“How am I goin’ to do this?” I whispered to the empty room.

I closed my eyes and wished for the billionth time that I had my mother to talk to. I desperately needed someone to guide me, and I couldn’t ask Bronagh or my friends, because it was me they came to when things went wrong, not the other way around. I was the eldest. I was never meant to lose my way; I was supposed to help others find theirs.

I was on my own.

I opened my eyes after a few moments and took a deep calming breath.

Work, I reminded myself. You have to go to work.

I would figure out how to end things with Ryder later, but right now I needed to get showered, dressed and go to work. I loved my job, which wasn’t something a lot of people could say. It wasn’t easy, and there were times I shed a lot of tears when a delivery went wrong, but nine times out of ten, I got to aid a woman bringing life into this world, and that soothed my soul.

It was the only thing in my life that kept me sane.

When I exited Dominic’s old room, I listened for any sign of movement downstairs, but I heard nothing, which told me that Ryder wasn’t home yet, or that he was still in bed. I didn’t dare venture towards our shared bedroom to check because I would be hurt either way. If he were there, I’d be reminded that I had to break up with him, and if he wasn’t, it was another reminder of why I had to break up with him.

I didn’t win either way.

I turned and went back into the room I slept in and headed for the attached en-suite. I had showered in it multiple times over the last few months, so I kept some of my products in there for times when I couldn’t sleep with Ryder, or in our bed. It was so messed up, but lately I couldn’t sleep in our bed without him because I felt lonely, and I couldn’t sleep in it with him either because his refusal to tell me what he was up to hurt too much.

It was a royally fucked up situation that I found myself in, and unfortunately the only solution I could find would kill me as much as it would Ryder.

Don’t think about it, I willed myself.

After I showered, I dressed and plated my hair back into a French braid. I flattened my palms over the front of my uniform and made sure I attached my pocket watch and nametag to my shirt. In the bathroom, I filled in my brows to darken them and applied my favourite strawberry scented moisturiser.

I never put anything else on my face when I went to work. I did back when I first started, but I quickly found that I rubbed my face and eyes a lot during my shifts and thus ruined my carefully applied makeup. Not to mention it got it all over my hands, too. It wasn’t worth the hassle so moisturising my face and filling in my brows were all I ever focused on.

I grabbed hold of my bag and put my phone and purse into it then headed downstairs, and made sure to keep all noise to a minimum. Whilst in the kitchen, I passed on breakfast and made a cup of tea instead. When I finished drinking my tea, I checked the time and cursed under my breath when I saw I was going to have to hustle to make it in time to catch the bus.

I scurried out of the kitchen, grabbed my coat from the rack in the hall, put it on then high tailed it out of the house. I shivered as the crisp October morning air surrounded me, nipping at my exposed skin. I made a mental note to buy a scarf and a pair of gloves as I walked out of the garden and closed the gate behind me. I turned and briskly walked in the direction of the bus stop.

I didn’t know why, but I felt as if someone’s eyes were on me so I glanced over my shoulder and when I saw no one was behind me, I looked at my house and swallowed. I locked my eyes on the window to my bedroom and saw Ryder was standing at it, shirtless, with his arms above his head. I knew he was gripping onto the curtain pole above him, but I wished he hadn’t been because it showcased his rippling torso perfectly. I could see each sculpted muscle even at a distance.

He was looking at me, I felt his gaze trained on me, but I forced myself to shrug it off. I couldn’t allow myself to become putty in his hands simply by him looking at me. I had to be strong. I had to focus on me. I turned away from my house, and Ryder, and broke out into a jog. I didn’t stop moving until I reached the bus stop down the end of the street. I got there just as the bus pulled up.

Thirty minutes later I was off the bus and walked into the Coombe Maternity Hospital. I shook off the cramp in my behind from the hard bus seats and counted myself lucky that I managed to get a seat in the morning rush. I disliked public transport, and I missed car-pooling dearly. There was a time when Ryder drove me to work before he went off for the day, but that abruptly ended when things started going south between us. Most days Ash would collect me for work and Bronagh would pick me up when my shift ended. I had recently thought about getting myself a cheap car because I hated having to depend on others or have them go out of their way for me, but money was an issue.

Ryder, and his brothers, made a considerable amount of—blood—money from their past work, but I recently learned that a bad investment with Brandon Daley left Dominic, Alec and Ryder broke. I overheard something from the brothers months ago that I shouldn’t have and brought it up to Ryder a few weeks after Aideen was hospitalised.

I found our joint account was dangerously low on funds but was quickly shut down when I asked Ryder about it. I asked where the money had gone, but he never gave me a direct answer, he just told me ‘not to worry about it, and not to talk about it’. I asked if it was something to do with Brandon or his old life, but he ended each conversation with arguing. He never allowed any talk of Brandon or his old life in our house, and enforced it with foul words.

I never countered him because I never wanted to talk about it either; it brought back too many horrifying memories, but something was going on with Ryder, and I knew it had something to do with where he went every night. It was too much of a coincidence that the brothers lost a lot of money over the last few months then for Dominic to start working for Brandon to earn an income. I didn’t know what Alec had his hand in, but I knew it wasn’t legit.

Kane made his money legitimately. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but I overheard him and Aideen discussing expansions for his apartment complexes. I asked Ryder about it and he reluctantly filled me in on what Kane wanted to be kept private. I kept my mouth shut and pretended to be in the dark on his business ventures, but what I really wanted to do was congratulate and hug the hell out of him. He had managed to stay off the trail that Dominic, and possibly Ryder and Alec, had fallen back onto.

“Branna,” Taylor Carey beamed when I walked onto the delivery ward.

Taylor was cool. She wasn’t the type of friend I would confide in or tell my secrets to, because I didn’t know her that well, but she made the job interesting when we were on shift together. I liked her.

I lifted my head and wiggled my fingers. “Hey, Tay.”

Taylor lifted her arms over her head as she stretched and yawned.

My lip twitched. “Long shift?”

She nodded. “Busy night. There have been eight births in the last twelve hours since I came on shift at eight last night.”

I whistled. “Good for the mammies, babies and the staff. Quick labours benefit everyone.”

Taylor yawned, again. “They benefit the time passin’ for me. I can’t believe me shift is over already. I love when that happens.”

I grunted. “I can’t believe me shift is just startin’, I feel like I’ve gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.”

Taylor winced. “I noticed your eyes were a little puffy but I didn’t want to say anythin’. Are you okay?”