“Oh god,” I gripe. “It’s a boy?”

“Can you believe it?” she asks. “Even when I was growing up, Percival was one of those names that always seemed to carry a thick layer of dust on it.”

I crack a smile.

“You don’t always know when it’s right. That’s the big myth that sells tickets to all those Sex with Everyone in the City movies,” she says. “All you can do is realize when you’ve reached the point where you’re not willing to fight for it anymore, and maybe you’re already there. This relationship is still so young for both of you and maybe this all came too soon, but if there’s a chance, I think you should track him down and scream at him until you decide one way or the other.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I tell her. “This has actually helped quite a bit.”

“You’re welcome dear,” my mom says. “Just one more thing and then I’m going to see if I can sneak another pain pill.”

“Go easy on those, will you?” I ask. “They’re worse than most of the crap you can buy on the streets.”

“Oh, I just take halves,” my mom says. “I just like playing Secret Impossible Mission with your father. He thinks I’m just trying to get stoned and it’s about the best entertainment I’ve had in years.”

I roll my eyes.

This is my mother.

“You said there was one more thing?” I ask.

“Yes,” she says. “When the two of you fornicated, did you use a condom?”

“Oh, for god’s sake…”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Information Overload

Eric

“I think what you’ve got to do is to give her a little bit of time, but make sure she knows that you’re thinking about her, only don’t be pushy, but don’t just lie down and let things break apart, you know, unless you have to,” Irene says.

We’ve been at this for hours and, surprisingly, the more sober she’s gotten, the less sense her advice has made.

“I’m pretty sure you just gave me a list of contradictions,” I tell her. “Is there anything I’m supposed to do with that, or are you just running through possibilities out loud?”

“Well, it’s not so easy to know what it is until you know what it is,” she says. “Do you know what it is?”

The doorbell rings.

“I should probably get that,” I tell her.

“All right,” she says, “I should probably catch a cab anyway. Alec’s going to be back soon, and I’ve got a couple of surprises for him.”

“I will pay for your cab fare if you don’t tell me what those surprises are,” I smile.

I appreciate the effort Irene’s put into trying to help me today, but I don’t think I’ve gleaned a single clear, useful idea out of the whole discussion.

She makes the motion of zipping her lips shut and I pull forty bucks out of my wallet and hand it to her.

We get to the door, and I open it.

“Listen!” Jessica starts, but immediately stops when she sees Irene.

“Jessica!” Irene exclaims. “It is so great to see you again. Did you have fun at the party? Oh, well, I should get going anyway. You two have a good night, goodbye!”

Jessica and I watch Irene as she leaves, waiting for all of her words to process. It takes a minute.

“Can I come in?” Jessica asks me finally.

“Of course,” I tell her, shutting the door behind her. “I just wanted to say—”

“No,” she interrupts. “I have a few things I want to say first.”

“Okay,” I respond and, before I can ask her if I can get her anything to drink, she just lets loose and starts screaming at me.

“Listen, you stupid son of a bitch…”

That’s how it starts and it doesn’t get any nicer.

At first, I’m waiting for her to stop so I can respond, then I’m waiting for her to take a breath so I can jump in without technically interrupting her. Finally, I’ve given up completely and we’re having a shouting match.

The few words I can get in, though, are quickly and easily overpowered by the sheer force and volume of her anger.

She’s screaming at me for a very long time.

Epilogue

The Big Goodbye

Jessica

There are a lot of emotions as I stand outside the store I spent so much time building, the idea I’d spent so much time nurturing, growing. Now, I’m locking the doors for the very last time.

The moment isn’t without its ceremony, as my family and everyone who’s worked for me over these last few years is waiting for me on the sidewalk.

My mom’s standing with my dad, both of whom are trying to keep their distance from Jed while simultaneously keeping as close as they can to Kristin and—I still have a hard time saying it—Percival.

He’s almost two now and Kristin’s already starting to bend with the weight of holding him.

I kind of want to give a speech to commemorate the closing of Lady Bits’ doors, but there are too many people and I’m simply not that good on my feet, so I just turn back toward the store and take one final look back at the place where I’ve spent so much of my adult life, trying to do something I believed in, making plenty of friends and, yes, even some enemies along the way.

A hand falls on my shoulder and I straighten my posture.

The key slides easily into the door and too quickly, the moment is over. The doors are locked.

The store is closed.

I turn around and start making my rounds, thanking everyone on my way for their part in helping my dream to come true.

When I get to Linda, I stop and raise an eyebrow to her.

“We’ve had some ups and downs, haven’t we?” I ask.

She snickers and adjusts her baby girl in her arms.

The girl’s name is Jessica. As weird as it sounds—okay, as weird as it absolutely is—she actually named her child after me.

“It hasn’t been all bad,” she says. “You remember Paolo, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I say, extending my hand and shaking his. “It’s good to see you again, Paolo.”

After Eric and Linda hooked up that day years ago, Paolo came back into her life and Linda, now Mrs. Navas, never looked back.

“I’m surprised Eric didn’t show up,” Linda says. “He had a pretty big part in turning things around here, too.”

“That’s just the way it goes,” I tell her and I give her a hug.

“Do you know if he’s still planning on picking up Jessica tonight? Paolo’s going to have the car, so I wouldn’t be able to drop her off until later,” she says.

“I don’t know,” I answer. “Have you tried calling him?”

I’m running late, but there’s someone else with whom I really want to have a quick word before I have to go and leave this store behind me.

“Alec,” I say, giving quite possibly the laziest man I’ve ever met a big hug. “Thank you for everything,” I tell him. “I never thought you’d get Burbank to agree to sit down, much less actually talk him into renegotiating such a good deal for us. Thank you for that.”

“What can I say?” he asks. “I could charm a nun out of her habit.”

“Yeah, you still kind of creep me out,” I tell him.

I go to hug Irene, but by the way she’s putting her hand over her mouth, I reconsider applying any pressure to her upper body. I really like these shoes.

My mom and dad are already walking back to their car and, as everyone disperses, I can’t help but feel gratitude for the fact that my crotchety mother is still around to irritate the shit out of me.

I say my goodbyes to everyone that’s still around and, inside of ten minutes, I’m in my car, driving.

This isn’t how I expected my life to turn out, but all things considered, I think I’ve been pretty fortunate.

When I get to the new location—or as I like to call it, Lady Bits 2.0—I’m filled with a sense of pride.

Things really turned around after I promoted Cheryl and once the word spread, things just kept getting bigger and bigger until that little store wasn’t big enough to hold it all.

The new store opens in a few days, but before that happens, there are a few things that I need to take care of.