times missing the sparks and the desperate ache that came when I was with Xander, but I brushed it aside. This was safer. This was what I needed right now.

“Why are you stopping?” I demanded as Matt slowly pulled back and gave me a look of apology.

He sat back on his haunches, ran a hand over his face, and said, “We can’t do this.”

I grabbed him by the edge of his briefs and tried to pull him back down, but he didn’t budge. “Yes, we can,” I insisted. I sat up and unsnapped my bra and threw it across the room. “We used to do this all the time, and we were pretty good at it.”

I ran my fingers into his hair and kissed him. He grabbed hold of both my hands and yanked them away and broke the kiss.

“Please, Matt… You want to… I know you do.”

His hold loosened, and I freed my hands from his grasp. I took his palm and placed it on my breast, leaned in, and he allowed me to kiss him again. I cupped his erection with one hand and began to pull down his briefs with the other. Before I got them fully down, he grabbed my hands again and pushed me down on the bed, pinning me there.

He wanted me. I felt his erection pressed between my legs, and the look on his face told me he was fighting off his urge to let go and just fuck me.

“Why can’t you just make me forget?” I whined.

“Because we both know this will never make you forget.” He sighed.

“You’re the person I should be with, Matt. I trust you. I can always come to you, and you don’t manipulate every. Fucking. Thing.”

“If love were simple, we’d be married, have a couple kids, and run our office together. But, baby, we both know we’re not meant to be. We’re best friends, and we make each other comfortable.”

“Exactly.” I tried to break free, but his hold was solid.

“But it’s not that fiery, all-consuming feeling we crave. When we’re together, the world doesn’t melt away, Avery. I won’t let you use me to betray your heart, because you may never forgive yourself… or me.”

“Ugh! That’s what I get for trying to rebound with a psychiatrist. You think too much.” I pouted and he laughed at me.

“It’s what makes our friendship so great. I think for you when your brain suddenly shuts down. And you do the same for me.” He leaned over and left a soft, lingering kiss on my lips before jumping off the bed.

“Get dressed and go home,” he said as he grabbed a fresh towel and walked toward the bathroom. “I’ll be torturing myself with a frigid shower.”

“Sorry, Matty,” I yelled after him.

“If I didn’t love you so much, I’d be fucking the shit out of you right now,” he said before shutting the door.

“So you only fuck women you don’t love? Twisted fuck,” I mumbled under my breath.

“I heard that!” Matt yelled from the bathroom.

“You were meant to.” I went in search of my clothes and slowly got dressed. It was early morning, and I hoped I’d find my house empty by the time I got there.

Matt was still in the shower when I was ready to leave, so I poked my head into the bathroom. “See you later, Matt.”

“Uh-huh,” he half growled, half groaned.

“Wait… are you… are you beating one out?” I stifled a giggle with the back of my hand.

“Shut the fuck up! I’m almost there.”

I laughed at his gritty tone.

He pulled the corner of the curtain and poked his head out. “Does our friendship have no boundaries?”

“Not when you’re best friends with your ex.” I chuckled as I walked down the hallway, grabbed my keys, and left his apartment.

We’re Done

Avery

As soon as I stepped out of Matt’s building, my good mood evaporated. Along with the gray skies awaiting me came Xander. He leaned against his car, staring at me like a man who’d spent the night out here on the street. We stared at each other for a couple muted seconds. It was as if everything around us stood still, and that stupid fucking energy between us was all that existed. I snapped out of the daze first. I tried to cut right, but he cut me off, blocking me with his body.

“What the fuck did you do?” he whispered, his tone heavily laced with accusation. I ignored his question and avoided looking into his crazed eyes by moving to his left. Again, he blocked my path. I crossed my arms and stared off into the morning traffic and pretended to not see him.

“I swear if he touched you…” He grabbed my face between his palms, forcing me to look at him as he studied me. I pictured the image he beheld—hair bedraggled, eyes puffy—I looked like hell. His frown deepened. “If you let him touch you, I’m going to hurt him.”

I shoved him off me, and he stumbled back from the unexpected push. “You don’t get to tell me who I can sleep with. You slept with my Ellie… my Ellie. She’s my only family in this world, and you fucked her.”

He released me, throwing up his hands. “It was before you. Shit… if I hadn’t, I probably would’ve never met you.”

“Oh… so it’s fine, then. When we have kids and they ask how we met, we’ll tell them it was fate.” I stretched out my arms and looked up into the sky. “It was divine intervention. Your daddy fucked Auntie Ellie, and she slid him my card so he could screw me over too.”

He pressed his palms against his eyes and rubbed them. “What do you want me to do? I can’t undo it,” he said when he looked back at me.

“But you could’ve been honest! Both of you could’ve copped to what happened the night she walked in on us. But no… you two conspired to lie to me. You lied about everything.”

He pushed both hands through his hair, yanking the strands in frustration. “If we’d been honest, you would have left me.”

“At least at that point it wouldn’t have hurt so much.”

“But at that point nothing would’ve made you give me another chance.”