‘Thank you.’ Erica followed Vivianne. Coffee was what kept her going. She drank so much of it that she probably had coffee rather than blood flowing through her veins. ‘Everybody has their vices, and I can think of worse things than caffeine.’
‘I’m not so sure about that,’ said Vivianne, but she chose to say no more on the subject. She probably sensed that her words would fall on deaf ears.
‘I’ll be right back. Why don’t you sit down here. We’ll take a tour afterwards.’ Vivianne disappeared through a swinging door which Erica assumed led to the kitchen.
For a moment she wondered how Vivianne was going to manage to make coffee while holding the baby. By now Erica had learned to do nearly everything using only one hand, but it definitely took practice. She pushed away the thought. Vivianne would probably let her know if she needed help.
After serving the coffee, Vivianne sat down across from her. Erica noticed that the tables and chairs were also new. Although they were stylish and modern, they fit in perfectly with the traditional setting. Someone with good taste had chosen all the furnishings. The view from the windows that lined the outer wall was spectacular. The entire Fjällbacka archipelago was spread out before them.
‘When does it open?’ Erica picked up a rather strange-looking biscuit, and instantly regretted her choice. Whatever it was made of, there wasn’t enough sugar; it was much too wholesome to qualify as a biscuit.
‘In about a week. Provided we get everything done on time,’ said Vivianne with a sigh as she dunked her biscuit in a mug of tea. Probably green tea, thought Erica, looking with pleasure at her own pitch-black beverage.
‘You’re coming to the party, aren’t you?’ said Vivianne.
‘I’d really love to. I got the invitation, but we haven’t actually decided yet. It’s not easy to find a babysitter for three kids.’
‘Try to come. That would be so nice. By the way, on Saturday your husband and his colleagues are coming here for a first-hand look at the place. We’re going to let them try out all the services we offer.’
‘Really?’ said Erica with a laugh. ‘Patrik didn’t tell me that. I don’t think he’s ever set foot in a spa before, so it should be an interesting experience for him.’
‘Let’s hope so.’ Vivianne stroked Anton’s head. ‘How’s your sister doing? I hope you don’t mind my asking, but I heard about the accident.’
‘That’s okay.’ To her annoyance, Erica felt tears well up in her eyes. She swallowed hard and managed to get her voice under control. ‘To be honest, she’s not doing very well. She’s been through so much in her life.’
The image of Anna’s first husband flashed through Erica’s mind. There were so many things she couldn’t explain, even though there was something about this woman that made her want to do so. And she suddenly found herself telling Vivianne the whole story. She usually never discussed Anna’s life, but she instinctively felt that Vivianne would understand. When she was done, tears were spilling down her cheeks.
‘She certainly hasn’t had an easy time of it. She needed that child,’ said Vivianne quietly, putting into words exactly what Erica had thought so many times. Anna deserved that baby. She deserved to be happy.
‘I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t seem to notice when I’m with her. It’s as if she has gone away somewhere. And I’m afraid that she might not come back.’
‘She hasn’t gone away.’ Vivianne bounced Anton on her knee. ‘She has sought shelter in a place where it doesn’t hurt. She knows that you’re there. The best thing you can do is to visit her and touch her. We’ve forgotten how important it is to be touched, yet we all need it in order to survive. So touch her, and tell her husband to do that too. We often make the mistake of not wanting to bother someone who is grieving. We think they need peace and quiet and to be left alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. Human beings are herd animals, and we need to feel the herd around us, we need the closeness, warmth, and touch of other people. So make sure that Anna is surrounded by her herd. Don’t let her stay in her room all alone. Don’t allow her to slip away to that place where there may not be any grief but there aren’t any other emotions either. Force her to come out of there.’
Erica sat in silence for a moment. She was thinking about what Vivianne had said and realized that she was right. They shouldn’t have let Anna withdraw from them. They should have made a greater effort.
‘And don’t feel guilty,’ said Vivianne. ‘Her grief has nothing to do with your joy.’
‘But she must feel that …’ said Erica, and now the tears were flowing harder than ever. ‘She must feel that I got everything while she got nothing.’
‘She knows that what happened to the two of you isn’t connected. If anything is going to stand between you, it’s your feeling of guilt rather than any envy or anger that Anna might feel because your babies survived. That’s all in your own mind.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ Erica wanted to believe Vivianne, but she didn’t dare. This woman had never met her sister, so how could she tell what Anna was thinking or feeling? All the same, there was a ring of truth to what she’d said.
‘I can’t explain how I know. I just do. I understand people. You’ll simply have to trust me,’ said Vivianne firmly. And to her surprise, Erica realized that she did. She trusted her.
A short time later, as she was headed towards the day-care centre, she felt more at ease than she had in a long time. She had let go of what had been stopping her from drawing close to Anna again. She had rid herself of that feeling of helplessness.
FJÄLLBACKA 1871
Finally the ice had set in. It had arrived late that winter, not appearing until February. In a sense it made Emelie feel freer. After a week the ice was thick enough to walk on, and for the first time since she’d come to the island, it would be possible for her to leave on her own, if she wished to do so. It would involve a long walk as well as a certain amount of risk, because it was said that no matter how thick the ice, treacherous cracks existed where the current flowed most swiftly. Yet it was possible.
In another sense it made her feel more confined, because Karl and Julian couldn’t make their regular trips to Fjällbacka. She had come to dread their return, when they’d arrive drunk and spiteful, but at least their absence gave her some breathing space. Now they spent more time in her presence, and the atmosphere was oppressive. She tried to be pleasant and quietly went about her chores. Karl still hadn’t touched her, and she hadn’t tried to make any more advances. In utter silence she lay in bed, pressing her body against the cold wall of the room. But the damage was done. His loathing for her had not diminished, and she felt more and more lonely.
The voices were louder now, and she had begun to see more of what her common sense told her was impossible; yet she knew it wasn’t just her imagination. The dead gave her a feeling of solace. They were her only company on this desolate island, and their sorrow resonated with her own. Their lives hadn’t turned out as they’d planned. They understood each other, even though their fates were separated by the thickest of walls. Death.
Karl and Julian didn’t notice them in the same way that she did. But once in a while the two men seemed filled with an uneasiness that they couldn’t explain. On those occasions, she could see their fear, and it made her secretly happy. She no longer lived for the love she had felt for Karl; he wasn’t the man she’d thought he was. However this was her life now, and there was nothing she could do about it. She could merely rejoice at his fear, and take comfort from the dead. They gave her a feeling of being specially chosen. She was the only one who knew that they existed. They were hers.