But I’m not sorry. I totally get what Jamie’s been yammering about for like forever. Orgasms rock. I want another one. Soon. Maybe now. I shift, hoping to wake him up. He pulls me snugger against him and sighs. I slide my hand down his body. His penis feels weird. It’s all soft and deflated.

He grabs my wrist, stopping my exploration. “Go back to sleep.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“It’s late.”

“You don’t want to?”

“Want to what?”

“We didn’t…you know.”

“We didn’t what?” He moves fast. Suddenly he’s on top of me. “Tell me what you want, Bluebird, and I’ll give it to you.”

“I want you to do that thing you did before.”

“Which thing? I did a lot of things.”

“Where you put your mouth down there.” I point between our bodies.

I can feel him grinning in the dark. “Down where? Down here?” He touches my knee.

“Higher.”

“Say it. Say the word.”

I shake my head.

“Here?” His hand slides up the inside of my thigh.

“Higher.”

“I’ve heard you say a lot of naughty words. You can’t say this one?”

“No.”

His hand finally finds the right spot. “Here?”

“Yes. There.” My voice is all breathy.

He whispers next to my ear: “You want my mouth on your pussy?”

I shiver. “Yes.”

“You want me to lick and suck on your pussy?”

That word does strange things to me. Every time he says it I get a jolt. “Yes. Please.”

“You want me to make you come again?”

I nod.

“Cora,” he growls. “Say the words and I’ll make you come so hard you’ll think you’ve died.”

“I…” I can’t say it.

He places kisses along my jaw and then captures my mouth for a long, winding kiss that leaves me breathless. Sliding his fingers through my slickness, he toys with me. He’s not really serious. I catch glimpses of the sensation I had earlier, but his fingers skate away before it can really take hold. It’s driving me crazy. Reaching between us, I find his half-hard penis and stroke it. He makes a guttural sound that lets me know he likes it. It gets harder and harder. He clamps a hand on my wrist to still my movements.

Heh. Two can play the teasing game.

And then his mouth is on my breast and I can’t think.

“What do you want?” The low, sexy rumble of his voice vibrates straight to where his hand is doing wicked things to me.

“I want you to fuck me!”

He stops. Everything. It’s the exact opposite of what I want. I slap a hand over my stupid mouth.

He pulls my hand away. His fingers stroke into me exactly where I need it. “Say it again.”

I’m fighting against the sensation. He counters by biting my nipple. His strokes are long and deep. I’m close, so close.

“Oh, my God. Fuck me already!”

He throws back the covers, pushes my legs apart, and sucks. My orgasm rips through me. Pushing down on his head, I practically come off the bed, screaming his name. He doesn’t let up. His mouth is relentless. Another wave hits, rolling through me like a freight train. I can’t breathe. Spots dance in front of my eyes.

And then he’s on top of me, grinding against me. Hot liquid splashes onto my stomach. His head drops next to mine and he’s having as much trouble catching his breath as I am.

What just happened?

I’m trying to process it all. He’s between my legs, on top of me. His weight is comfortable and warm. He kisses my shoulder, the side of my neck, my cheek, and then my mouth, gentle kisses. He drops his head again and sighs, his breath hot against my neck.

“Don’t move,” he says, disengaging himself from me. “I’ll be right back.”

A slant of light from the bathroom slashes across the bed and me. I can hear water running. It’s cold without him. I want to pull the covers up, but my stomach is covered with his semen.

He returns with a warm washcloth and wipes away the mess. “Sorry.”

I lift up on my elbows to watch. “Why did you do that?”

He doesn’t look up at me. “It’s not…Sorry.”

“No, I’m okay with it. It’s just that why didn’t you, you know, go for it?”

“No condom.”

“Oh.” I get the feeling he’s not being totally honest with me. “Is that the only reason?”

“There.” He gets up and disposes of the washcloth. Cutting the light, he climbs back into bed, drawing the covers over us. He reaches for me, pulling me up against his side.

We lay quiet in the dark. Something’s wrong. I can feel it. Was there something I did or didn’t do?

“Leo?”

“Hmm?”

“What did I do wrong?”

His laugh is harsh. “Everything you did was exactly right.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Go to sleep.”

I don’t believe him, but it’s clear he’s not going to talk about it, at least not tonight. I lay awake for I don’t know how long, listening to his breathing, then light snoring. Cycling everything that happened over and over in my brain, I can’t come up with a solution. Maybe he’ll talk about it tomorrow. I don’t know. I don’t have any frame of reference here and no one to talk it over with except Jamie. It’s too late to call her, and even if I did I’m not sure I could adequately explain what I don’t have words for.

All day at the office goes by and it’s more of the same. I’m starting to feel like I imagined all of the really good parts of last night. They fade away into insignificance under the overwhelming evidence that something is wrong. I can’t even bring myself to ask him anymore because after the two times I did he completely shut down on me. He hasn’t even tried to hold my hand or steal a kiss like he normally would. We dance around each other in our small office. We’re supposed to have a date tonight after he talks to Zelda. I wonder if that’s even going to happen. Past that I wonder where I’m going to sleep tonight because it’s very clear that it won’t be anywhere near Leo.

Chapter 20 Leo

I can’t stop thinking about last night and what a monumental mistake it was. Total and complete epic failure. I want to pound my fists against my head and chant stupid, stupid, stupid over and over. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. My dick was. Why did I listen to it?

Because Cora was naked and willing and I’m weak. So very, very weak.

I did not think this through at all. I’ve never taken anyone’s virginity. I didn’t think about that until last night. I had a box of condoms in my bag next to the gun Dad gave me, but when it came down to it—when Cora shouted that she wanted me to fuck her—I couldn’t do it. I came at this all wrong, thinking this would be some summer fun, but this is her life. And the truth is I probably won’t be in it in a few months. I’ll go back to school and Cora will go back to…I don’t know what she’ll go back to or what will happen between then and now. Hopefully she’ll be helping her brother assimilate back into society.

I’m not going to be her first time. That privilege will go to some other guy who had better treat her well and stick around for the long haul, maybe even marry her. Most guys would’ve jumped at what she offered. I, apparently, am not most guys. I finally get what my dad was trying to tell me, what he’s always told me about girls. It’s about respect. And I respect Cora too much to add her to my long list of conquests and then leave her. I’m simply not good enough for her. How do I explain this to her when I can hardly wrap my head around it myself? Where do we go from here? Because I have a feeling there’s no going back and yet there’s no moving forward either.

All day Cora’s been casting confused looks my direction. She hasn’t asked me what’s wrong since we left the house, but she knows something’s up. I’m hoping to get out of here in the next five minutes for my meeting with Zelda without Cora bringing it up again. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had too much hurt in her life already. I’m not sure I have all the words to explain what happened for me last night when I held her after her first ever orgasm. As she drifted off to sleep I lay awake with the realization that I’m not good enough for her. The weight of that was a physical ache that started in the center of my chest and radiated out until I was a man made of pain.