Chapter 42

It was unbelievable. The war that had felt like it would never end was over. She was sitting on Hans’s bed, clutching the newspaper and trying to make her brain understand the meaning of the headline screaming ‘PEACE!’

Tears filling her eyes, Elsy she blew her nose on the apron she was still wearing after helping her mother wash the dishes.

‘I can’t believe it, Hans,’ she said. He had his arm around her shoulders, and he replied by squeezing her tighter. He too was staring at the newspaper, and like her he seemed incapable of comprehending what they were reading. For a moment Elsy glanced towards the door, nervous that someone might catch them, now that they had thrown caution to the wind and were sitting here together in the daytime. But Hilma had run over to see their neighbours, and Elsy didn’t think anyone would come here to disturb them just now. Besides, it would soon be time to tell everyone about their relationship. Her dresses were getting tighter around the waist, and this morning it was only with great effort that she had managed to fasten all the buttons. But everything was going to be fine. Hans had reacted exactly as she had anticipated when she told him a few weeks ago that she was pregnant. His eyes had sparkled and he had kissed her as he tenderly placed his hand on her stomach. Since then, he had assured her that they would manage. He had a job, after all, and was able to support her. And her mother was fond of him. Of course Elsy was young, but they could apply to the authorities for permission to marry. They would find a way to work things out.

His words had eased some of the worry she still carried in her heart, even though she thought she knew him so well, and trusted him. And he had been so calm. Assuring her that their child would be the most loved on earth, and that they would find a way to handle all the practical details. There might be a few bumps in the road for a while, but if they stuck by each other, any problems would be solved and both her family and God would offer their blessings.

Elsy leaned her head against his shoulder. Right now life was good. The news of peace spread over her like a warmth that thawed much of what had turned to ice after her father died. She just wished that he were here to experience this moment. If only he could have held on a few more months. She pushed the thought away. God was in charge, not people, and somewhere there had to be a plan to everything. That’s just how things were, no matter how terrible it seemed. She trusted in God, and she trusted in Hans, and that was a gift that made her able to look to the future with confidence.

But it was different for her mother. Elsy had grown increasingly worried about Hilma over the past few months. With Elof gone, she had seemed to shrink, to withdraw into herself, and there was no longer any joy in her eyes. When they heard the news of peace today, it was the first time since her father died that Elsy had seen the trace of a smile on her mother’s face. Perhaps the child she was expecting would make her mother happy – once she got over the initial shock, that is. Of course Elsy was afraid that her mother would be ashamed of her, but she and Hans had agreed to tell her as soon as possible, so that they could make all the proper arrangements before the baby arrived.

Elsy closed her eyes and smiled as she sat there, leaning against Hans’s shoulder, breathing in his familiar smell.

‘I’d like to go home and see my family, now that the war is over,’ said Hans, stroking her hair. ‘But I’ll only be gone a few days, so you don’t need to worry. I’m not about to run away from you.’ He kissed the top of her head.

‘That’s good,’ said Elsy, with a big smile. ‘Because, if you were to do that, I’d chase you to the ends of the earth.’

‘I’m sure you would,’ he said and laughed. Then he turned serious. ‘There are just a few things that I need to take care of, now that I can go back to Norway.’

‘That sounds serious,’ she said, lifting her head from his shoulder and looking at him nervously. ‘Are you afraid that something has happened to your family?’

‘I don’t know,’ he said hesitantly. ‘It’s been so long since I last talked to them. But I won’t leave right away. Maybe in a week or so, and then I’ll be back before you can even blink an eye.’

‘That sounds good,’ said Elsy, leaning against him again. ‘Because I never want us to be apart.’

‘And we won’t be, either,’ he said, kissing her hair again. ‘We won’t.’ Hans closed his eyes as he drew her closer. Between them lay the open newspaper, with the word ‘PEACE’ covering the front page.

Chapter 43

It was strange. It was only last week that it had first occurred to Kjell that his father was not immortal. And then on Thursday the police had rung the doorbell to give him the news of his death. He was surprised how strong his emotions were. How for a moment his heart had skipped a beat, and how, when he held out his hand in front of him, he could feel himself holding his father’s hand, a small hand enclosed in a big one, and how their hands had then slowly slipped apart. At that moment he realized that something stronger than hatred had existed the whole time: Hope. That was the only thing that had been able to survive, the only thing that could coexist without being suffocated by the all-consuming hatred that he had felt towards his father. Any love between them had died long ago. But hope had hidden away in a corner of his heart, concealed even from himself.

As he’d stood there in the hall after closing the door behind the police officers, Kjell felt that last vestige of hope disappear, and in that moment a terrible pain made everything go black before his eyes. Because somewhere inside of him that little boy had been longing for his father. Hoping that there might be a way around the walls they had built up.

Now that way was closed. The walls would remain, eventually crumbling but with no possibility of reconciliation.

All weekend his brain had been trying to grasp the fact that his father was gone. Dead by his own hand. And even though it had always been in the back of his mind that this might be the way Frans would die, given how destructive his life had been, it was still difficult to comprehend.

On Sunday Kjell had called in on Carina and Per. He had phoned them on Thursday to tell them what had happened, but he hadn’t had the strength to see them until his own thoughts and memories had settled a bit. He had sensed immediately that there was something different about the atmosphere in their home, but at first he couldn’t put his finger on it. Then he had exclaimed in surprise: ‘You’re sober!’ And he didn’t mean just for the moment, or for a short period – because that had happened before, although not very often in the past few years. Instinctively he understood that this was something more; there was a sense of calm, a determination in Carina’s eyes that had replaced the wounded look she’d had ever since he left her. It had always filled him with such guilt. Per was different too. They talked about what would happen after his trial for beating up his classmate, and Per had surprised Kjell with his composure and thoughts on how he was going to deal with the situation. After Per went up to his room, Kjell had mustered his courage and asked Carina what had changed. It was with growing amazement that he heard about his father’s intervention. Somehow Frans had succeeded where Kjell had failed despite ten years of trying.

That had made everything worse. It confirmed the realization that any remaining hope would now chafe futilely inside his heart. After all, Frans was gone: what use was there in hoping now?